My Fragile Transition To Food

Since starting my Progressive Food Encounters (PFE's) I have discovered that my old impulses were only dormant during the fast, and are still present.  I realize that this week was literally the Perfect Storm for triggering old hurts and having old reactions resurface, and it unfortunately landed when I was planning to and really wanted to reintroduce food.  There is nothing like a visit from a relative to touch those long-buried (and in my case, therapied) feelings, and then react to them in old familiar ways.  This week has made me realize how fragile my recovery is, and how I'm going to need to learn to be present with strong emotions in order to stave off my impulses to emotionally eat and binge, which were my old go-to coping mechanisms.

A couple of days ago, after an upsetting family encounter,  I resorted to my old comfort - food.  I was totally off program and nibbled on things leftover in the house.  Little cookies, cheese, bits of leftovers.  I didn't like what I was doing.  Alarm bells were going off.  I decided to stop myself and throw away all the foods that were tempting me. I wasn't happy with myself, but I wanted to move on and start over.

I had a good day after that.  By the book, 3 oz. of chicken and my shakes.  That was great.

Then yesterday I had a good start, but I was ruminating over my frustrations, and last night, I started eating smokehouse almonds.  Three handfuls until I threw the bag away.  Oy.

I felt very sick to my stomach last night, and I'm sure today is going to be intestinally tough.

So here I am writing about it for all the world to see.  Luckily I have my group to go to next week, and a maintenance class to start in the near future.  I'm going to need the support and I realize it.  If I've learned anything in this program, it's that support really helps me.  And writing works for me too.  This blog isn't like Facebook for me (although it has been filled with fun lately)  But it's the good, bad and ugly of this weight loss adventure I'm in the middle of.

Deep down I know that I will grow from this experience, but I am disappointed in how quickly I resorted to my old ways.  Today is a new day, and I will be mindful and take it one meal at a time.

Here are some readings I'm gaining strength and encouragement from today.  These are from the wonderful blog A Weight Loss Journey:

The Language of Letting Go

Accepting Our Best

We don't have to do it any better than we can - ever.

Do our best for the moment, and then let it go. If we have to redo it, we can do our best in another moment, later.

We can never do more or better than we are able to do at the moment. We punish ourselves and make ourselves feel crazy by expecting more than our reasonable best for now.

Striving for excellence is a positive quality.

Striving for perfection is self-defeating.

Did someone tell us or expect us to do or give or be more? Did someone always withhold approval?

There comes a time when we feel we have done our best. When that time comes, let it go.

There are days when our best is less than we hoped for. Let those times go too. Start over tomorrow. Work things through, until our best becomes better.

Empowering and complimenting ourselves will not make us lazy. It will nurture us and enable us to give, do, and be our best.

Today, I will do my best, and then let it go. God, help me stop criticizing myself so I can start appreciating how far I've come.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.

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Today's thought from Hazelden is:

Defeat may serve as well as victory
To shake the soul and let the glory out.
--Edwin Markham

So life has given us some dents. So what? Dents are necessary, besides being unavoidable and painful. Each dent is a part of the process that enables us to embrace life as a creative experience and to see the world in a new way, a way of compassion and understanding. Recovery is not a matter of escaping further blows or of disguising the dents we already have. It's a matter of understanding what the dents mean and how we can work with them.

Dents are neither soft spots in our characters that should make us ashamed nor saber scars that should make us proud. They are simply evidence that we have been alive for a while. Recovery offers us the chance to learn from our dents, to accept them as new spaces for growth. When we decide to see our dents as opportunities gained rather than opportunities lost, we stand much taller in our own eyes and in the eyes of others.

Today, I will look on my difficult life experiences in a new light. Today, I will plant some seeds.

You are reading from the book:

Days of Healing, Days of Joy by Earnie Larsen and Carol Larsen Hegarty

Week 26 Weigh-In: Just Keep Turning the Page

176.5 lbs.

Sometimes the universe provides!  In my Optifast group tonight we talked about moving past our negative choices.  It was comforting to hear (re-hear) this lesson about having more (self) compassion when I choose a path that isn't aligned with my health goals.  I consider this to be a very important issue for me, personally.  In my past attempts to lose weight, I would lose a few pounds, fall off the wagon, and then rationalize a delay in re-starting my program.  By the time "Monday" would roll around I would have several days off the wagon and a whole pile of guilt.   At that point, it would be extremely difficult for me to get back to the healthy eating program.  This is the wonderful thing about attending a support group.  You have a safe place to discuss your challenges among people who can relate and offer insights.



