Completing My First Half Marathon

170 lbs.

Last weekend I completed my first half marathon!  It was a wonderful experience from beginning to end.  Starting off, I got to meet three great women, two of whom I only knew through a blog, or Facebook.  That was really neat.

When I began my weight loss adventure a year ago, I kept pretty quiet with my close circle of friends, and I didn't speak at all about it publicly on Facebook.  After years of trying, it seemed too risky, or I felt like it might be be a pathway to self-sabotage.  Instead, I started this blog, and discovered a world of bloggers who either had gone through, or were currently going through the same experience, sometimes with the same program.  Each day I would check their blogs for the latest news on their progress and experiences.  It was very motivating and inspiring.  These people, along with my Optifast classmates became my primary support system.  I'm living proof that that you can gain a tremendous amount of support from friends you only know online.

Fast forward to one year later, and after commenting on each other's blogs and joining shared Facebook groups, I got to actually meet two wonderful people -- Optifastmom aka Martha, and Jarmila, of the Facebook group From Fat to Finish Line and Optifast Maintenance.  I also met up with Jarmila's friend Peggy, a running veteran. What a cool experience to meet them in person, and put a voice to the picture!

Jarmila and Martha lost weight through Optifast, but they are also kick-ass runners who have logged several races, several half marathons, and in the case of Jarmila, one marathon.  I couldn't ask for better companions and coaches as I prepared for my first half marathon.  It was through reading OptifastMom that I first got the idea to try and jog a little bit during my exercise walks.  Jarmila was also so sweet and kind, offering encouragement and positive energy for this experience.

Martha, me and Jarmila at the Expo to pick up bibs.

Peggy (Jarmila's friend), Jarmila, Martha and me at lunch before the Expo.  Our first meeting!

I'm thrilled to call these wonderful ladies my friends -- no long virtual friends.  We will continue to be there to motivate and encourage one another, and share ideas.  All of us are battling weight maintenance, and it is great to know that I'm not alone in my struggles to keep the weight off.  This is a normal part of life now.

Here are more pictures of race day.

I arrived bright and early, just me and a few assorted workers.  All is quiet. I am wearing one of my favorite sweaters from my overweight days.  I will symbolically shed it during the race.  The clothing is donated to a local charity.

Me, Peggy and Jarmila before the race, at our corral.  Ready to Rock 'n' Roll.

Martha took this pic of me running across the finish line.  I got a second wind at the end and was able to run the last half mile or so.  I completed the race in 3:03 -- ahead of my goal.  It felt great!

Caught up with Martha and posed with our bling.

Post-race beer selfie!

One last photo with my medal, before getting cleaned up!

Diet and Maintenance Musings

Well, I took carb-loading to a new level before and right after the race.  Beans, pita chips, pancakes, banana bread, bagels, enchiladas, margaritas, wine... you get the picture.

It was fun while it lasted, and I admit that it's hard to get back on the wagon after indulging in the foods that I have mostly avoided for so long (wine excluded!).  But here I am, my weight is up, and I have no more excuses to eat.  I'm back to normal running distances, and I also began a weight lifting program at my new gym.  My goal is to build muscle to help build my metabolism.  I'm also going to work very hard to keep to my 1400 calorie limit, and not eat back exercise calories.

It feels good to begin again.  I also know that I'm not alone in my struggles.  I'm reading lots and lots of blogs and Facebook posts from people who are in exactly the same boat and working their way back to better eating and a healthier weight.

I'm taking it one meal and snack at a time.  One decision at a time.  I may not be 100% right now, but my mind and heart are in the game, and I'll take that as a positive sign.

Of course my mind is thinking about all of the special gatherings I have ahead of me.  I'm subbing for a fun Bunco group tonight, and will have to pass on the M&Ms and snacks.  I am having a special gathering with some friends this weekend, and alcohol will be served.  My goal is to have one drink and then pop open the sparkling water.

Valentine's Day, my 25th wedding anniversary, Passover Seder, Easter (we celebrate both), my birthday...etc.  That is only through April.  I was thinking about all of these events, because I've noticed that my life seems to be packed with them all of the time.  I'm very, very lucky to have so many wonderful people and events in my life.  I just have to reframe them differently.  They don't have to be occasions to eat and drink poorly.  When I was on Optifast, I managed them.  It's time for me to really develop a strategy around life events now that I'm eating food.  It will require me to feel so strongly about my health, that I'm willing to pass on opportunities to eat and drink alcohol, or limit the exposure to one day.  Balance.  That is what I'm striving for.  I can and I will.

I'll leave you with a great blog post that I read at The Weight Loss Counter Revolution.  Falling Off the Wagon is a great read!  It's all part of the journey, and we aren't going to be 100% perfect.  It's a good one.

2014 End of Year Wrap-Up

167 lbs.  (Head hanging low - but keeping perspective - what a year!)

What A Difference A Year Makes

Today I went in for my post-Optifast body assessment.  I weighed in and started out very disappointed in my weight gain (14 lbs. since stopping the full fast), but my mood changed considerably as I reviewed the year with my counselor.

