Facing the Music is Always Good

I want to do a quick check-in after my "turn-around day" yesterday.  It was a great day and I want to share what I learned.

Last night I did my personal "walk of shame" and headed to the center for a Booster meeting.  I listened to my original music playlist, which immediately put my mind in a humble and open place around my weight.  The weigh in was brutal for me (late in the evening, you do the math) but since I had made peace with the increase, I didn't let it get to me.  I felt proud of myself for facing the music.

I was pleasantly surprised by a very meaningful and helpful meeting.  There were just two of us and the leader so we were really able to get to the heart of our anxiety and struggles around eating and maintaining.  The focus of the group was "Simplicity" and we talked about what that word means to us.  She shared the idea of viewing food as a "less is more" proposition, and encouraged us to focus on making beautiful, high quality, healthy choices, displayed creatively.

One of my take aways from the evening was the sense of how important my attitude is in this whole process.  If I am thankful and happy with the beautiful nourishing food before me, then I tend to be satisfied.  I know this about myself, and when I'm in a positive frame of mind about what I'm doing (with anything in life) I am more successful.

When I was on the full fast (treatment phase of this program), I viewed the shakes as a tool to keep me alive and to treat the symptoms of my obesity.  For the longest time, I stayed very true to the program with that positive focus, and it worked very well for me.  When I started thinking about what I was missing, I strayed towards the end.

My personal challenge with this new lifestyle is to keep a positive and thankful view of food.  It is neither the enemy, nor my savior.  It is nourishment, and can be a pleasant experience if I plan it that way.

Interestingly, after my instructor listened to my story and concerns, she picked up right away on how helpful it would be for me to plan out my meals ahead of time.  I know this is a common tool, but she expressed the suggestion as more of a way to plan for good things to eat, even nights out.  Make it a creative, and pleasant experience, and something to look forward to.

So my strategy will be to pre-plan with MyFitnessPal and do this with a positive outlook and look forward to the meals that I have planned.  This worked like a charm yesterday, but today I will do it with a smile on my face, and a grateful heart.

The moral of the story is that good things can happen when I put aside my self-imposed fear and shame and open myself up for help.  Weight is just a number, but ultimately I'm here to learn how to balance food and activity to support a healthy life and weight.  This is the life that I want for my future, so I'm going to keep positively focused on living it each day.

Week 23 Weigh-In

183.5 lbs

I'm just going to do a quick check-in.  I was very happy with the loss this week, since I had to face temptation to eat during the stress.   It's nice when you get rewarded for making the right choices.  That doesn't always happen, of course.  I'm on program every week, and one week I will have a 1 pound loss and another will be 2.5 pounds.  I even lost zero pounds once.  Go figure.  Anyway, I'm really thrilled!  I'm closing in on the 75 pound milestone, and I'm finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.  I'm thinking of starting my Progressive Food Encounters (PFE's) at about 155 lbs.

Speaking of milestones, since summer is here, I wore a sleeveless sun dress for most of the day.  My arms aren't pretty, and they do show signs of loose skin, but most of the time it doesn't look too bad, and it's a great feeling to let my skin breathe.

Tomorrow I head out of town and will be packing my shake packets and shaker bottles.  Since I'll be by myself, there shouldn't be any problems with temptations.  I love setting my phone alarm to remind me to drink.

I enjoyed my group tonight.  Even though I've gone through today's exercise before, I'm learning a lot from the new group members and their insights.  We talked about ways to cope with stress, so it was very relevant to my current situation.  The class reminded me to take some time out for brief meditation.  It doesn't take a long time to reach a relaxed state.  I'll need to try and incorporate this more into my daily routine.  Good night!

