Food for Thought and the "Screech to a Halt" Weight

I'm still working on and struggling with this transition back to food.  Even though I've never lost THIS much weight before (and I'm thrilled about it!), I've been yoyo-ing long enough to know how quickly weight comes back on relative to how long it takes to lose it.  I've traveled that road many times.  It is a terrible route to take and the scenery is ugly and unpleasant.

Last night I stepped on the scale before bedtime and it read 160 lbs.  This, my friends, is my "scream weight" or "screech to a halt" weight.  Whatever you want to call it, this is the weight that I said would be the red line that I never wanted to cross.  So, you might ask, "Christy, what the heck is happening?"

Here are the gory details.  For the past 3 weeks I thought I was smarter than my clinic, and unlike the thousands of clients who have gone through the program before me, the rules of transition didn't really apply to me.   I mean, avocados are healthy, and having a half of one on my daily salad can't be a bad thing.  It's a superfood.  Then there is the cheese.  It's dairy, right?  I can count it as a dairy if it's low fat- but 1 2/3 cups in one day? Not that portion.  Roasted pumpkin seeds -- not on the list, even if I do measure them out and count them on MyFitnessPal.  Then the Redi Whip that is in the fridge.  We use it to give my son some meds that he takes on a daily basis.  I was able to look past it all during the fast, but a few times recently I rationalized a few tablespoons.  Some foods are healthy and will eventually work their way back into my diet, but just not right now.  Some foods I'll have to evaluate and see if they can be kept around.

Then there was the Saturday afternoon at home watching a chick flick.  Hubby is out of town.  I went into my garage to get a Diet Coke.  A bag tipped over, and in it were leftover beach snacks from the birthday bonfire.  A box of Trader Joe's Ginger Snaps.  MMmm.  Nooooooooo!  Okay, maybe a couple.  That turned into 15 cookies, and yes, if you give a girl a cookie, she's gonna want a glass of milk, right?

I didn't give the full weight (pun intended) to my behavior until I ate the cookies last night.  I felt that old shame cycle starting to creep up again and knew that I needed to put a stop to it quickly.  First, I walked the cookies and cheese out to the dumpster.  Cheese has been calling out to me for a couple of months now, and I just can't have it around.    I would say that it's a "trigger" food and is something I crave without good willpower.  The mozzarella sticks don't seem to tempt me, just the cheddar and fancy stuff.  So I kept the sticks.

Then I laced up my shoes and enlisted a kid to come with me while I went on a walk/jog at the park.  That was what I needed.  My stomach felt full and almost bursting, but I told myself that I would just put on my bad ass music and walk.  It wasn't long before I took some jogging intervals, and then suddenly the obese Christy was fading away again, and the athletic Christy was stepping up to the plate.  I was feeling stronger and my head was feeling clearer.  I wasn't castigating myself in my mind over the food, but my mind was going to a very positive, strong place.

So which Christy is the one I'm going to feed and impart power?  I'm voting for bad ass running Christy.  I may have to throw out more food in the future, but I am not going back to out-of-breath, unhappy, embarrassed, pained, unhealthy Christy.  Bless her heart, she was trying her best to live, but it was really, really hard and NOT too much fun.  That woman is still there beneath the surface, her memory is still very fresh and her habits are, too.

I don't hate that person I used to be.  I understand the impulses that led to a lifetime of obesity, and I've learned to see them earlier in me now, and take notice and action.  I see that particular part of me as someone I want to keep dormant and as quiet as possible.  I understand that this is going to take time for me, and she may live within me always, even if I am able to silence her the majority of the time.

I know I posted this meme before, but it sure comes to mind today as I reflect on my transition to food.




So today I am back to making healthy, mindful choices.  I've had a few of these, and I'm pleased with each day I'm able to keep to my program.  It's not just a giant freak-out fest over here.  I'm just doing my best today, and I'll do my best tomorrow as well.  I think I'll have the most success with that if I honestly face my actions, talk about them, and then come up with new strategies.

I hope this blog doesn't begin to sound like a broken record every time I come here and process my food behaviors.  If it does, I'm sorry.  I may have to put a disclaimer up at the top.

Warning:  Rehashing the same familiar food behaviors, and trying like crazy to get better.

Edit (9/15):  Today there was an excellent post on Fit to the Finish about Scale Creep.  It provides encouragement to take action when the numbers creep up.  

Week 26 Weigh-In: Just Keep Turning the Page

176.5 lbs.

