Hello Friends, Sorry I've Been Away

Right from the get-go I want to thank folks for the sweet and supportive comments on my last post many weeks ago.  I'm sorry to have disappeared off the face of the earth, and I know, as a blog reader, how I can be left wondering when bloggers just stop.  But it is not my intention to stop writing.  I am still very much a work in progress, and not afraid to talk about it.

This Spring just became very busy for me.  Much of it very good and productive, as I mentioned in previous posts.  I made some very positive strides in household organization and we also demolished a deck, got the house painted, got a kid through AP tests and planted a very small Spring garden (due to California drought).  I got to travel to wonderful Portland, OR for a family event, and was able to hike some beautiful forest trails.  

But I also needed some space to process this "maintenance" experience.  It has left me confused and often at war within myself.  That old fight between what I want to eat and what is best for me has challenged me. Old habits and mindsets die hard.  I didn't quite know what to say, so I waited until I could hopefully coherently share my experience.

On The Diet Front

I have made some valuable discoveries for myself and my body.  I experimented with many levels of calorie restriction and eating "good carbs" but quickly saw my weight jump up and my frustrations continue to rise.  Well, I haven't come this far to fail, and I won't.  

But it will be a challenge until I can reign in my weight and get it moving back to a normal level.  Yesterday I read, cover to cover, a book that I had heard about, and finally downloaded onto my kindle.  Gary Taubes' "Why We Get Fat:  And What To Do About It".  I owe a debt of gratitude to this writer for doing the legwork to examine the nutritional research and make a strong case that sugar, carbs and insulin are the culprits in weight gain and a multitude of related diseases. (I am hearing some of you say "duh!")  Some people are more sensitive, especially those of us who have been obese.  He addresses many of my weight-related struggles.

One of the most interesting concepts that he shares involves clinical studies on animals and humans to explore if "a calorie is a calorie."   One group was put on a very calorie restricted diet that included carbs.  The other group had no calorie restriction and was placed on the same diet.  Despite the calorie differences, BOTH groups gained weight/fat.  Taubes noted that physiologically, people who have some degree of insulin resistance (most overweight people) will gain weight and fat while eating carbs, even if they are on a low calorie diet.   Some may even gain their weight back on a carb restricted diet (depressing thought) regardless of their best interventions.  This is because there are receptors on the fat cells that are primed to get first dibs on the glucose/insulin in the bloodstream after a meal that includes carbs.  This comes at the expense of "feeding"  other cells in muscles and organs, etc.  The studies showed that in the presence of low calories, all the nutrients go into the fat cells first, leaving the other cells starving for food, and thus making the person hungry and tired.  

I know that my explanation is not doing this justice, so I highly recommend that you read the book for this and much more interesting information on the history of nutritional research and how policy makers have turned their backs on it without conclusive evidence to the contrary.

As I read the book, I nearly cried.  I do believe that THIS is what has happened to me post weight loss.  This is why after logging my food, keeping my calories at about 1400 (most days), hiking, running, walking miles per week I am still gaining weight.  I swear that it's not like I'm diving head-first into sweets every night, or even every week, but for the past several months I have let more carbs/fruit come into my diet.   I eat lots of veggies and drink plenty of water, but I also have been eating berries, some bread, more wine than is necessary. I've been discouraged by this steady weight gain despite living an overall very healthy lifestyle (at least according to some). Now I finally might have an answer and a possible solution to my individual problem.

Is my metabolism still stunted from my weight loss fast?  Maybe.  Will I need to make peace with eating under 1200 calories per day in order to lose weight?  Maybe, until my metabolism heals.  But probably I'm one of those people who are lipophilic (my metabolism wants to retain fat), and I'm going to have to keep my insulin response very, very low in order to reduce the storage of fat in my cells.  I'm willing to go there and see what happens.  I ate like this earlier in my maintenance, but got sidetracked.

I'm starting to eat very, very low carb, without fruit (for now). Moderate protein, high fat whole foods, healthy greens and healthy oils will be the bulk of my diet.  I just want to see if I can enter a strong state of ketosis and lose a few pounds as a result.  I am keeping my calories at 1400 for now on MFP and will track my food.  My goal is to stay under 20g carbs and around 100g of protein.  I will also continue to exercise.  If I have some luck, then I know that la vida low carb is probably best for me.  I will keep you all posted, of course.

My Exercise

Though Taubes cautions against too much exercise during weight loss (because of added hunger and lack of evidence that exercise aids weight loss), I love how exercise makes me feel and will find a way to nourish myself so that I can stay active. It's funny how I have gone from an "exercise to eat" mentality to an "eat to exercise" mentality.  As an obese person, I just couldn't move without lots of pain and embarrassment.  Now I feel liberated and love to move and hike outside and commune with people, surrounded by healthy, positive energy.   Ketosis is supposed to suppress appetite, so hopefully this will help.