Practicing Peace in Times of War

I just read this wonderful quote by Pema Chodron, taken from her book Practicing Peace in Times of War and quoted from the Shambhala Blog)

When you’re like a keg of dynamite just about to go off, patience means just slowing down at that point—just pausing—instead of immediately acting on your usual, habitual response. You refrain from acting, you stop talking to yourself, and then you connect with the soft spot. But at the same time you are completely and totally honest with yourself about what you are feeling. You’re not suppressing anything; patience has nothing to do with suppression. In fact, it has everything to do with a gentle, honest relationship with yourself. If you wait and don’t fuel the rage with your thoughts, you can be very honest about the fact that you long for revenge; nevertheless you keep interrupting the torturous story line and stay with the underlying vulnerability. That frustration, that uneasiness and vulnerability, is nothing solid. And yet it is painful to experience. Still, just wait and be patient with your anguish and with the discomfort of it. This means relaxing with that restless, hot energy—knowing that it’s the only way to find peace for ourselves or the world.

This mindfulness practice has been very helpful to me as I work through the uncertainties of my life, and the stresses caused by sudden change.  I won't lie to you - I've been drawn to food.  I've felt like I was moving against a familiar and dangerous current trying to sweep me away.  My old unhealthy coping strategies are pushing against the new direction and momentum I've developed these past few months.  This has been a good test.  I'm choosing to feel the feelings, talk about them and write about them, and I can't believe that it's helping.  I'm strong enough to move through the current and get to safety.

Life isn't all rage and anguish.  We're figuring things out and some of it is very exciting.  And I still have the daily pleasures of a kind husband, sweet kids, a growing garden, a smaller/healthier body, my first private practice client, and the peacefulness of walking during a pale pink sunset.

I don't take those good things for granted.

I hope you all are doing well on your own healthy adventures, and I wish you the very best.

Page One of a New Chapter

Today is my first official day as a self-employed person!  I left my job so that I could pursue my own private practice and have a more flexible schedule to accommodate my family and just feel less stressed.  I don't think that it has hit me yet, but I'm sure I'll get used to this pretty quickly!

Last summer I joined the YMCA near my work, and arranged my schedule to leave the house every morning at 5:30am, drive the 40 minutes to the gym (without the stress of rush hour!) and work out before work.  There is a water aerobics class at 6:20am so this was perfect timing and the perfect exercise for my low calorie intake.  It was a win-win situation on all levels.  I really noticed that exercise helped me cope with my job pressures, and I no longer had to sit in traffic and worry about arriving to work on time.  It was wonderful!  When I gave my notice in January, one of  my immediate concerns was getting out of my newly-established exercise routine.  I immediately got online and looked up gyms near my home, and specifically, near my oldest son's high school.  I learned that my local YMCA has water aerobics as well as Restorative Yoga at just the perfect time after I drop the last kid off at school.

I've envisioned this plan for the last 5 months, and today I put it into practice.  I dropped my son off, then headed to the Y.  I would be the "new kid" again, emphasis on the kid, since I'm usually the youngest person in these classes.  I tried deep water aerobics today and LOVED IT!!  There is something wonderful about exercising in the water, and especially in deep water with a flotation belt.  The ladies are sassy, the music was tuned in to a radio station that I listen to all the time, so it was '80's all the way through.  I feel like I'm off to a good start in this transition, but I'll have to keep it up so that it get's established.  I have been slacking off exercise for the last 2 weeks, so getting back to it felt really urgent to me.  I could feel myself slipping back to a place that I didn't want to go.  I feel very aware that my diet and exercise require vigilance and commitment if I'm going to make a real lifestyle change.  I'm still a "noob" as my son would say, when it comes to this weight loss and switch to a healthier life.

That's my story for now.   My youngest son smiled at me this morning and said "now you get to be in the garden all day!"  He knows that this is my happiest place.  I've got a cucumber and a zucchini to pick, and some housework to do, but I'm going to take some time to breathe today, and embrace this new direction for my life.  I am very, very thankful.