Here is how much things have changed since 12/17/13, when I had my initial body assessment:

                            12/17/13     12/23/14
Upper Arms:          16"              11.5"
Chest:                     46.5"           37.5"
Waist:                     46.5"           34.75"
Hips:                       55"              42.5"
BMI:                       45                29
Body Fat%            No Tst.          34.8%


Here are my pre and post Optifast body assessment photos;

It's very motivating for me to see this right now.  Looking at the two photos, taken in the same room exactly one year apart, really gives me the fire to keep going on this journey.  I have about 15-20 pounds to lose, and most importantly, I need to learn to bounce back from special occasion eating and weight gain.  I'm a work in progress for sure, and I'll continue to reach out for help and do what it takes to stay healthy and live joyfully.

Here I am at the beginning of 2013

In 2013 I was tired and felt hopeless about my chances for getting healthy.  I traveled a lot, very uncomfortably.  That year I went to several countries in Europe and Asia and across the US for both work and pleasure.  It was a great adventure and I wished that I could have have felt like I do now!  But I can't focus on the past.  I just have to look forward to more memories with a healthier me.

Hello, new fancier, sportier me!

I'm back on track today with my eating, and I'm going to resist going into a shame spiral about my recent holiday splurges.  Today I'm going to have a beautiful, long run.  Here are some shots of a nice morning run that I had over the weekend.

This is a lovely trail near my home.  The pic on the right is of a herd of grazing deer. 

It has been an amazing year, and I couldn't have done it without the support of family, friends and virtual friends.  Thank you for your continued support.   I'm off on a cruise starting Friday, so I'll be out of communication for a couple of weeks.  I'm going to try to eat protein and veggies 90% of the time, with a couple of indulgences along the way.  I'll be walking, snorkeling and hiking, and of course, running on the shipboard treadmill to stay on track for the half marathon!

Here's to a Happy and Healthy 2015!

Looking Ahead On Weight and Fitness

I have gotten swept up in the end of the year chaos and holiday events, so I wanted to just touch base on my health happenings.

I'm still seeking balance with my weight.  I find myself eating back my exercise calories so I'm glad that I lowered my overall calorie goal.  Unfortunately, I'm not seeing the scale go down any farther.  That tells me something right there, so I will really try and regain my diet discipline.   Today is a new day!  I'm going to weigh and measure more, to achieve accuracy.

I wasn't able to get in to have my RMR checked before Thanksgiving, but I'm going to call today and try to get it scheduled in the next few days.  It will give me more data that will help me set my calorie goals in MyFitnessPal.  It is another piece of the maintenance mystery.

I'm pushing myself farther and steeper on my hikes, and I've stepped up my running frequency to almost daily.  I find myself taking about 1 day off per week.  I never thought I'd find myself wanting to jog in the rain, but it happened a couple of days ago.  It was a misty rain, so it felt peaceful, and I wasn't soaked through to the bone or anything.  Maybe this is the mythical runners high, but I do feel uplifted when I start and finish my jog/walks (that pesky middle part isn't too bad, until it's bad - LOL).  As of now, I run twice as far as a walk.  I either time myself or use visual markers, so it's nothing too scientific, yet, but I have an app, and I'm tracking my pace.  It would be nice to work up to 3min/1min intervals.

Yesterday I signed up to run the Rock 'n Roll Half Marathon in Phoenix, which will be in January.  I'm super excited that I'll get to meet up with Martha (aka OptifastMom) on the day that we pick up our bibs.  I was inspired to to try running through her blog.  Thanks, chica!

So now I have to train in earnest.  I've set a very modest goal for this race -- basically I want to finish it before they sweep up the stragglers.  I have 4 hours before that happens, but I think I can do it in about 3 hours if I keep training and if I can stick fairly closely to my 2min/1min, run/walk intervals (but I'm aiming to work up to 3min/1min for most of it).  The music should be a huge boost as well. There will be live music playing throughout, but The Wallflowers are playing a concert after the race, and I love them.  It should be a fun party.  Music is one of my greatest joys.

I think a long and winding race is a very fitting way to celebrate the 1 year anniversary of starting my weight loss adventure.  It has been challenging in spots, and I wasn't sure I'd reach the "finish line" to a normal weight.  But I did it, and it has been one of the greatest things I've ever done for myself.

You never really finish the weight race because of the maintenance part of the equation.  I've settled in on the realization that this awareness will be a part of my life forever.  I don't expect to arrive at the stage where I "don't even have to think about my diet anymore" anytime soon.  Hopefully I will get there in the future, but as of now, I don't consider this stage a "timed" race.  I merely have to get through to the finish line each day, and keep tweaking my diet when necessary.

Post Race Bliss

Just wanted to give a quick update on my very fun 10 mile walk this morning!  I completed the Silver Strand 10 miler and earned my first race medal.  Yippee!

It was a beautiful California morning and I had great views of the beach on both sides of the course.  I did the walk with my sister and brother-in-law so the time passed quickly as we chatted about our holiday plans and engaged in general silliness.  Before I knew it, it was done.