As a present to myself, and a symbol of my commitment to a healthy life, I rang in my 48th birthday last month running/walking a 5K race with one of my good buddies.  It was her first timed race.  We had a blast, and I got to meet some wonderful people from a Facebook group that I belong to (From Fat to Finish Line).

Here is a pic of me bright an early that morning.  My hubby isn't an early bird, so he really showed his love by getting up and driving us 40 minutes to the race.  One of my sons came along to cheer us on.  Great birthday presents!

I'm scheduled for one more "virtual" 10K race in August, and then the crazy fun Rock n' Roll Half Marathon in Las Vegas in November.  This is a night time race, right down the strip!

I've also started sampling the wonderful fitness classes at my gym.  I've taken Zumba and BodyCombat so far, and have LOVED the instructors for these classes.  They were cheery, positive and encouraging, and I felt great afterwards.  When I was much heavier, these classes would have exhausted me for days.  But I was elated by my ability to push myself and feel the cardio benefit, but not to the point of needing to keel over.  I was pleasantly surprised by this and was left feeling a good kind of tired. 

I'm still not 100% healed on my right arm from my earlier hiking accident, so I'm holding off on upper body weights (I abstained from planks and push-ups in my classes).  Next week I'm thinking of adding a couple of leg lifting days to the mix.  I know that building muscle will help my metabolism and help my running as well.

______________

Thanks for sticking with me and for all of your loving support.  I look forward to catching up on my blog reading and reconnecting to a wonderful blogging community that inspires and challenges me in my continued weight loss and healthy life adventure.

Changes in Attitudes

After an indulgent 24 hours celebrating my son's birthday, and taking bites of unhealthy sweets and chips, I'm finally over it and back on track.

Texas Chocolate Sheet Cake - our official family birthday cake.

I've read many times that you can't out-exercise a bad diet.  That may be true, but I have now experienced a few occasions, when my food choices were not good, I forced myself to get out there and exercise.  I have to say that those workouts weren't really about burning the extra calories.  It was about what it did ABOVE my shoulders.  Exercise hits the re-set button that switches me away from my "old place" of overeating that used to spiral out of control and transitions to my current, healthy, athletic self that is taking control and choosing wisely.

As I jogged one of my favorite beautiful trails today I was thankful for my healthier body.  I enjoyed the feeling of being able to run up hills, and breathe the fresh air.  Today my attitude changed from someone who was eating sugar and feeling tired and unmotivated, to someone who said "no excuses, get out there."  It felt wonderful and was one of my best runs.

Some friends and I have joined together to run/walk 2015 miles in 2015.  I'm ending January with 64.8 miles logged!  I'm also ending the month with sore muscles from strength training.  2015 is going okay so far, and I'll keep challenging myself to make healthy diet and exercise choices so that I can enjoy this active life for as long as possible.

On another note, I've been thinking about changing the name of my blog to something that reflects my new healthy lifestyle and challenges.  I'm very proud of my success using Optifast products, but as I move forward, my reflections have been more than about weight loss.  I haven't come up with a new name, it's just an idea that I'm toying with.  If I do switch, I'll be adding Formerly, Optifast Adventurer so that readers and searchers will know that it's me.

Thoughtful Posts this "Diet Season"

Today is a great day.  I can and I will.

Like many people, I'm struggling to regain my footing after the temptations of the holiday season.  I have good meals and bad meals, good snacks and bad snacks.  I can't say that I blow the whole day, but I have chosen meals or snacks that I know don't fit into my food template.  This is something I want to change, and I will change.

Although I rarely get to watch award shows (living in a house full of men), I was able to watch the Golden Globes a few days ago.  Many of the speeches were wonderful, but there was one that has had a lasting impact on me.  Gina Rodriguez, who won a Best Actress award, recounted a mantra that her father taught her.  "Today is a great day.  I can and I will."

What a powerful mindset in which to start your day.  This phrase really speaks to me with regard to facing my diet challenges.  I CAN see that off-program food, and I WILL say "no" to the inner voice that wants to eat it.  I choose to be a strong, healthy woman.

I read a wonderful, spot-on post today by Diane Carbonell over at Fit to the Finish.  In What To Do When That Food Calls Your Name, Diane gives a voice to those food items that we want to eat, even when we know they are unhealthy for us, or not in alignment with our health goals.  "You need me."  "You deserve me."  "You love me."  I don't know about you, but I sure have heard those voices when faced with unhealthy foods and unfortunately, recently I have caved in.  Diane speaks clearly and honestly about how we feel after caving in.  If you have the chance, please read the full blogpost.

Since the reintroduction of food after my full fast using Optifast 70 products, I've chosen to restrict my carbohydrate intake.   Admittedly, giving up cookies and sweets has been the most difficult part of this, but I also know that I needn't give up sweet treats altogether, as there are a number of low carb desserts and treats to choose from if I get a craving.  I read another great blogpost from the Low Carb Dietician, Five Tips for Achieving Low Carb Weight Loss Success in 2015.  She provided some science-based clarification on approaching a sustainable low carb diet and addressed the issue of high fat, low carb (something to not go too crazy with because of high calories), as well as tips for dining out and eating when you're sick.  It's a great read, and my resolve was bolstered by it.