Week 20 Weigh-In: "Red Flag" Behavior and Deciding to Stop It

193 lbs

This has been a very stressful week for me, and I've really been faced with my demons.  We have been dealing with an unbelievable number of fires in my community, and even as I type this, my house is on the edge of an evacuation zone and we have the car packed in case we need to leave fast.  All week the weather has been hot, dry and windy -- the worst possible scenario for fires.  This isn't my first experience with fire (they are common here), but last time there was a major fire event, we lost our home.  So I was faced with a range of emotions -- the rational side of me didn't want to freak out or over-react as I'm trying to stay calm for my kids.  However inside, I feel extremely anxious, churned up and hyper vigilant.  Yesterday, when 9 fires broke out across the city, I did something that was instantly recognizable as a "red flag" behavior (bad pun, I know).  I walked to the fridge and opened it.  Simple as that.  I was instantly aware that I was doing this because in that moment I was feeling anxious, helpless and overwhelmed.  I surprised myself when a stronger feeling of dedication to my weight loss prevailed.  I talked myself out of eating in that moment.  I knew this was a destructive behavior that, unless curtailed, would get in the way of weight loss, future weight maintenance, and the life that I want to lead with a leaner body.

In addition to these fires, I'm also experiencing stress at work.  My departure coincided with a reorganization, and this is causing some stress among my staff.  I know that I didn't cause it - they would have reorganized if I had stayed, but because I'm on my way out it makes me feel sad that I can't advocate for them.  Power playing is taking place, and some micro-managing and controlling personalities have moved in during this transition.  I wasn't involved or consulted in the decision making -- in fact they stepped in with the new supervisory measures today while I was home with my kids, who had school cancellations.  I feel sad for my staff, and all I could do during texts and phone calls today was to be as encouraging as possible.

As I write this, I think I'm seeing a pattern.  In the face of personal stress and emotion, I have stifled my feelings in order to help others feel better.  I'm not sure that's a bad thing all the time (cooler heads must prevail sometimes), but this time I'm getting my feelings out by writing about them in this blog and acknowledging them.

Life happens, no doubt about it.  I'm going to have struggles with my family, random natural disasters, loss, hormone spikes (haha), and stress.  Whatever.  I just need to keep swimming and be aware of my feelings.  If my core desire is to be healthy, I'm going to try very very hard to recall that vision for myself in those moments that I want to feed my feelings instead of getting them out. Maybe all those times I was looking to feed them, all I really needed to do was to bring them out and pay attention to them.   I may not succeed 100% of the time with this.  The real test will be to see how I manage to get back on the right path immediately following the unhealthy behavior.

I'll take this recent test as a good first step toward self-awareness.

Week 18 Weigh-In - Onederland!

199 lbs - Officially under 200!

I think it's ironic that I spent a good part of the week thinking about eating, because we talked about that during our Optifast class today.  It looks like the next stage - transition - will be low carb, higher protein/veggies.  Concern over leaving ketosis has been a strong driver in keeping me true to my diet.  I will try to transfer this motivator over to my maintenance eating plan.  I really don't want to revisit the cravings and hunger that I was living with before the fast - though I'm sure I will need to.  I'm still going to consider a low carb/high fat diet, but if I'm satisfied on the eating plan outlined at my clinic, then I'll just keep it up.

Life is getting pretty emotional at work.  I'm working like crazy to prepare the way for whoever takes my place when I leave, while also helping students find jobs after college.  One of my biggest challenges is cleaning up and organizing my computer files so that the next person can find what they need, and access archival material easily.  I also confess that I don't want to show them how disorganized I have always been!  I'm compiling a guide explaining what I do and when I do it, and who to contact for things.  I've done this for every job I've left, and I know it's a nice thing to provide for the new person.

It has been very touching to hear the kind words from students and colleagues, when they drop by to acknowledge my leaving.   It has been a rewarding career for me, and in my time in this position, I've met some wonderful people.  I will miss them!  My last day will be May 23rd, and after that, it's on to a new adventure that isn't quite clear to me, but will hopefully be more conducive to a healthier life.  I'm going to have this new emerging body, and sense of self.  I'm excited!

Week 12 Weigh-In: Mind and Body

214.5

In this week's Optifast meeting we talked about stress, and examining the intersection of what we can and can't control, and how we feel when we either choose to take action or avoid action for each of those cases.  When I think about those scenarios, I can identify two particular approaches to problems that have led to stress and overeating/binge eating in my life.

