Freedom

161 lbs.

FREEDOM!

Yesterday I finished my Optifast Maintenance class.  This was the final weekly class of my program at the clinic, and I'll move on to attending monthly Booster classes for as least a year, and hopefully longer.  I consider this a huge milestone for me.  I officially completed my program, but the new life continues on.  We did an exercise of remembering what life was like at our heaviest.  I have the benefit of looking back at the beginning of this blog to keep those memories fresh in my mind. (My First Post) but it was wonderful, nonetheless, to really look at how much better my life is now that I'm not carrying the extra weight.  The best word I can use to describe how I feel is "Free".

• Free from the chronic pain of sciatica and Achilles tendonitis
• Free to blend in during social situations and out in the world
• Free from the feeling that I might die soon of a heart attack. (I frequently worried about this.)
• Free to buy and wear any kind of clothing I want at a normal store (and free to choose a personal style!)
• Free to engage in fun physical activities with family and friends - hiking, kayaking, walking distances, swimming in public, yoga and many adventures ahead!
• Free from the anxiety of fitting into chairs, booths, amusement park rides, cars, boats
• Free to travel on airplanes in comfort, with room between me and the next person
• Free from immediate and unconscious episodes of emotional eating
• Free from the cravings induced by a diet consisting primarily of carbohydrates
• Free from the embarrassment and disappointment in myself for not getting a handle on my weight and health.

Basically, many wonderful things I want to do in this life, my only life, I am able to do now because I shed the extra weight.  That is freaking glorious!  

Am I a perfect physical specimen?  Nah.  I'm still a little heavier than I maybe could be.  I'm working on it and have a lifetime to tweak my diet and weight numbers.  There is still so much for me to learn through the maintenance process, but I don't feel pressured to have to have all the answers right now. 

I also have physical activity goals.  I'm training for the Rock n Roll Half Marathon (will run/walk it), and I hope to one day be able to run a complete 5K without stopping.  There are many more strength and speed goals that I'll be able to challenge myself with.

DIET TWEAKING

As I mentioned, I'm still trying to figure things out with my diet. The scale has been creeping up despite relatively clean eating and lots of exercise, so I have decided to switch gears a bit.  Since starting my Maintenance class, I rationalized a few more carbs than I had initially intended to eat.  Even though I lowered my calorie level, I have seen the scale creep up and down, but really not move down consistently.  I have some of my Optifast products as a back up, but I'd really love to try and figure out a sustainable way of eating so that I can maintain my weight (and lose the few pounds I gained since stopping the fast)  I realize that I've put on muscle since I stopped the fast.  I'm lifting weights, hiking and jogging.  I'd just like to keep building the muscle, but lose some of the stored fat as well.  My clothes all fit fine, so I think I'm looking at a a body fat/muscle % issue now.

In effort to be as transparent as possible, and in case anyone is interested in the wild musings of someone tweaking their diet, I will share with you my new dietary plan/experiment.  I've decided to lower my carbohydrate intake considerably.  I'm striving to keep it under 10% of my calories, and make up the calories with healthy fats and reasonable (not excessive) protein.  My carbs will come from vegetables grown above ground and some berries.   I've been reading about a ketogenic diet, and want to try it.  I have two hopes for this plan.  I'm looking to burn my stored fat as my primary energy source (by staying in ketosis) and I'd like to be able to raise my calories (to 1500-1700 kcals) in an effort to help rev my metabolism a bit.  I'm exercising a great deal, and I don't think 1300 kcals is enough for me.  One wild card in this way of eating will be its impact on my athletic performance.  I will see if I can run and hike as vigorously on a low level of carbs.  It remains to be seen, and I'll let you all know.

I'm giving this experiment two weeks and I'm weighing myself daily to see how it goes.

That's it for me for now.  I hope all of you are enjoying. and not stressing over the holiday season too much.  I'm making spiced nuts to give out as gifts for my neighbors.  I'm sure cookies will be brought into the house, but I'll try and be strong! We are having an "experience" Christmas this year.  We cashed in our frequent flyer miles and booked a cruise for Dec. 26th.  So we're not doing very many presents this year.  Everyone is happy with that plan, and I'm finished with all of my family shopping.  Snorkels for everyone!