If you're starting out on your weight loss journey, I wish you the best.  It can be done.  You can and you will.   It doesn't end there, though.  Losing weight is just the start of a lifelong awareness of being healthy and making choices to stay healthy.  It's sometimes discouraging, and right now for me, it is often frightening because I want to feel like I have a handle on it, as an insurance policy against weight gain and going back to how things were.  I want to know that if I follow that "Recipe for Success" to a "T" that I'll be fine.  But I know that for me it's more complicated than that.  My body system is complicated and my mind sometimes fights against me.

This will probably be the last post before I head to Phoenix for the Rock 'n' Roll Half Marathon.  I am under-prepared, but hopeful that I'll finish without injury.  I'm sure it will be an amazing experience.  I will also meet up with some virtual friends who have helped me and inspired me on my weight loss journey.  That means a lot to me!  I'll post photos for sure.

When I was 257 pounds it was intimidating to start exercise and to be seen in a bathing suit or out sweating on the gym machines. It took a great deal of humility and determination to say "to heck with it" and just do what I know was good for my body.  It also didn't take long for me to see positive results -- being stronger, more flexible, going faster for longer periods of time.  Yesterday a friend posted this awesome video that completely inspired me to keep moving and finding my athletic self.   I'll end my post with it and hope that it inspires all of you women with some "jiggle" to keep on going and never look back.  It's like one of those bad-ass Nike videos for us real women.  Enjoy!

The Half Marathon Prep and Playlist

166 lbs. (moving in the right direction)

I'm a little scared, but getting excited about running my first half marathon next weekend.  I've been training to run/walk in equal intervals, and have been maintaining a pace that will help me finish before my goal of 3:30.  Of course, since it's my first big race, I'm not sure how I'll do given the unfamiliar course, and my own well being on the race day.  13.1 miles will be my longest distance, even in training.  I plan to have my last long run tomorrow and will make it 11 miles, then I'm going to rest and only do a couple of short walks to keep moving.  I admit that I'm not doing this according to a training schedule.  I'm committed to changing that for future races, and will be more disciplined.

My diet has been mostly on target, with a couple of off-days.  I'm happy to see my weight move down, and I'll continue to add in some low calorie meal replacements to help spur further weight loss.  It would be nice to be down another pound or two before the race.

The Playlist

When I discovered the power of music on my mental focus and physical performance, it was a game-changer for me.  Right from the start of my weight loss journey, I made playlists and listened to them one or more times per day as a means of staying focused on my diet/health or increasing my exercise stamina.  I've written about it here and here.  Making a self-reflective and encouraging playlist was probably one of my top tools on this journey.  Some people may have a mantra that they repeat every day, but for me, when I hear this music in the car, or when I'm walking, I'm reminded of the day that I began my weight loss, and I focus on that mindset.

I've created playlists for my exercise as well.  When I subscribed to the FitRadio app, my walking tempo increased dramatically, and then I found myself starting to jog in spots.  That is when I started to love exercising.  Recently I learned about the Amazon Prime Music App, which gives Prime members access to an incredible amount of free music that can be downloaded onto your phone, and does not require data to access.  I found lots of "Cardio Workout" music and culled the internet for recommendations on favorite workout songs.  I've found some excellent music that I never would have found otherwise.  It's not all music that I listen to for pleasure, but it has 138-150 bpm, which keeps me walking or jogging 4.0-5mph, and I admit, it kind of kicks up the endorphins!

Here's the list I made for my half marathon training and race (I shuffle it).  Some of the songs I have in my playlist more than once because they have such a positive effect on me, or they have the perfect tempo.  I'm still adding to it!

Days Go By, The Offspring
Be Good to Yourself, Journey
New Shoes, Paolo Nutini
Gangsta's Paradise, Coolio
Give Love, MC Yogi
Cup of Life, Ricky Martin
Let's Go, Calvin Harris
Under African Skies, Paul Simon
The Obvious Child, Paul Simon
Live Your Life, T.I.
Just the Way You Are, Cardio Workout
Further to Fly, Paul Simon
Firework, Katie Perry
Just Like Heaven, The Cure
Mrs. Robinson, The Lemonheads
Stuck in a Moment, U2
Beautiful Day, U2
Veronica, Elvis Costello
Mambo No. 5, Lou Bega
The Distance, Cake
Remember the Name, Fort Minor
Shine Like a New Pin, Camera Obscura
Such Great Heights, The Postal Service
Friday I'm In Love, The Cure
Lo Boob Oscillator, Stereolab
Viva la Vida, Coldplay
Evangeline, Los Lobos
Industrial Disease, Dire Straits
If You Want Blood, AC/DC
Temptation, New Order
Get Ur Freak On, Missy Elliott
Runaway Baby, Bruno Mars
C'Mon, Tiesto & Diplo
Music, Darude
Feel the Beat, Darude
I Ran, Darude
Born at the Right Time, Paul Simon

One Year, No Fear

170.6 lbs.  (post-cruise damage, new year starting point)

"One Year, No Fear" is what will be printed on my bib for the Rock 'n' Roll Half Marathon.  It commemorates the first anniversary of the healthy weight loss adventure that I began exactly one year ago today.  Here is what I wrote that day.