My first two races (Color Run and Silver Strand) were more social experiences.  I enjoyed sharing the experiences with my family and  friends, but I have to admit that I have the bug to do a race and go all out for my best time.  I think I'll be searching for one to go solo on and we will see how that goes.  I'm just thrilled to be able to go out there and participate.  I've come a very long way.

I know I'll be signing up for both social and personal races in the future.  It is just a wonderful way to stay in shape, have a goal and end with a party!  Plus, I admit to feeling just a little bad-ass athletic, which is something I admired in others when I was sitting on the sidelines as an overweight person.  It is awesome to know that a person like me can go from the sidelines to the race course in a matter of months!  If you are reading this in the middle of your weight loss journey, you'll be there too!

Here are some sights from this morning:

Looking like a giant, walking tall before the race.

The morning was flawless here at the starting line.

At the finish line with my first racing medal!  It felt great.

Healthy Halloween!!

This year's Halloween was quite different from years past.  We didn't have candy around the house until an hour before trick or treat time (and since we don't get many kids, it was a very small amount); I hadn't dug into any candy before Halloween, when it is abundant in the stores for weeks; and I decided to reach for a milestone this year.

Yesterday morning after dropping the kids off at school, my friend and I trekked off to hike to the top of a nearby mountain -- and we made it!

I was feeling the burn in my legs and butt, especially since I had my strength class the day before, but I was fit enough to keep the steady uphill climb.  It was an eight-miler round trip!

Picture at the summit - still smiling and all downhill from here!

My friend is a breast cancer survivor, so we both felt blessed to have our health and be able to experience and appreciate these beautiful views.  At times like these I am reminded of how much richer life is, now that I'm healthy and can do more.

We were surprised and delighted to find a metal box at the top containing notebooks signed by people who had also hiked to the top.  It was fun reading the entries, and then adding our own comments.

This morning I'm a little sore, but still feeling great about yesterday's fun.  Last night, I attended a Halloween party, drank a bit of wine, abstained from the pizza, but had a small slice of a lemon cake.  I'm mindful of food now, even if I don't always make the perfect choices.  Today I will drink lots of water, and keep to protein and veggies.  My weight is still up a little so I need to really focus on my diet and return to what worked for me a few weeks ago.

Hope you all had a successful Halloween, and if not, it's okay.  Today is a reset.

Week 40 of Optifast - More Non-Scale Victories

156 lbs.

I've had a busy week but wanted to check in on the blog.  Last week brought some great news and a huge non-scale victory for me.  After I left my job in May, I had to give up my work-supported life insurance policy.  Since I've been getting healthier, and haven't been this healthy in many years, I decided to apply for my own life insurance.  After going through all of the questions and blood work, last week I found out that I was approved!  This was huge for me.  My policy isn't very expensive, but I feel so much better knowing that if anything happened to me, that my family will have some financial support.  I never thought I'd be healthy enough to get my own policy, so this is a big deal for me.

I also headed to Arizona to attend my high school centennial celebration and homecoming.  It has been 29 years since I graduated and I've never been back for one of these events.  It was such a positive experience seeing old friends and reconnecting with my roots.  I lived in my city at a very unique time, when there was only one high school, so all the kids from all parts of town funneled into one place.  I have literally grown up with a good number of people from my home town, and we came from all walks of life.  It was a very special experience, and with Facebook keeping us in touch, we have remained pretty close.

My beautiful high school.

In truth, I never would have attended something like this 100 pounds ago.  For my 10 and 20 year reunions, I was lucky to be living on the East coast, far away from Arizona, so I had some cover.  Now I am so much more comfortable in my skin, and felt self-confident.  I guess this is one of the many perks of getting healthier.  I don't pass up special opportunities anymore.  I think this event falls solidly in the "have more fun" category of why I was motivated to lose weight.  Admittedly, it was great to look better too :-)

All of my friends were very supportive of my weight loss.  I had a great conversation with the husband of a friend who has maintained a 200 pound weight loss (he had gastric bypass surgery 4 years ago).  They have established an active lifestyle - participating in cycling races and long weekend rides.  I am always very happy to meet people who have managed to keep their weight off.  It really inspires me to know that it can be done and is being done by people all the time.

Saturday morning I met two of my friends for a beautiful desert hike.  I'm still amazed when I can do things like this without pain or extreme exertion.  Each time I push myself to do more, my confidence rises when I don't keel over from the activity!  I managed to eat pretty well over the weekend, except for Saturday evening and 3 big glasses of wine, which I enjoyed after helping my niece move (in a torrential rain storm, I might add).

Beautiful sunrise hike in the desert.

Before I left for the trip I measured out several 2oz packets of beef jerky, 1oz packets of almonds, and packed veggies, an apple and cheese sticks.  I had a cooler with the food as well as waters and diet soda.  It worked great and I wasn't tempted one bit to indulge in fast food or junk food during my road stops.  It also made logging my foods much easier.  While I was away I had a couple of treats, but mostly stuck with my plan.  A one pound variation in my weight didn't set off any alarm bells.  Today I'm back to eating less salty protein choices and drinking lots of water.  I feel in control and balanced in all of this.  But it still feels like new territory to me.