Observations of the Eating Habits of Fit People in the Wild

Since beginning my fast in early January, I've had a lot of time on my hands to watch people eat.  I've sat with people at restaurants, happy hours, family gatherings and house dinner parties.  It has been very interesting to observe what and how "normal" weight people eat.  Here are a few observations:

• My friends who do not have weight problems seem to eat little snacks throughout the day, and do not particularly eat large portions at a meal.  One of my colleagues whips out hummus and veggies at 10am, or eats some sort of small snack in the morning.  She then has lunch and fruit for a snack later.
• They bring water bottles with them EVERYWHERE and drink water all day
• The healthy eaters are making healthy choices most of the time.  I watch what they bring in for lunch, and many times it is a salad.  Sometimes, it is a healthy leftover from dinner.  They aren't angels -- I've been with them at happy hour, and they eat cheese and meat and more decadent   choices - but they are small portions.
• Many of my colleagues shy away from refined carbohydrates, and tend to go with meat and vegetable choices.  They leave most of the rice on their plates.  I can understand this as the arguments against simple carbohydrates become more mainstream.
• They are not compelled to eat what is in front of them - such as a basket of chips, an appetizer or cookies

Happy, healthy choices.

As someone with a food addiction, I can see where I might have a difficult time with adopting some of these lifestyle habits, while others I feel are completely within reason.  Here's what I think I can do, with some practice:

• Optifast (and Medifast for that matter) taught me the wisdom of eating every three hours.  I feel terrific with this steady level of blood sugar.  I will have to see what will be best for the between-meal snacks -- perhaps a protein shake or other protein-rich snack.  Personally, I think I will avoid anything with sugar or carbohydrates as I know that it has a biochemical affect on me and often leads to cravings.  I'm going to have to test fruit with this in mind.
• I love my water bottles now, and I don't see myself changing that habit!
• I will aim to eat well 90% of the time, and record my meals on MyFitnessPal.  Given my past tendency to eat mindlessly, I think that logging foods will keep me accountable, and even when I splurge on wine or something special to eat, I will have evidence of my regular good choices, and will be less likely to "fall off the wagon" with a bad bout of eating too much of the wrong things
• I will keep the mental image of myself as a thinner person saying "no" when I want to grab one more stuffed mushroom or tortilla chip (didn't I agree to give chips up anyway??)  I admire my friends who can chat away without thinking about the food in front of them.  I have become one of those people now that I'm on Optifast.  I would love to continue to be able to do this when I resume eating, but it may be a struggle based on past experience.  At least I've proven to myself that I'm capable of making healthy choices and pushing back on my cravings - yay Optifast program!  
• Given the huge portion sizes served in the United States, I will count on only eating half of what is served to me in a restaurant and taking the rest home.  Some people ask the waiter for smaller portions when they order.  I don't know anyone who has actually tried this.  Have any of you ever done this?
• I've given a lot of thought to the way I'd like to eat when I return to food.  My verdict is that a diet low in simple carbohydrates will probably make me feel better and lead to fewer cravings.

A girl has to do something while she sits around sipping her tea!  Even though I dearly miss the social experience of eating, I'm still content with drinking shakes and watching my body shrink.  I have a long way to go, but hopefully when the time comes to eat, I will be stronger for having had this prolonged experience without eating solid food and observing and learning from the habits of the healthy.

Resistance

I haven't even started fasting yet, but I'm already struggling with resistance.  My only Optifast job this week is to log my meals. It's a familiar feeling for me -  I know what I'm suppose to do but just keep putting it off.  Then that feeling of dread is mixed with guilt.  It reminds me of the Switchfoot song that talks about the war between "how it is and how it should be" and "who you are and who you could be".
Why do I do it?  I wonder if I'm afraid to acknowledge and take ownership of my diet, or if I'm resisting for other reasons.  It is something I need to think about over the course of the next few months.  There is also the issue of integrating a new habit and discipline into my life.  It is almost a "before" and "after" maintenance challenge.  Hopefully when I'm through with the fast, I will have worked out this self-imposed obstacle.

Time to get focused and get caught up.  If I'm going to be successful, I need to jump all of these hurdles and stay on track without falling on my face.  Resistance is futile.  I want to push through it and not let it derail my goals and dreams.  I'm thinking about kayaking, cute clothes, lower cholesterol, more energy, outdoor fun, fitting comfortably into an airplane seat. Okay, now it is time to get off of this computer and face the music.

Cultivating the Soil - The Playlist

I feel like I've been cultivating the soil in anticipation of starting my Optifast program.  Tonight is the big night -- my first meeting with my group.  I get to meet the people I will go through this adventure with, and I'm sure we will get to know each other very well over the course of the next few months.  This is exciting!