I'd like to talk about a couple of things in this post.  First, I'll give a little update on the cruise that I just returned from last night.  Finally, I'll talk about my new weight and fitness goals and strategies.  I must keep moving forward because I have plenty of experiences to remind me of how much more fun it is to live in a healthier body.  It is worth working for.

The Cruise

We just returned from a beautiful seven night Caribbean cruise with my brother and his family.  It was a very active and adventurous trip and we created some special family memories together.  Here are the highlights:

• I kept up with my training runs and clocked in almost 25 miles over the 7 day cruise (ran 5 of the 7 days).  I was able to use my fitbit to track the distance, but I missed my usual phone apps due to the lack of phone service.  Oh well.  
• On New Year's Eve I did a long run, 7 miles, and by the stroke of midnight, ended 2014 with over 28,000 steps on my fitbit from all the running, walking and dancing :-)  It was an awesome way to end 2014!  
• I was able to stick with my eating program of protein, vegetables and fruit for two of the three meals per day, but when dinner rolled around, I enjoyed a few sugary cocktails or glasses of wine, as well as bread and dessert every night.  I could have made better choices, but I had planned for this.  My water intake was pretty low most days, too, though I brought my water bottle and tried to keep it filled up and nearby most of the time.
• Tried and succeeded at stand up paddle boarding!!!  I don't have that picture yet, but I'll post it some day when my brother sends it.  It was so much fun, and ticks a box on my bucket list.  Awesome!
• Tubed a winding river and hiked to and through water falls.  I even jumped off a cliff into a deep pool of spring water!  I wore a bathing suit in public the whole time, and while I felt a little self-conscious, I knew it was okay.
• Enjoyed swimming and snorkeling for two of the days and saw some amazing coral and fish.  It was the best snorkeling of my life.  I took my younger son snorkeling for his first time, and will never forget his reaction to swimming with schools of beautiful, colorful fish.  Priceless.
• Walked all over the place and danced the night away on New Year's Eve with my family and was able to keep up with the group without a problem.  
• Fit into airline seats, shuttle seats, deck chairs, trolley cars, inner tubes.  I was able to lay down in the sand, and get back up again without help.  These are some of the sensitive issues that I faced in the past.

There are many, many choices that I could have made differently, but I planned to splurge and my weight reflects it.  I enjoyed the family time with my brother and his family.  We played lots of games together, and of course, went on lots of adventures.  I really enjoyed myself on this trip, now that I'm in better shape!

Watching the sunrise during my morning runs on deck.

My Weight and Fitness Goals for the New Year

Weight Goals:  The beginning of this year I will focus my attention on getting my weight back down to a healthier level.  I am well above where I want to be, and I can feel how the extra weight is making my knees more sore after running, and my pants a little tighter.  I'm going to do a mixture of meal/snack replacements (Optifast, protein smoothies) and soup/"lean and green" meals.  While away on the cruise, I was not able to continue my almost one-year MyFitnessPal logging streak, so that begins again, and I look forward to starting over.  I will look back on some of my earlier menus and calorie levels and try and get back to losing 1-2 pounds per week until I reach my new weight goal, which is 148 lbs.  This will get me into the healthy BMI range and will give me some wiggle room for a healthy weight maintenance range.  In the past, when I have set a time frame on weight loss, I have sabotaged myself.  For now, I'm going to give myself this year to reach my weight goal, and really look at it as a process of learning how to balance times of excess eating with the majority of time eating leaner and healthier snacks and meals.  My goal is to establish a pattern of balance with regard to eating (tracking my food) and get down to 148 lbs.

Fitness Goals:  In a couple of weeks I'm going to run/walk my first half marathon, the PF Chang's Rock 'n' Roll Half Marathon in Phoenix.   For this first race, my goal is to finish in 3:30.  They start sweeping up the stragglers at 4 hours, so I really, really just want to finish!  Up to this point though, I haven't been very structured about training schedules or fitness classes.  I am going to shift my focus to building more muscle and running farther and faster.  My gym offers a strength class two days per week, and so I'm going to make a firm date with myself and start attending both sessions.  I'm also going to re-start the C25K app and run three 5K races this year without walking - I'll be looking at some upcoming races to sign up for.  Some of my Optifast Maintainer friends on Facebook have invited me to join them on a team to run 2015 miles in 2015.  I still need to get the details on this, but I'm all-in!  My fitness goal is to develop a structure to my workouts and running training.

That's where it all stands right now.  No Fear.  More details on all of this to come.  If you are new to Optifast and have stumbled upon my blog, please feel free to make comments or ask questions.  I'm happy to help support you! Happy New Year everyone!