Sometimes the universe provides!  In my Optifast group tonight we talked about moving past our negative choices.  It was comforting to hear (re-hear) this lesson about having more (self) compassion when I choose a path that isn't aligned with my health goals.  I consider this to be a very important issue for me, personally.  In my past attempts to lose weight, I would lose a few pounds, fall off the wagon, and then rationalize a delay in re-starting my program.  By the time "Monday" would roll around I would have several days off the wagon and a whole pile of guilt.   At that point, it would be extremely difficult for me to get back to the healthy eating program.  This is the wonderful thing about attending a support group.  You have a safe place to discuss your challenges among people who can relate and offer insights.



I'm happy that after my last transgression I was able to return to my eating plan and move on.  I think that the reason I'm nervous about those off-program choices I made is because in my mind I don't trust myself yet.  Despite 23 weeks of following Optifast perfectly, I look at my recent bites and immediately forget how strong I am, as evidenced by my ability to lose over 80 pounds so far.  I now see this as absurd thinking.  It isn't that I'm suddenly a bad person because I made a mistake.  I am strong to have gotten this far and I am able to begin again and keep moving towards my goals.

Speaking of goals, I've been enjoying my evening walks and goal to complete at least one mile per day (I'm almost at a two mile mark during the time that my son is in karate class). It's wonderful to to feel physically stronger and more athletic, and it has taken my mind off of food.  It's a stress buster too.

On the family front, we are doing well with our business, and my hubby has a conference call with another company next week.  I'm keeping my fingers crossed for him because it is a direction in his career that he would be excited to pursue.  It would be great for our family as well.  I'm keeping hopeful and positive.

Week 25 Weigh In - Focus and Goals

179 lbs.

Another week of Optifast down, and God only knows how many more to go :-)  I'm not complaining, I'm committed to the ride, and I'm so thankful for this journey.  But the experience is different now.  In the earlier weeks it was easier to stay focused.  I had more milestones to look forward to and accomplish.  I'm starting to tick them off of the milestone chart now and the list is happily getting shorter.  But some of the biggies are still left to accomplish!  Despite this, though, I realize that I need to find something more to focus on, instead of the day that I can start eating again, and I think the next logical step would be for me to rededicate myself to establishing an exercise routine.  Today in our Optifast class we were visited by an exercise physiologist who talked about the importance of resistance training/weight lifting.  I admit that I've been avoiding this because I'm pretty naturally muscular and am able to build muscle easily.  I didn't want to stall my weight loss since this is my primary focus.  The exercise physiologist changed my mind, though.  I realize that now that I'm in the home stretch, I should start to not only tone my muscles, but more importantly, incorporate weight lifting into my routine.

I haven't fully reestablished my exercise routine since I left my job at the end of May.  Summer kicked in, the kids are home from school, I'm at home for the first time in close to 10 years, and I've started working more on a side business (due to my husband's impending exit from his job).  There is a steep learning curve with this as well.  I'm spending more time on the computer.  And I confess that it's not all business -- I enjoy checking MyFitnessPal, and reading and discovering new fitness blogs. The time suck happens in a blink of an eye.

These are excuses, and I completely realize that I have time to work out.  This is how unexpected life changes (and the resulting paralysis, stress or depression), if I let them suck all of my attention, take over and distract me from my health goals.  I've done this countless times.  Starting a new job, having a baby, moving, injuries, kids activities...the list goes on... and will continue to go on for the rest of my life.  I think this is a good time to stop and recognize what is happening and learn how to deal with change, and prioritize my health and wellness.  This is why I'm treating this experience as so much more than a "diet".  If I want to make this wonderful progress last, I need to stay vigilant and disciplined and focused on my new healthy priorities.  The rest of my life needs to accommodate THOSE things.  Not the other way around.

It all comes down to why I started in the first place.  I want to have more fun and more joy in my life, and being healthy is the only way for me to achieve this (especially the kind of fun I'm thinking of!).   I think now is the prefect time to re-post my vision board and remember why I'm seeking this change.


I hope you all are staying strong and feeling good.  If you're not, keep going anyway and don't give up. We're in this thing together.

Week 24 Weigh-In: Overcoming Obstacles and Getting Stronger

182 lbs. - 75 pounds down!!

I am happy for a loss this week and pleased with my decision and actions to stay on course after I had a few bites.  I was able to pull myself together the last couple of days and stay true blue on my program.  I do feel a shift happening in my awareness about my eating habits and I am willing to fight for this new path in a way that I never fought before in previous attempts.