I'm hiking farther and faster, and progressing with my C25K program.  I also started weight lifting last week and will try a group strength class on Thursday.  I'm looking forward to that because I wasn't really happy with my new gym's weight machines, to be honest.  But I know that building muscle is very important to building my metabolism and will really help in maintaining my weight.

That's it for now.  Lots of busy stuff with life and kids and whatnot, but as far as my health and choices, I'm still on track.  Hope you all have a great week!

Making Today My Goal Weight

Feeling Good About My Weight

I wanted to give a quick update.  I'm starting to settle into eating now, and lost a couple of the food introduction pounds that I had put on.  I'm now 155 lbs. in the morning, which is where my MyFitnessPal ticker is stopped.  I've been able to maintain this weight for the past few days so I'm hoping the this constitutes the start of a more stable time in my weight maintenance.

I'm starting to feel very happy with my body and my new emphasis on fitness.  I've decided to make 155 lbs. my new goal weight and just be very darned happy to be here.  Everybody says you'll know when you've reached goal.  Well, today I just feel like I'm very happy where I am.  I would like to practice maintaining this weight for a few months, and if I feel like I want to lose more, then I might try.  If I don't, that's okay too.  I want to focus on building muscle now, and sculpting my body, rather than focus too much on the scale for the time being.

I can't tell you how wonderful it is to have made peace with the number on the scale.  I'm happy with the way my clothes fit, and I'm looking forward to taking on new challenges in my overall fitness.  This is a happy place to be, and a place that I never thought possible only a year ago!

My scream weight will remain 160 lbs, so I'll be checking daily, even during my muscle building time, but I might have to tweak the scream weight during that process too.  I'm new to all of this, so I'm certainly not going to etch anything in stone!

Fitness Bliss

I'm totally loving the C25K training, and my evening walks, even on the nights that I don't train.  I've been frequenting a lovely park near my son's karate studio, and when I drop him off, I go walking or jogging.  It is on a hilltop and gives a beautiful sunset view over the ocean (a far-away view depending on fog conditions), though I won't be seeing that until next Spring due to the shorter days.  In the evening, it looks out over neighborhood lights and darkened hills.  I saw a shooting star the other night.  I love exercising outside, and even though I'm literally going around in a circle at a park, just breathing the air feels so good to me.  It is also populated with exercisers so I don't feel unsafe, even after dark.

Speaking of walking...I LOVED this post on Mark's Daily Apple.

Thank You

So that's today's update.  I feel blessed and at peace with my decision to stop at this weight and enjoy a new focus on fitness and weight maintenance.  Thank you so much for supporting me through this process.  I am humbled that I have readers from all over the world, and I will continue to keep writing on this next chapter of my adventure.

Big Milestones in Two Jam-Packed Fun Weeks

157 lbs - One Hundred Pounds Down

This is one of those blog posts where I have so much to write about that I don't even know where to begin.  I'll start at the beginning.


Recent Events

This was an unusually busy and fun summer for me, and it all culminated in hosting a huge family party and reunion that took place at my house last weekend.  It has been two weeks of company, travelling and keeping everyone in clean sheets and towels and food.

After spending many weeks cleaning and organizing the house, when my sister the birthday girl, came out, it was purely for some pre-party fun.  We traveled by train up the coast of California to go hiking on Anacapa Island in the Channel Islands National Park.

Hiking on beautiful Anacapa Island

We took the train back down and stopped off in Los Angeles and visited historic Olvera Street as well as Chinatown.

Looking out onto Olvera Street, eating lunch.

LA's Chinatown

When we got home, we had planned to do ziplining and stand-up paddleboarding, but circumstances (busted water pipe in my house) and weather (a freak lightening storm in San Diego) got in the way of our plans.  I will look forward to trying these sometime in the future.  But with all the great times, they weren't missed on this trip.

So I managed repair people and we started decorating my backyard with party lights.  Most of the guests started arriving last Thursday.  All beds and couches were occupied at that point, and I really couldn't have been happier to be surrounded by all of my family at once.

On Friday night we had a big bonfire party at a local beach.

Starting the bonfire at sunset.

My sister's and brother- all five of us together!

I have four siblings, and all five of us were able to come from different states to be there.  This has been an extraordinary summer since I've had the chance to see each of my siblings  in the last couple of months.  When we are all together in one place, I always feel a magical energy and feeling of belonging to a special group.  Our parents have passed away, so I'm really blessed that we have managed to stay close and even all get together once a year at least.

This party was an extra special celebration.  Five years ago we almost lost my sister Nancy when she suddenly had a complication from surgery.  It was fitting for all of us to gather under happy circumstances to celebrate her 60th birthday this year.

This is a fraction of what I passed up at this wonderful party!

Some of the part guest eating up!  I'm wisely behind the camera.