Looking Ahead On Weight and Fitness

I have gotten swept up in the end of the year chaos and holiday events, so I wanted to just touch base on my health happenings.

I'm still seeking balance with my weight.  I find myself eating back my exercise calories so I'm glad that I lowered my overall calorie goal.  Unfortunately, I'm not seeing the scale go down any farther.  That tells me something right there, so I will really try and regain my diet discipline.   Today is a new day!  I'm going to weigh and measure more, to achieve accuracy.

I wasn't able to get in to have my RMR checked before Thanksgiving, but I'm going to call today and try to get it scheduled in the next few days.  It will give me more data that will help me set my calorie goals in MyFitnessPal.  It is another piece of the maintenance mystery.

I'm pushing myself farther and steeper on my hikes, and I've stepped up my running frequency to almost daily.  I find myself taking about 1 day off per week.  I never thought I'd find myself wanting to jog in the rain, but it happened a couple of days ago.  It was a misty rain, so it felt peaceful, and I wasn't soaked through to the bone or anything.  Maybe this is the mythical runners high, but I do feel uplifted when I start and finish my jog/walks (that pesky middle part isn't too bad, until it's bad - LOL).  As of now, I run twice as far as a walk.  I either time myself or use visual markers, so it's nothing too scientific, yet, but I have an app, and I'm tracking my pace.  It would be nice to work up to 3min/1min intervals.

Yesterday I signed up to run the Rock 'n Roll Half Marathon in Phoenix, which will be in January.  I'm super excited that I'll get to meet up with Martha (aka OptifastMom) on the day that we pick up our bibs.  I was inspired to to try running through her blog.  Thanks, chica!

So now I have to train in earnest.  I've set a very modest goal for this race -- basically I want to finish it before they sweep up the stragglers.  I have 4 hours before that happens, but I think I can do it in about 3 hours if I keep training and if I can stick fairly closely to my 2min/1min, run/walk intervals (but I'm aiming to work up to 3min/1min for most of it).  The music should be a huge boost as well. There will be live music playing throughout, but The Wallflowers are playing a concert after the race, and I love them.  It should be a fun party.  Music is one of my greatest joys.

I think a long and winding race is a very fitting way to celebrate the 1 year anniversary of starting my weight loss adventure.  It has been challenging in spots, and I wasn't sure I'd reach the "finish line" to a normal weight.  But I did it, and it has been one of the greatest things I've ever done for myself.

You never really finish the weight race because of the maintenance part of the equation.  I've settled in on the realization that this awareness will be a part of my life forever.  I don't expect to arrive at the stage where I "don't even have to think about my diet anymore" anytime soon.  Hopefully I will get there in the future, but as of now, I don't consider this stage a "timed" race.  I merely have to get through to the finish line each day, and keep tweaking my diet when necessary.

Post Race Bliss

Just wanted to give a quick update on my very fun 10 mile walk this morning!  I completed the Silver Strand 10 miler and earned my first race medal.  Yippee!

It was a beautiful California morning and I had great views of the beach on both sides of the course.  I did the walk with my sister and brother-in-law so the time passed quickly as we chatted about our holiday plans and engaged in general silliness.  Before I knew it, it was done.

My first two races (Color Run and Silver Strand) were more social experiences.  I enjoyed sharing the experiences with my family and  friends, but I have to admit that I have the bug to do a race and go all out for my best time.  I think I'll be searching for one to go solo on and we will see how that goes.  I'm just thrilled to be able to go out there and participate.  I've come a very long way.

I know I'll be signing up for both social and personal races in the future.  It is just a wonderful way to stay in shape, have a goal and end with a party!  Plus, I admit to feeling just a little bad-ass athletic, which is something I admired in others when I was sitting on the sidelines as an overweight person.  It is awesome to know that a person like me can go from the sidelines to the race course in a matter of months!  If you are reading this in the middle of your weight loss journey, you'll be there too!

Here are some sights from this morning:

Looking like a giant, walking tall before the race.

The morning was flawless here at the starting line.

At the finish line with my first racing medal!  It felt great.

Diet and Exercise: Musing on the Adjustment

160 lbs. (scream weight!)

Warning:  This post is a bit of a ramble about my diet.

Since I returned from vacation, I've experienced a few changes that keep me thinking about the connection between diet and exercise (and the tweaking of food intake for optimal nutrition).  I'm also thinking about the blurred line between eating optimally for fuel, and eating for other pleasurable reasons.

Over the past few weeks, with my increase in exercise, I've slowly increased my calories.  When I increased my calories a few weeks ago, I was able to maintain my weight pretty well.  This told me that my metabolism was continuing to increase and recover from almost 40 weeks of a very low calorie diet.