I'm happy that after my last transgression I was able to return to my eating plan and move on.  I think that the reason I'm nervous about those off-program choices I made is because in my mind I don't trust myself yet.  Despite 23 weeks of following Optifast perfectly, I look at my recent bites and immediately forget how strong I am, as evidenced by my ability to lose over 80 pounds so far.  I now see this as absurd thinking.  It isn't that I'm suddenly a bad person because I made a mistake.  I am strong to have gotten this far and I am able to begin again and keep moving towards my goals.

Speaking of goals, I've been enjoying my evening walks and goal to complete at least one mile per day (I'm almost at a two mile mark during the time that my son is in karate class). It's wonderful to to feel physically stronger and more athletic, and it has taken my mind off of food.  It's a stress buster too.

On the family front, we are doing well with our business, and my hubby has a conference call with another company next week.  I'm keeping my fingers crossed for him because it is a direction in his career that he would be excited to pursue.  It would be great for our family as well.  I'm keeping hopeful and positive.

Weekend Check-in and Tough Love

I'm sure if you've been reading my blog for the last few weeks, you've noticed that I've been struggling with food obsession and wanting to eat.  I wrote about tasting and recognizing it as a slippery slope.   Despite processing through all of this, and making some positive strides in the exercise department, I had my worst cheat ever on Saturday.  I ate a meatball and I ate a about 1/4 cup of shredded cheese.  I logged them on MyFitnessPal. What was I feeling when I ate?  I was feeling selfish, and just wanted to eat after fasting for so long.  It smelled good, it looked good and I've been craving them.  People have been complimenting me on my weight loss, and I'm feeling so much better about myself, and my resolve for sticking to it was weak.

I consider this a wake-up call and low point.  I wouldn't dare justify it because I made a commitment to this journey and this goes against that commitment. I'm not at the finish line yet.

This is what I have have done in the past when I failed at weight loss.  I got within an inch of a weight loss milestone or goal, then bailed before the finish line. THERE IS NO WAY I AM GOING TO DO THAT THIS TIME. 

Everything about this weight loss adventure has been different.  I have engaged my mind and heart in looking at past behaviors and triggers, and I really feel like I've grown stronger as a person.  Although I am new to this awareness, I'm not going to ignore what I've learned so far.  This time it's not about ignoring "conventional wisdom" or something outside of myself.  It is about ignoring ME and my own accumulated wisdom. This is where the rubber hits the road, and I need to pass the test.  So today is a no-cheat day and I'm starting fresh with that same no-nonsense approach that I used for the first 5 months of my program.  I know that I can do this.

On a very positive note, I found some FUN workout stations on Pandora that are going to rejuvenate my walks and keep me pumped through the start of the C25K (Couch to 5K) app.  Yes, I'm going to give it a go, if my achilles tendon will let me.  I'm also signed up to walk the Silver Strand Half Marathon with my sisters and friend in November, so the training will begin and I have a bad-ass athletic goal to train for  (heehee).  I'm going to start very slowly, because I'm still only eating 420 calories per day, and I don't want to start working out hard and run the risk of slowing my weight loss progress.

Achieving my weight loss goal is my number one objective and I will reach that finish line first, and modify my behavior and exercise goals to make sure that I get there this time.

Thanks to everyone for your good thoughts and cyber-support.  I am very touched and it means a lot to me.

I will edit this post at the end of the day to report back on my no-cheat progress.

First Edit**:  I just published this blog post, then read a wonderful entry on A Weight Loss Journey (see side bar for link).  It really spoke to me with my current challenges.  Here is an excerpt:

Each Day a New Beginning

I want to do it because I want to do it. Women must try to do things as men have tried. When they fail, their failure must be but a challenge to others.
  —Amelia Earhart

Fear of failure plagues many women, not just those who get into trouble with drugs, alcohol, food. Those of us in this recovery program may still fear failure. Halting our addiction doesn't solve all our problems, but it does allow us to realistically take stock of our assets. Knowing our assets and accepting them provides the confidence we need to attempt a project, to strive for a goal.

Another plus of this recovery program is the help available from our groups and our higher power. All things become possible when we understand we are not alone. Seeing other women strive and succeed or strive, fail, and strive again, undefeated, creates an energy flow that can spur us on, if we choose. Feeling good about others' accomplishments can motivate each of us.

Today, I will pay particular attention to the accomplishments of other women, those close to me and those I read or hear about. I will believe their example and feel the forward push. 

From Each Day a New Beginning: Daily Meditations for Women by Karen Casey © 1982, 1991 by Hazelden Foundation.

Second Edit:  Ended the day in full compliance and with a nice walk under my belt.  Feeling much more confident and at peace.