Important Weight and Diet Milestones

Hitting the Century Mark

While all this was going on, I hit the 100 pound weight loss mark.  When I saw 157 on the scale during my first morning weigh-in, I think I was almost too busy to feel the full impact of that milestone.  But it was really cool to quietly share it with my family, and THEY were incredibly excited.  That was a very nice way to celebrate a big weight loss number.  This big party was the first big gathering since my weight loss, so many people were surprised and supportive.   Sometimes it's nice for me to think back to just a few short months ago.  I would ask myself, "Can you imaging losing 100 pounds?"  I know my answer would have been "we'll see". In reality I never believed that I would get my weight down to a more normal level.  It was literally inconceivable to me and such a far-off dream.  This is one of the most gratifying parts of doing this on Optifast.  If you can make the shakes a normal part of nourishing your body every day, you will eventually get there.  I never fought it, I just accepted it, and the people around me accepted it when I didn't eat with them.

Starting Food

I was planning to start my Progressive Food Encounters (PFE's) tomorrow, after the last of my company is gone.  Last night, however, my sister steamed some crab legs and we made a beautiful Caprese salad, and I just decided that I wanted to eat something.  I had a little bit of everything, even a small piece of bread and butter.  This isn't the way the clinic wants us to do it, but I decided that I wanted to eat this meal.  I passed up all the catering and cake at the party, and all the the food preceding the event, and just decided that this would be my first real meal.  I enjoyed it.

So tonight I'll measure out my 3oz of chicken, and begin my PFE's in earnest, and according to plan.  It has been tough being around all the carbs, sweets, and delicious food.  I have already thrown away lots of muffins and chips.  After tonight, when my last sister leaves, we will purge the house completely, except for what we feed the kids for their lunches.  It will feel good to create my new "normal" healthy household food inventory.

On Thursday I'll head back to my meeting just like usual, and I am excited about continuing this program and reaching my weight loss goal eventually.  As of now, if I didn't lose another pound, I think I would feel great, but it would still be nice to reach the normal BMI, so that's what I'm shooting for.  Then there is the lifelong focus on maintaining a normal weight in the midst of hopefully many more celebrations and special times.  I'm taking it one day, one meal at a time for now.

Thoughts on Challenging Old Assumptions

I've been thinking about how through this weight loss process, I have had to be more bold about challenging old assumptions of what I am capable of doing through my choices and through my physical activity.  In this part of the program, the weight loss portion, I've had to stay committed to my eating plan and follow it precisely.  It hasn't been easy, and it forced me to stand out from the crowd, which is something I was never comfortable doing, especially as an obese person.  Not eating or drinking when everyone else is, was very challenging for me when I first began my Optifast program, but I stuck to my guns and followed through on my commitment.

Week after week my body changed very drastically and quickly.  In subtle ways, life became less painful.  I first noticed that my sciatica suddenly vanished, and that I wasn't as stiff when I got out of bed in the morning.  I could bend over and balance on one foot.  Then my Achilles tendinitis started fading away, and I noticed that I could walk farther and faster without pain.  Each of those "feats" were a tiny secret delight.  They helped me to stay committed.

Each of these milestones were a surprise to me.  When I worried about pushing myself too hard while on the shakes, I would be surprised that I felt okay after walking or hiking for a long period of time.  Over time, I'm starting to trust myself enough to push farther and faster when working out.  Each of those challenges brings greater confidence.

I've been also thinking about this process in terms of the next phase of my program, when food will slowly be reintroduced.  I will continue to feel concern about my capabilities to follow through and to develop a new, healthy way of eating.  Fortunately I will still have the support of my clinic, and of my maintenance class.  I'll continue to learn new things, and will examine food triggers in real time, as I live my life among the "eating".  Even today, having not yet achieved my "goal", I do feel like I've achieved more confidence in my ability to make positive choices to support my healthy body.  Just like when I started my program 7 months ago, I didn't know that I could lose weight, I'll need to prove to myself again that I am capable of maintaining a healthy weight. It will be completely new territory for me.

This is what was going through my mind today, and it's part of the learning process as I get to know my new self.

Week 31 Weigh-In: Creating a New Vision Board

164 lbs.

I found a computer and a few minutes to string together, so I thought I'd write a brief update.  Vacation has been fantastic!  I hiked and exercised at high altitudes, including a beautiful hike partially down the Grand Canyon.  My concerns about how my body would respond to high altitude were pleasantly unfounded.  I can now scratch that worry off my list for good, and it feels wonderful.

I'm thrilled to report that I stayed fully on program the whole time.  I passed up huge family dinners, birthday cake and wine (the hardest!)  At first, some family members didn't understand why I couldn't eat a healthy salad, but I was steadfast in sharing that this is a temporary part of my treatment, and that healthy foods will be coming into my life very soon.  I think some people remain skeptical, and see my program as a "fad" diet.  Maybe they weren't thinking this, but I just seemed to pick up on a vibe of them thinking "she is probably going to gain it all back after this is done."