But things have changed both behaviorally and perhaps metabolically for me the past few days.  This week I found myself eating a couple of extra servings of cottage cheese as a snack, I've been adding to my daily lunch salad some protein, dried cranberries, avocado and sprinkles of Gorgonzola and sunflower seeds, too.  All of these little add-ons (that also make my salad a decadent treat) have lots of calories.  At first, I was eating because I was famished on the days that I have my strength training class.  Those days had me hungry and scrambling for food throughout the day.  But now I wonder if I'm overdoing it by adding these treats daily.  Am I unconsciously adding in those treats as a reward for exercise?

When does a logical eating strategy turn into a pathway for old behaviors?

Well, I guess when I start justifying daily consumption of foods that I LOVE, such as cheese and dried cranberries!  I'm probably going to have to throw in cottage cheese as well, since I have gotten into the habit of adding a little Splenda and cocoa power for a sweet treat.

Where does exercise fit into this equation?  Well, here's where I might get myself turned around sometimes.  I've done some reading, and I'm learning in my maintenance class that it is beneficial to eat very soon after lifting and also it's important to have some carbs with that snack.  I'd been avoiding grains for the most part, but for the past week or so I started having a piece or two of whole wheat bread with natural peanut butter (yummy and also high calorie!)  I'm pairing my carb with a fat or protein just like my class suggested, but I wonder if that yummy combination of a carb and peanut butter might be too much of a trigger food for me.

Maintenance is a learning experience for sure.

I have to call myself out when I see certain snacking and eating behaviors creep back into my life and when the result is an uptick in the scale.  Eating whole wheat bread and natural peanut butter (and measuring and logging the calories) may not seem like an issue to many people.  For those who subscribe to the notion that a calorie = a calorie, they would look at my diet and say "she's eating too many calories for her energy needs, so of course she's gaining weight."  They would be partially right, of course.  But I think our bodies are more complex.

What I've learned about myself in the weight loss process is that I DO experience emotional reactions to foods that make me want to eat more (perhaps those are even hormonally triggered and can be managed with food choices.)  I don't know the answers yet.  I'm just now truthfully trying to identify those foods and deciding how I'm going to handle it.  Whether it's through abstinence, mindfulness, distraction techniques, or other ways of moving away from food when I'm not hungry, I'm going to try and be honest with myself and figure out the best way to manage my "head" issues around food.

I also realize that I'm still healing from my fast, and that it may take some time for my body to adjust to the ups and downs of exercise, hormones, new foods, etc.  So I'm trying not to have too much of a knee-jerk response to all of this.  I have to look at it objectively, scientifically, and with a long-term view that this is a process that I may be wrestling with forever.  That's fine with me, as long as I can successfully switch gears and get back down to a healthy weight when it starts creeping up.

Making Today My Goal Weight

Feeling Good About My Weight

I wanted to give a quick update.  I'm starting to settle into eating now, and lost a couple of the food introduction pounds that I had put on.  I'm now 155 lbs. in the morning, which is where my MyFitnessPal ticker is stopped.  I've been able to maintain this weight for the past few days so I'm hoping the this constitutes the start of a more stable time in my weight maintenance.

I'm starting to feel very happy with my body and my new emphasis on fitness.  I've decided to make 155 lbs. my new goal weight and just be very darned happy to be here.  Everybody says you'll know when you've reached goal.  Well, today I just feel like I'm very happy where I am.  I would like to practice maintaining this weight for a few months, and if I feel like I want to lose more, then I might try.  If I don't, that's okay too.  I want to focus on building muscle now, and sculpting my body, rather than focus too much on the scale for the time being.

I can't tell you how wonderful it is to have made peace with the number on the scale.  I'm happy with the way my clothes fit, and I'm looking forward to taking on new challenges in my overall fitness.  This is a happy place to be, and a place that I never thought possible only a year ago!

My scream weight will remain 160 lbs, so I'll be checking daily, even during my muscle building time, but I might have to tweak the scream weight during that process too.  I'm new to all of this, so I'm certainly not going to etch anything in stone!

Fitness Bliss

I'm totally loving the C25K training, and my evening walks, even on the nights that I don't train.  I've been frequenting a lovely park near my son's karate studio, and when I drop him off, I go walking or jogging.  It is on a hilltop and gives a beautiful sunset view over the ocean (a far-away view depending on fog conditions), though I won't be seeing that until next Spring due to the shorter days.  In the evening, it looks out over neighborhood lights and darkened hills.  I saw a shooting star the other night.  I love exercising outside, and even though I'm literally going around in a circle at a park, just breathing the air feels so good to me.  It is also populated with exercisers so I don't feel unsafe, even after dark.

Speaking of walking...I LOVED this post on Mark's Daily Apple.

Thank You

So that's today's update.  I feel blessed and at peace with my decision to stop at this weight and enjoy a new focus on fitness and weight maintenance.  Thank you so much for supporting me through this process.  I am humbled that I have readers from all over the world, and I will continue to keep writing on this next chapter of my adventure.