The first problem I've had is with being too passive/apathetic.  In my 24 year marriage, my husband and I have faced some significant life challenges -- many cross-country moves, job changes, illness and death of parents, financial concerns, house burning down, challenges of raising kids.  I think we have worked excellently together through those bumps, but sometimes I have felt like I compromised with my opinions and choices too easily -- I'm always trying to stay positive in the face of challenges.  Although this is part of a normal, healthy relationship, and is to be expected, my own personal way of coping with my apathy or silence is to eat and stuff those feelings down.  I'm not going to psychoanalyze myself in a blog, but I'm sure there are family and  childhood issues that contribute to this.  But as I have become more aware of doing this, I am going to try and push back a bit more and make my case, and I'm also going to allow myself to acknowledge my sadness, frustration, anger and fear.  Even if we come to the same decision on a matter, or it doesn't go my way, I wonder if by going the extra mile to express my ideas and feelings it will make me feel less stressed and less inclined to use food to numb myself  and my negative feelings.

The second problem/habit I have is procrastination/disorganization.  Maybe this is in the same family as apathy, but the result is that I feel tremendous guilt and anxiety.  I've been working hard on this and making some progress -- I'm taking control of my weight, I'm cleaning pockets of clutter in the house (including the garage last weekend!).  So I'm a work in progress here, but it's something that I'm going to consciously work on.

It feels wonderful to be taking this time in my life to look at my weight problem very holistically - mind and body, and how they affect each other.

Week 10 Weigh In: Holding Steady

223 lbs.

I have been underground this week handling a few crazy life challenges that have popped up.  My husband has been traveling a lot, and this week's trip coincided with a busy time at my work and some busy events with my kids - requiring me to do some frenetic juggling to meet all of my obligations.  Any working parent out there will be able to relate to these cycles of chaos.  Heck we all have those times in our own ways.  I also received word that my Uncle died, so I'll be flying out to Kansas City this weekend for the funeral.  All day between work, soccer games, and my Optifast meeting I was receiving texts from my siblings, trying to coordinate flights (we all live in the West).  My husband has been a wonderful help with all of this coordination (especially while I was away for 3 hours at my meeting tonight).  So I was thinking tonight that weeks like these would have triggered massive amounts of stress eating if I weren't currently on a strict program.  Thank goodness for that.

Although I found it difficult to fully focus during my meeting tonight, it was a pretty good one and gave me something to think about.  We discussed our public "mask" vs. our private inner-life.  I may project a confident, positive, professional and happy person on the outside, but when I'm in private, I feel the stress of my life, suffer from disorganization, feel rushed and often inadequate.  Feeling stressed and rushed has often been the trigger for my overeating, and I indulge in it while in private or in my home.  So which is the real me?  Maybe both?  I left the meeting feeling like it is possible to let the two sides of my persona interact with one another and maybe strengthen my ability to manage my life and emotions, and make a healthy decision not to eat when I am hyped up on stress.  After all, the one thing I AM able to control is my eating, and I can learn to feel confident in my ability to stave off that impulse.  I can perhaps come home feeling more positive that I can tackle that pile of school papers and find that permission slip that got buried.  Maybe even take a few minutes to think of a better system of organizing those things when they come into the house.

In my outside "got it under control" persona, maybe I can learn to make better choices that will lessen the stress an disorganization that trickles down into my private life.  I'm starting to do that more, I must admit, and have taken more vacation time to do ordinary things and just rest.  But I'm sure there are better logistical decisions I can make that will also help and I'll need to keep working on that.  I need to keep practicing this type of self care.

Maybe some of you in the Kaiser Optifast program have some better examples, so feel free to share them in the comments section.

Back to my weekend plans, I will get to test my mettle for staying on the program while traveling.  I'll pack my blender bottle, powder, water bottle and my favorite tea.  I'm going to set my phone alarm to remind me to drink.  My main focus will be to stick to my eating program.  Wish me luck.

Week 6 Weigh-In

234.5 lbs

Now that I'm pretty much on auto-pilot with my Optifast shakes, my anxiety about life after the safe cocoon of fixed meals is starting to emerge in my thoughts and dreams.  Last night I had a strange problem-solving dream.  I was at a family gathering, sitting around a backyard table, with a basket of tortilla chips and bowl of guacamole in front of me.  I was thinking about how I have always had a hard time controlling myself with chips.  I just never developed an "off " button. What was I going to do now that I've worked so hard to lose this weight?  I remember telling myself that at future gatherings I will need to bring a veggie tray to put in front of me, if there isn't one out already.  Anticipating these scenarios is getting to me.