Perhaps I'm projecting my own concerns onto them.  Who knows?  

I don't care what anyone thinks at this point in time.  This program has changed my life completely, and I'm having more fun and dressing better than I've been able to do for YEARS (I'm doing a happy dance right now and smiling from ear to ear!)

At the beginning of my adventure I wrote about imagining myself having more fun, engaging in healthy activities, wearing a bathing suit in public.  Here I am, about 8 months later, actually doing those things.  I laughed like a little kid as I went down a community water slide about 25 times!  My kids and nieces and nephews gave me high fives and even convinced me to go on the scary tube slide (only once).

I wished that I could have hiked all the way down the Grand Canyon.  Even going back up was fine, though I stopped every few levels.  My body felt energized and healthy and I just smiled inside, aware of this new experience.  I can't wait to eat a bit more and then push myself physically to do more.  This will happen in a few weeks, but until then, I'm not suffering, and I'm managing to have a blast!

This was the first time I had been on a water slide in 20 years!

This is me about a half mile down the Grand Canyon.  

Eventually these photos will be added to the Vision Board Part 2, with ME doing all of the fun activities I'd always dreamed of doing.  I'm trying to keep this feeling close to the surface, and at the forefront of my mind.  When I finally start eating again, and bump up against cravings, I want to be able to come back to these pictures and tell myself "no thank you, I've had enough" when my cravings steer me in the direction of carbs, or a second glass of wine.

Week 29 Weigh-In: No Longer Obese

169 lbs.

I hit a very nice milestone tonight - I am no longer in the Obese BMI range.  That one feels very, very good.  Those labels of "obese" and "morbidly obese" have been dogging me for many years, and worrying me, too.  As I traverse the BMI table, I feel a tremendous sense of relief.  When I look at the Overweight and Normal ranges, I think those levels are pretty interchangeable sometimes.  At my current weight, I feel like if I kept exercising and adopted a healthy diet, I'd be a very healthy person for the rest of my life, even if the table tells me I'm overweight.  I intend to have a weight range that I keep to, and that will call me into action when necessary, but we will see where it falls on the official table.

For now, I'm determined to reach my goal weight, which happens to be the topmost weight for the Normal BMI range for my height.  For me, reaching that number is more about actually accomplishing a weight loss goal.  I have only done this one other time in my life, when I was in my teens.  This is more competitive than contemplative, and I feel a little shallow even admitting it.  But that's my plan for now.

Changing the subject for a bit, my class tonight was one of the best I've gone to.  Our leader led us on a discussion of how feelings were treated in our families, and led us through remembering both a negative and a positive emotional experience in our lives.

Some of us come from families where it was considered "weak" to show emotion, especially negative emotions.  Some people couldn't summon up those times or put them into words.  It's a safe place for all of us, no matter what we were able to do and talk about.  The takeaway was to stop and think about what we are feeling, especially when we are turning to food for something other than nourishment. This is what we were to remember:

• Identify the feeling we are having and name it
• Look at what is causing the feeling
• Validate the normalcy of our emotional response to whatever is happening.  Allow ourselves some time to feel the feeling without regrets or guilt.
• Look for the origin of how we are feeling under those circumstances (was it a childhood experience?  Did we have a past trauma that is being conjured up in this particular instance?)

  It's difficult for me walk through negative feelings without a detour to the refrigerator.  This fast has removed my food crutch, so I've been reading some Buddhist writings on negative feelings, and have found it helpful to view them as teachers and as avenues toward developing greater humility.  I'm fond of the writings of Pema Chodron, an American Buddhist nun.  Here are some of her thoughts:

“Rather than letting our negativity get the better of us, we could acknowledge that right now we feel like a piece of shit and not be squeamish about taking a good look.” 
― Pema Chödrön, When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times



“Once there was a young warrior. Her teacher told her that she had to do battle with fear. She didn’t want to do that. It seemed too aggressive; it was scary; it seemed unfriendly. But the teacher said she had to do it and gave her the instructions for the battle. The day arrived. The student warrior stood on one side, and fear stood on the other. The warrior was feeling very small, and fear was looking big and wrathful. They both had their weapons. The young warrior roused herself and went toward fear, prostrated three times, and asked, "May I have permission to go into battle with you?" Fear said, "Thank you for showing me so much respect that you ask permission." Then the young warrior said, "How can I defeat you?" Fear replied, "My weapons are that I talk fast, and I get very close to your face. Then you get completely unnerved, and you do whatever I say. If you don’t do what I tell you, I have no power. You can listen to me, and you can have respect for me. You can even be convinced by me. But if you don’t do what I say, I have no power." In that way, the student warrior learned how to defeat fear. ” 
― Pema Chödrön, When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times

“…feelings like disappointment, embarrassment, irritation, resentment, anger, jealousy, and fear, instead of being bad news, are actually very clear moments that teach us where it is that we’re holding back. They teach us to perk up and lean in when we feel we’d rather collapse and back away. They’re like messengers that show us, with terrifying clarity, exactly where we’re stuck. This very moment is the perfect teacher, and, lucky for us, it’s with us wherever we are.” 
― Pema Chödrön