Food for Thought and the "Screech to a Halt" Weight

I'm still working on and struggling with this transition back to food.  Even though I've never lost THIS much weight before (and I'm thrilled about it!), I've been yoyo-ing long enough to know how quickly weight comes back on relative to how long it takes to lose it.  I've traveled that road many times.  It is a terrible route to take and the scenery is ugly and unpleasant.

Last night I stepped on the scale before bedtime and it read 160 lbs.  This, my friends, is my "scream weight" or "screech to a halt" weight.  Whatever you want to call it, this is the weight that I said would be the red line that I never wanted to cross.  So, you might ask, "Christy, what the heck is happening?"

Here are the gory details.  For the past 3 weeks I thought I was smarter than my clinic, and unlike the thousands of clients who have gone through the program before me, the rules of transition didn't really apply to me.   I mean, avocados are healthy, and having a half of one on my daily salad can't be a bad thing.  It's a superfood.  Then there is the cheese.  It's dairy, right?  I can count it as a dairy if it's low fat- but 1 2/3 cups in one day? Not that portion.  Roasted pumpkin seeds -- not on the list, even if I do measure them out and count them on MyFitnessPal.  Then the Redi Whip that is in the fridge.  We use it to give my son some meds that he takes on a daily basis.  I was able to look past it all during the fast, but a few times recently I rationalized a few tablespoons.  Some foods are healthy and will eventually work their way back into my diet, but just not right now.  Some foods I'll have to evaluate and see if they can be kept around.

Then there was the Saturday afternoon at home watching a chick flick.  Hubby is out of town.  I went into my garage to get a Diet Coke.  A bag tipped over, and in it were leftover beach snacks from the birthday bonfire.  A box of Trader Joe's Ginger Snaps.  MMmm.  Nooooooooo!  Okay, maybe a couple.  That turned into 15 cookies, and yes, if you give a girl a cookie, she's gonna want a glass of milk, right?

I didn't give the full weight (pun intended) to my behavior until I ate the cookies last night.  I felt that old shame cycle starting to creep up again and knew that I needed to put a stop to it quickly.  First, I walked the cookies and cheese out to the dumpster.  Cheese has been calling out to me for a couple of months now, and I just can't have it around.    I would say that it's a "trigger" food and is something I crave without good willpower.  The mozzarella sticks don't seem to tempt me, just the cheddar and fancy stuff.  So I kept the sticks.

Then I laced up my shoes and enlisted a kid to come with me while I went on a walk/jog at the park.  That was what I needed.  My stomach felt full and almost bursting, but I told myself that I would just put on my bad ass music and walk.  It wasn't long before I took some jogging intervals, and then suddenly the obese Christy was fading away again, and the athletic Christy was stepping up to the plate.  I was feeling stronger and my head was feeling clearer.  I wasn't castigating myself in my mind over the food, but my mind was going to a very positive, strong place.

So which Christy is the one I'm going to feed and impart power?  I'm voting for bad ass running Christy.  I may have to throw out more food in the future, but I am not going back to out-of-breath, unhappy, embarrassed, pained, unhealthy Christy.  Bless her heart, she was trying her best to live, but it was really, really hard and NOT too much fun.  That woman is still there beneath the surface, her memory is still very fresh and her habits are, too.

I don't hate that person I used to be.  I understand the impulses that led to a lifetime of obesity, and I've learned to see them earlier in me now, and take notice and action.  I see that particular part of me as someone I want to keep dormant and as quiet as possible.  I understand that this is going to take time for me, and she may live within me always, even if I am able to silence her the majority of the time.

I know I posted this meme before, but it sure comes to mind today as I reflect on my transition to food.




So today I am back to making healthy, mindful choices.  I've had a few of these, and I'm pleased with each day I'm able to keep to my program.  It's not just a giant freak-out fest over here.  I'm just doing my best today, and I'll do my best tomorrow as well.  I think I'll have the most success with that if I honestly face my actions, talk about them, and then come up with new strategies.

I hope this blog doesn't begin to sound like a broken record every time I come here and process my food behaviors.  If it does, I'm sorry.  I may have to put a disclaimer up at the top.

Warning:  Rehashing the same familiar food behaviors, and trying like crazy to get better.

Edit (9/15):  Today there was an excellent post on Fit to the Finish about Scale Creep.  It provides encouragement to take action when the numbers creep up.  

Week 36 Weigh-In: Setting Healthy Boundaries

155 lbs. (FYI, the MFP ticker to the right represents my morning weight - this one is 6pm at the clinic)

A good chunk of last night's Optifast meeting focused on me.  This was the first time my issues took up much of the spotlight, but it seems the theme of my struggles resonated with many in my group.  They were able to give me some perspective and some really good suggestions as well.

I shared some past and current painful experiences with my older sister, including my binge that followed her recent visit.  I've been to therapy about this relationship, but this past visit had a situation that involved my son, and I think it brought back a flood of negative memories and feelings from when I was his age.

I'm not going to go into details here, but the gist of my discussions with the group involved writing and speaking aloud my negative experiences (which I did), and setting up appropriate boundaries around the relationship (which I'm developing a plan for, and think I have a strategy for future encounters.)