Coincidentally, my group tonight had us write down 3 parts of our life that we love, and 3 parts of our life that we don't love.  Then we marked whether these had a positive or negative influence on our weight.  The exercise was meant to get us thinking of small changes that we can make to help us cope with challenges to our weight management.  It was helpful.  With my dream in mind, I thought about taking charge and planning to bring foods that are healthy to gatherings.  Another intervention is to become more organized around the house.  I get stressed when piles develop and when I miss events or assignments for my children due to my disorganization.  It makes me feel guilty and fills me with anxiety, and I eat.  If I put my mind to it, I know I can develop a system of organizing these important papers and then I don't have to be facing this anxiety.  I can take charge of this, and when I do, I'll let you know.

I also know that I didn't become obese just from social gatherings.  My next challenge will be to figure out a motivation so strong that I'll be able to keep my daily portions and food choices under control.  Planning to pack healthy lunches with me, and snacking every three hours.  Right now it's just a dream and hope to me because I'm in the middle of the fast.  I'm just going to have to trust that with enough time and thought, my mind will re-set and I'll be able to approach eating with a new sense of calm and confidence.

On another note, I am LOVING that I can wear smaller sizes now.  This week I was able to fit into two pairs of pants and a very pretty sweater that I couldn't wear before.  I loved it and felt so attractive!  All of this, in addition to being 23 lbs lighter, is excellent motivation for keeping on the path!  

Setting Myself Up For Success Means Making New Choices

I made a pretty big decision over the weekend, and it goes along with my goal of making healthy choices to achieve good health and well being.

It all started when I began a new workout routine before work.  This was 6 months ago.  Now I may seem like a mild-mannered university administrator, but my job involves event planning, individual counseling sessions with hundreds of students, presentations to large and small groups, and maneuvering and surfing the politics and pettiness that exist in every workplace, mine included.  I built my department, and it has turned out to be very strategically important for the school.  My bosses have been very appreciative of my work, and it felt great.  So I have been given more and more responsibility, and very little additional personnel to help. We run on a shoe string. I have been so thankful that I started working out, because it has helped me manage the physical and mental ramifications of my work stress.  That was BIG LESSON #1  and an ah-ha moment.

When I decided to make a serious commitment to my weight loss and health in November, I felt a shift occur inside my mind.  No longer was I willing to sacrifice my health and time with my family in order to keep growing my department at work.  I began to scale back my operation a little bit and really look at the things that are most stressful and try and figure out different ways of approaching the task.  I think this has been a great learning experience  -- slowly shifting my priorities so that I can achieve not only wellness but well being.  I'm beginning to understand that even small changes can make a big difference.  BIG LESSON #2.

I also scheduled some vacation time little by little each month.  Instead of charging through the worst of it without taking a break for months, I put in for one or two days per month until the end of the semester.  My anniversary, the days my kids have off of school (that was always stressing me out to find care for them), my birthday.  Addressing those things that give me stress, while also taking some time to recharge.  It isn't my employer's fault that I haven't been doing that - it's mine.  It's my choice to try and make my life happier on a more regular basis.  BIG LESSON #3.

So back to my big decision.  I've decided to leave my job at the end of the term.  We can financially swing for me to have some time to regroup and see what my next adventure is.  I have a couple of business ideas that I can develop, or the universe may open some doors, now that my eyes and heart are also open.

I know that everyone encounters workplace stress, and that it's tough to be a working parent.  I have the world's best husband who has given more than his share of time to help keep this family running.  We are a good team.  But perhaps I can find an opportunity closer to home (instead of 40 minutes away).  It's the little things that add up and if I can reduce a few, I know I will be healthier for it.  I've already scoped out a Y near my son's school so that I can continue my morning exercise routine.

As a career counselor, I've broken a few rules here.  You're never supposed to quit a job unless you have another one.  Well, it's okay.  At least I know how to look for a job  or maybe even create one for myself.  Thanks for listening.