“Life is glorious, but life is also wretched. It is both. Appreciating the gloriousness inspires us, encourages us, cheers us up, gives us a bigger perspective, energizes us. We feel connected. But if that's all that's happening, we get arrogant and start to look down on others, and there is a sense of making ourselves a big deal and being really serious about it, wanting it to be like that forever. The gloriousness becomes tinged by craving and addiction. On the other hand, wretchedness--life's painful aspect--softens us up considerably. Knowing pain is a very important ingredient of being there for another person. When you are feeling a lot of grief, you can look right into somebody's eyes because you feel you haven't got anything to lose--you're just there. The wretchedness humbles us and softens us, but if we were only wretched, we would all just go down the tubes. We'd be so depressed, discouraged, and hopeless that we wouldn't have enough energy to eat an apple. Gloriousness and wretchedness need each other. One inspires us, the other softens us. They go together.” 
― Pema Chödrön, Start Where You Are: A Guide to Compassionate Living

I realize that these are a lot of quotes from one wise woman, but I have found her writing to be very thought-provoking, and I'm trying to learn some of these skills.  I think what my leader was talking about today is exactly what Pema was suggesting.  When we fear an emotion, and our instinct is to soften it with food, or run away from it.  Sitting and staring at it, making sense of it, takes away some of the power that it holds.

I'm hoping that with practice I'm able to do this, more and more.  I think I have experienced a little bit of improvement in trying this.

I hope all of you are doing well on your programs, and feeling healthier and more confident as a result.  I wish you all the very best and I'm sending you good wishes right now.

Week 25 Weigh In - Focus and Goals

179 lbs.

Another week of Optifast down, and God only knows how many more to go :-)  I'm not complaining, I'm committed to the ride, and I'm so thankful for this journey.  But the experience is different now.  In the earlier weeks it was easier to stay focused.  I had more milestones to look forward to and accomplish.  I'm starting to tick them off of the milestone chart now and the list is happily getting shorter.  But some of the biggies are still left to accomplish!  Despite this, though, I realize that I need to find something more to focus on, instead of the day that I can start eating again, and I think the next logical step would be for me to rededicate myself to establishing an exercise routine.  Today in our Optifast class we were visited by an exercise physiologist who talked about the importance of resistance training/weight lifting.  I admit that I've been avoiding this because I'm pretty naturally muscular and am able to build muscle easily.  I didn't want to stall my weight loss since this is my primary focus.  The exercise physiologist changed my mind, though.  I realize that now that I'm in the home stretch, I should start to not only tone my muscles, but more importantly, incorporate weight lifting into my routine.

I haven't fully reestablished my exercise routine since I left my job at the end of May.  Summer kicked in, the kids are home from school, I'm at home for the first time in close to 10 years, and I've started working more on a side business (due to my husband's impending exit from his job).  There is a steep learning curve with this as well.  I'm spending more time on the computer.  And I confess that it's not all business -- I enjoy checking MyFitnessPal, and reading and discovering new fitness blogs. The time suck happens in a blink of an eye.

These are excuses, and I completely realize that I have time to work out.  This is how unexpected life changes (and the resulting paralysis, stress or depression), if I let them suck all of my attention, take over and distract me from my health goals.  I've done this countless times.  Starting a new job, having a baby, moving, injuries, kids activities...the list goes on... and will continue to go on for the rest of my life.  I think this is a good time to stop and recognize what is happening and learn how to deal with change, and prioritize my health and wellness.  This is why I'm treating this experience as so much more than a "diet".  If I want to make this wonderful progress last, I need to stay vigilant and disciplined and focused on my new healthy priorities.  The rest of my life needs to accommodate THOSE things.  Not the other way around.

It all comes down to why I started in the first place.  I want to have more fun and more joy in my life, and being healthy is the only way for me to achieve this (especially the kind of fun I'm thinking of!).   I think now is the prefect time to re-post my vision board and remember why I'm seeking this change.


I hope you all are staying strong and feeling good.  If you're not, keep going anyway and don't give up. We're in this thing together.

Week 19 Weigh-In and 60 Pounds Down

197 lbs. - 60 lbs. down officially -- YAY!

My group leader handed around a list of weights and some unusual things that weigh that amount.  I'm THRILLED to announce that tonight I have officially lost the equivalent of an elephant's penis so far!  Now that's an accomplishment.  On to bigger and better things, whatever they may be!

This was the next to last week of our Optifast class - some of my classmates are winding down and preparing to go onto the 6 week maintenance class, and quite a few of us who have not reached goal will be continuing on to a new class, joined by people who will just be starting Optifast.  I remember my first class.  I clearly remember those returning people, looking slender and offering tips and words of encouragement.  Now it's my turn to speak about my experience and offer advice.  My appearance is different, and I'm so happy to have experienced many scale and non-scale victories so far.  I've updated my Progress in Pictures.