It is not in my family's tradition to cut someone off fully, but I do feel like I can create a life with fewer interactions, and be direct about keeping boundaries when they are being breached.

My husband and I have a trip planned close to where she lives, and I've made the decision to only make arrangements to pop by to see her on the way to the airport, if we have time.  I'm not going to make an effort to carve out time in this precious trip that we are taking, to visit with her.  This may sound harsh, but it is important for me to honor my feelings and experiences and minimize exposure to someone who causes me emotional harm.  She also has a history of spending lots of time working during family gatherings, so I know it won't be completely out of left field for us to not be able to get together when I'm nearby.

Someday it may be important for me to speak to her directly about how her behavior in the past and present is hurtful to me, but in truth, I know that she is incapable of processing the information and it would only be for my benefit.  I'll probably know if the time is right to do this.

Lots of my classmates are showing their bravery in family situations and standing up for their healthy best interest.  Speaking up for ourselves is important on a psychological level, and whether the person we are speaking to agrees with us or not, we are entitled to our perspective and to make the choices that are best for us.  The more I learn to do this on a regular basis, the less likely I will be to stuff down my feelings with food.  I'm going to need to practice awareness and figure out what to do with myself when I want to run to the fridge.

On the food front, I'm feeling terrific as I've added protein, vegetables and salad to my daily diet.  I love the extra energy and more vigorous workouts.  My oldest son is doing the C25K app with me and it's really wonderful to share the experience with him.  Two of the days we run are in the evening, and I feel much safer running with him at our nearby park.  It's also a great bonding experience to have with my 15 year old introvert.  It warms my heart knowing that he is enjoying it too.

My husband and I will also be taking long walks/hikes together a couple of times per week which is going to be nice.   He works from home now and our plan to is to head to the trails right after we drop off our kids at their schools.

I'm going to be speeding up my weaning off the shakes, and am on course to be completely off of them in two weeks.  At that time I'll be qualified to transfer into the next Maintenance Class, and will be spending some time building up my metabolism and slowly increasing my calories from the 1000 calorie level (post-shakes).  I'm looking forward to it and believe that this will take me to my goal weight and then I can work up to a maintenance level of calories.  I don't know exactly how it will work, but I'll figure it out with the help of the clinic counselors.

Moving Forward on Getting In Shape

I'm turning the page on my recent eating struggles and have stabilized myself, eating on program.  It feels great to be on program, and it feels great to find success getting myself BACK on program.  I know I sound like a broken record, but short of not making those off-program choices, I believe my future long-term success at maintenance hinges, in part, on being able to recover and get back on track.  I'm concentrating on ditching my "all or nothing" outlook.  As Stuart Smally said in the hilarious movie Stuart Saves His Family (video Prozac for me!)  "It's progress, not perfection."

I've been reading a lot about people who successfully maintain their weight loss, and there are a few strategies that they generally employ:

 - They have a 5-10 pound weight range that they maintain.  When reaching the upper end they watch their diets more closely, and when they go above the range, the employ weight loss measures.  Most weigh themselves at least once a week, if not daily.

-  They experiment to find a calorie range that maintains their weight in that range, neither gaining nor losing.  After their weight loss, they gradually add back in calories in 100-calorie increments until they are stable.  They add a few more if they increase their activity level.

-  Most of them log their food daily to keep track of calories, and a good number mentioned measuring and weighing food to ensure accuracy.

-  They move!  Every day on a regular basis they get some exercise and it is a part of their routine.

Where I Am Today

Since I've started introducing food and I'm feeling more energetic, I made a few positive steps recently that are helping me to keep motivated and moving forward.

- I've started the C25K program (Couch to 5K running app), and have enjoyed including some jogging in my workouts.  It feels great!  My body wants to move!

-  I signed up for the Silver Strand 10 Miler, that will take place in early November.  I plan to run/walk it with my sister, niece and a good friend.  I'm jazzed to be training for this beautiful race that is relatively flat and runs along beautiful Coronado Island.  It will also add some structure and a goal to my workouts.

-  On that note, I just invested in a pair of real running shoes.  I actually went to our local running store, had them do all kinds of tests on my feet and the way I walk, and then they helped me pick out the perfect pair of shoes.  I tried several on and these felt right almost immediately.

My new beauties - Brooks Ghost 7s

I feel really positive today and excited to move forward, creating a life that will sustain my weight loss and hopefully even lose the last 10 pounds so I can reach my goal.

I also updated my Progress Pictures to document my current weight, since it had been a while.  I noticed the difference in my upper body the most this time.  My neck is elongated and my collar bones are showing.  I've gone from a pants size 26 to a size 8/10 depending on the cut.  I went from a XXL t-shirt to a Medium.

So this is the my update and progress.  I hope all of you are working your programs as well.  Let's not get discouraged with setbacks, but let's move forward and keep making small, positive changes.