When I joined the Y near my workplace and started working out every morning before work, I created an inspirational playlist on my iPhone that has really carried me and kept me on track.  It's not upbeat workout music, but rather more on the "music therapy" spectrum. When I listened to it on my way to the gym this morning, I wondered how the words of the songs might mean something different to me as I begin to confront my addictive eating and take on that challenge.  Here is the playlist in case it's of interest (I usually shuffle it):

• It's My Life - Bon Jovi
• Right Now - Van Halen
• Dare You to Move - Switchfoot 
• Star - Bryan Adams
• Working on a Dream - Bruce Springsteen
• The Rising - Bruce Springsteen
• Where the River Flows - Collective Soul
• True Colors - Cyndi Lauper
• The Age of Worry - John Mayer
• Learn How to Fall - Paul Simon
• Learned My Lessons - Jenny O.
• Shadow Days - John Mayer

I learned about the Switchfoot song when I Googled "Inspirational Playlists" and this is THE SONG that I think captures my journey the best.  I have no idea what else this group sings, but they nailed it with this one.

So this week I'll be recording my foods, drinking lots of water and basically getting ready for the fast that will follow in another week.  I'm scared, but ready.

Anticipation and worry...normal, right?

I've never blogged before, but after combing the web for personal experiences on Optifast, I decided that I would try and chronicle my Optifast adventure in hopes that I will find support, and even be able to offer support to others who embark on this adventure in the future.

On Thursday, Jaunary 2nd, 2014 I will attend my first support group meeting at Positive Choices in San Diego (through Kaiser Permanente).  My starting weight is 255 lbs. and I would like to lose about 115lbs to get to a weight that is in the healthy range for my height.  I've come to the decision to start Optifast out of a strong desire to live the second half of my life in a more fun and healthy way.  I'm middle aged and know that if I don't change things, some nasty health conditions might be on the horizon.  I'm tired of being uncomfortable in airplane seats, of worrying about the strength of chairs in public places.  I'd love to feel good at the beach and to engage in sports with my kids - wouldn't it be fun to be a surfing and kayaking mama?!  I envision more life in my years as the old saying goes.

I've also tried literally every diet out there.  Some have been successful (multiple times), and some were maddeningly slow and I eventually became discouraged and quit.  Some of you might be able to relate to this.  I thought my next step would surely be surgery, but after research and talking to some people, I've decided to postpone that decision and give Optifast a try first.  This is a pretty drastic step in an of itself.

Why Optifast.

Well, what gives me hope about this program is the intensive support and the collaboration with all of my doctors.  This is a very low calorie diet (VLCD), and requires monitoring weekly and blood work every two weeks.  There is also mandatory participation in weekly group support sessions.  These aren't the usual complaining-fests and discussions of ways to get around the diet.  It is my understanding that we will explore our addiction and examine our behaviors that lead to over-eating.  This is the aspect of the program that gives me the most hope, actually, and what I think makes this program a real contender to help me on a more permanent basis.

I'm nervous.

At this stage, a few days out, I'm nervous about whether I'll be able to live on 450 calories and still function as a mom and a professional.  On Optifast 70, I'll be drinking 5 shakes and that's it.  I'll also be allowed some broth twice a day.  Everything I've read online gives me hope that I won't be hungry on this diet phase, so I just need to have faith.  For the first week, I'll be eating regular food, but recording my food in a journal to go over with the dietitian. Then the following week I will begin the shakes.  After 20 weeks, if I haven't gotten within a few pounds of my goal (most likely) I will extend that phase and continue with the shakes until I get near my goal weight.  Then I transition back onto regular food for 6 weeks and then do maintenance for another 8 weeks.  So this is going to be an exciting, adventurous year for me!  I'm going to learn a lot, hopefully reprogram my brain a bit and develop new habits with a deeper understanding of why I overeat.

I'm very excited to start and am priming myself with visions of wearing cute clothes and being active and healthy with my family.  The unknown is scary for me, but I have to have faith.  I've told my family, closest friends and my closest co-worker, and have wonderful support from everyone, especially my sweet husband. It has been really touching to see all of them express their love and support.  I'm very lucky. Tomorrow, New Year's Eve, I'm going to clean out the house of unhealthy foods and start 2014 poised to make this journey a successful one.