Practicing Peace in Times of War

I just read this wonderful quote by Pema Chodron, taken from her book Practicing Peace in Times of War and quoted from the Shambhala Blog)

When you’re like a keg of dynamite just about to go off, patience means just slowing down at that point—just pausing—instead of immediately acting on your usual, habitual response. You refrain from acting, you stop talking to yourself, and then you connect with the soft spot. But at the same time you are completely and totally honest with yourself about what you are feeling. You’re not suppressing anything; patience has nothing to do with suppression. In fact, it has everything to do with a gentle, honest relationship with yourself. If you wait and don’t fuel the rage with your thoughts, you can be very honest about the fact that you long for revenge; nevertheless you keep interrupting the torturous story line and stay with the underlying vulnerability. That frustration, that uneasiness and vulnerability, is nothing solid. And yet it is painful to experience. Still, just wait and be patient with your anguish and with the discomfort of it. This means relaxing with that restless, hot energy—knowing that it’s the only way to find peace for ourselves or the world.

This mindfulness practice has been very helpful to me as I work through the uncertainties of my life, and the stresses caused by sudden change.  I won't lie to you - I've been drawn to food.  I've felt like I was moving against a familiar and dangerous current trying to sweep me away.  My old unhealthy coping strategies are pushing against the new direction and momentum I've developed these past few months.  This has been a good test.  I'm choosing to feel the feelings, talk about them and write about them, and I can't believe that it's helping.  I'm strong enough to move through the current and get to safety.

Life isn't all rage and anguish.  We're figuring things out and some of it is very exciting.  And I still have the daily pleasures of a kind husband, sweet kids, a growing garden, a smaller/healthier body, my first private practice client, and the peacefulness of walking during a pale pink sunset.

I don't take those good things for granted.

I hope you all are doing well on your own healthy adventures, and I wish you the very best.

Where the Mind Wanders When The Body Doesn't Eat

I'm going through a phase of thinking about food and about how I'd like to eat when I reach my goal weight and finish transition and maintenance.  I hesitate to dwell on it, because I still have many months of my fast left to go.  But...meat and veggies are looking very, very good to me right now, so I've taken to reading diet-related "groups" on MyFitnessPal.  I'm ashamed to say that I've become a vouyer on those boards, looking at public food diaries for clues about what people are eating to live well and maintain weight.

There is this way of eating called Primal/Paleo that has my attention.  My husband is eating this way right now and has lost about 35 pounds and feels great.  But this type of eating was made for him as he's an avid carnivore and butter enthusiast.  It goes against all the conventional wisdom we were taught about eating.  Eat fatty meats, non-hydrogenated fats (bulk of calories), and non-starchy veggies.  No grains, and for some, no dairy.  I guess we will have an idea of how it's going when he has his next routine blood work done!  It will really mean something, if his cholesterol and lipids are normal.

How crazy is it that I'm even writing about this???  I can't even eat right now!  But somehow, it is helping just to make my inner feelings public.

Optifast is a long journey for me.  I've planted my garden, I've passed on birthday cake, wine, and Easter feasts.  Sometimes, I guess I just need to live vicariously through people who are maintaining their weight and eating food, something I hope to be doing in the near future.  Did anyone else go through this during their Optifast days?

Oh, here's a picture of my happy garden.    Thanks for helping me get through this time.

4 Sweet 100 Cherry Tomatoes
3 Brandy Boy Tomatoes
1 Kellogg Breakfast Tomato (plus 3 seeds planted)
3 cucumber plants
4 Green Bean plants
3 zucchini plants
Cilantro, Basil and Mint

Resistance

I haven't even started fasting yet, but I'm already struggling with resistance.  My only Optifast job this week is to log my meals. It's a familiar feeling for me -  I know what I'm suppose to do but just keep putting it off.  Then that feeling of dread is mixed with guilt.  It reminds me of the Switchfoot song that talks about the war between "how it is and how it should be" and "who you are and who you could be".
Why do I do it?  I wonder if I'm afraid to acknowledge and take ownership of my diet, or if I'm resisting for other reasons.  It is something I need to think about over the course of the next few months.  There is also the issue of integrating a new habit and discipline into my life.  It is almost a "before" and "after" maintenance challenge.  Hopefully when I'm through with the fast, I will have worked out this self-imposed obstacle.

Time to get focused and get caught up.  If I'm going to be successful, I need to jump all of these hurdles and stay on track without falling on my face.  Resistance is futile.  I want to push through it and not let it derail my goals and dreams.  I'm thinking about kayaking, cute clothes, lower cholesterol, more energy, outdoor fun, fitting comfortably into an airplane seat. Okay, now it is time to get off of this computer and face the music.