There was an interesting blog post on Mark's Daily Apple entitled Do You Really Believe You Can Change?  I found it to be very timely and thought-provoking, so if you have the chance, it's worth reading.    It was largely about the concept of self-efficacy in changing health behaviors (as defined by psychologist Albert Bandura).  Basically (and you should read this for yourself), it comes down to our belief in our ability to be successful.  Believing that we can do it.  Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. said "If you believe you can achieve."  This concept resonated with me.  I'm finding it to be true as I strive to challenge my old ways of thinking and enjoy the results of my new commitment to getting healthy.  It's not to say that I don't stumble, but I've come to realize that this is an important part of the learning process.  If I didn't feel challenged and pulled off track, and if I didn't overcome stumbles, then how would I ever develop the resolve, skills and self confidence to make healthy choices a natural part of my life?  I'm starting to realize that this is par for the course!  I am going to try and make these slips fewer and far between, but I will learn to analyze them and get back to it.   I can't fall into an "all or nothing" approach to weight loss.  This hasn't worked in the past.

I'll mention another very helpful blog post from the same website called Mastering the Art of Self-Negotiation which goes hand in hand with the above post.  There are a million ways to rationalize behaviors that aren't in alignment with our health goals.  If we can catch ourselves entertaining those thoughts, then let them float by without giving them time and attention, we can prevent them from taking hold and turning into actions that we will regret later.  We are just making excuses, and there are NO valid excuses for getting off track.

I am so thankful for the many bloggers who share their thoughts and who have inspired me to keep going on my own path.  Reading blogs has been a major source of knowledge and inspiration and I've made it a daily practice to check in with them and get great insights and advice.  The more I read on a daily basis, the stronger I become, because I'm making this journey a very conscious process.

This is such a humbling experience isn't it?  We are smacked down and faced with our shadow side, but we also experience our light and strength which gives us new hope.

A Chink In My Armour

I'm almost 25 weeks into my fast, and I have to confess that I couldn't stay completely strong.  Here's the deal.  I've been thinking about food (a lot.)  Thinking about my life after the fast (a lot).  My life has been stressful, and old currents are pushing up against me.  I didn't binge or anything, but I started tasting my kids' food as I cook. I've done this a couple of times -- a zucchini slice here, a morsel of taco meat there.  I don't think this is earth-shattering or anything, but I see it as a sign of a familiar slippery slope that I need to push back on and investigate.

Regardless of how "on program" I've been in the past.  Here and now, I'm making choices that aren't "on program".  It reminds me of all of my past attempts at dieting.  It starts with a rationalization, and I can hear my voice saying "I've been so good, and this one time won't hurt.  It looks SO delicious!"  I have to ask myself now if those rationalizations got me to my goal or derailed me.  They derailed me for sure, because I didn't stop and analyze them and their cumulative impact on my future health.  It's not about the amount of food, but it's about the pattern of behavior.

Since I'm farther ahead in my weight loss than I've been in recent memory, am I afraid of weight loss success?  I'm noticing more looks and a slight difference in how people interact with me, and I have to ask myself if this is something that is upsetting me on some level.  Those thoughts have crossed my mind.  Am I unconsciously sabotaging my efforts?  Maybe on all of it, or maybe this is an experience and lesson that I need to learn from.  Since my weight has been an issue almost all of my life, there are some challenges and crossroads that keep emerging, and I think this is one of those opportunities.  I need to make different choices to bring on a different result, and I need to have an honest conversation with myself about my goals.

I feel like as I get to be a more "normal" size, my focus is wavering.  But truth is, I'm still at least 35 pounds from my goal.  So close yet so far away.  And once I get to my goal weight, there will be the challenge of maintaining.  It's not the size of the transgression, it's about the action.  As I face these daily choices, my goal is to choose the option that supports my health and well being.  I don't want to feel like that decision is earth-shattering every time it presents itself.  I would love for that choice to come naturally, without ominous music playing in the background.  Perhaps that will take some time, so I'd better just accept the ominous music and "what will she do next?" plot twist for now.  With practice, maybe it will smooth out.  It is what it is.

So far today has gone well.  Cooking seems to be my downfall lately, so maybe today I'll take a break from it and try and regroup.  Walk away from the temptation without falling.  I think just by writing about this experience, I'm feeling better.  My hope for this blog is to chronicle my weight loss experience in all of it's ups and downs.  This is one of those challenging times.