I'm not afraid to walk places anymore for fear of getting winded or of hurting my Achilles tendon or my sciatica flaring up.  I enjoy shopping now, in normal stores -- and even better -- from the Sale rack!  I recently slipped on my original wedding band, which was tight, but in a few more pounds, I should be able to wear it again. This will be the first time in 15 years!  I play and swim with my kids now.  I don't regret a moment of this journey, even though on Day 1 I was unsure about if I could do it.  I've learned not to put too much stock in my initial self-doubt when facing new challenges.  Sometimes you just need to forge ahead into the unknown and have faith that you will know what to do each day.

Week 18 Weigh-In - Onederland!

199 lbs - Officially under 200!

I think it's ironic that I spent a good part of the week thinking about eating, because we talked about that during our Optifast class today.  It looks like the next stage - transition - will be low carb, higher protein/veggies.  Concern over leaving ketosis has been a strong driver in keeping me true to my diet.  I will try to transfer this motivator over to my maintenance eating plan.  I really don't want to revisit the cravings and hunger that I was living with before the fast - though I'm sure I will need to.  I'm still going to consider a low carb/high fat diet, but if I'm satisfied on the eating plan outlined at my clinic, then I'll just keep it up.

Life is getting pretty emotional at work.  I'm working like crazy to prepare the way for whoever takes my place when I leave, while also helping students find jobs after college.  One of my biggest challenges is cleaning up and organizing my computer files so that the next person can find what they need, and access archival material easily.  I also confess that I don't want to show them how disorganized I have always been!  I'm compiling a guide explaining what I do and when I do it, and who to contact for things.  I've done this for every job I've left, and I know it's a nice thing to provide for the new person.

It has been very touching to hear the kind words from students and colleagues, when they drop by to acknowledge my leaving.   It has been a rewarding career for me, and in my time in this position, I've met some wonderful people.  I will miss them!  My last day will be May 23rd, and after that, it's on to a new adventure that isn't quite clear to me, but will hopefully be more conducive to a healthier life.  I'm going to have this new emerging body, and sense of self.  I'm excited!

Week 17 Weigh In

200.5 lbs.

I can't believe it has been 17 weeks since I started this process.  As we near the end of our 20 week session, our Optifast group is starting to feel a little melancholy.  Many of us are continuing into the next group, but all of us agree that is has been a great journey so far and that we have learned a lot from each other.

I'm excited to be getting close to Onederland at the evening weigh-in!  I had hoped and dreamed of seeing that number by my birthday, which is Saturday.  I'm so happy that I was able to give myself that present.   It's nice to be ending my 46th year as a much healthier person, and I look forward to continuing my good health into the future.  Year 47 is going to be challenging, especially as I transition to food, but I'm up for it and I'll be sure to kick up the gear on fun and adventure pretty soon, as a reward.

I hope all of you are feeling well and following your plans.  I'm rooting for you, too!

Meeting Travel Challenges Successfully

I just returned from a 4 day trip to Kansas City to attend a family funeral.  I was nervous about the trip and tried my best to pack all the shake powder and soup I would need, as well as a blender bottle and a large empty water bottle.  I didn't know how I was going to get my shakes and waters in, and how I was going to explain myself to people.

The plane trip gave me some exciting NSV's (non-scale victories).  For the first time in many years, and LOTS of travel, I was able to feel comfortable in my airplane seat (achieving another Milestone!)  I didn't need a seat belt extender and actually had a little room between my hips and the arm rests.  This is a really big deal for me because I'm pear-shaped and all of the junk in my trunk was a source of embarrassment whenever I traveled.  On the last leg of the trip, I was packed in with two other travelers, and was saying a silent prayer of thanks that I didn't need to feel like a burden to the person sitting next to me.  My body parts were within my seat area.  What a relief and sense of satisfaction.  It's strange posting a picture, but I couldn't help snapping a discreet photo to mark the milestone.

The second very nice moment came when three of my siblings saw me for the first time.  They were flabbergasted!  And I have to admit that this was the first time that I could see my own progress - in my face, shape and clothes.  The appearance changes just weren't that noticeable to me before -- I have just enjoyed feeling healthier.  But seeing things through their eyes, I DO look so much leaner and healthier.

Now for the challenges.

The first evening, we were invited to dinner at a cousin's house.  I didn't know her very well, so this felt extremely stressful to me.  But when we arrived, I passed on wine and appetizers, and explained that I was on a medically prescribed diet and wouldn't be eating, just visiting.  She was super gracious and the rest of the evening went very smoothly.

After dinner, we were all sharing pictures of our families on our iphones  - through Apple TV.  They then got to see the heavier me, and I think this helped them to understand why I was on this journey. My discomfort about this part of my travels turned out to be short lived.  I learned that declining food didn't make the evening awkward (past the initial explanation), and everyone was just too busy catching up and getting reacquainted to notice that I wasn't eating.  I had to decline one other dinner when we went to a restaurant, but I ordered a bowl of hot water and made myself some chicken broth.  No problem.

Also for the trip, I packed some workout clothes because our hotel had a small gym.  My sister and I went down one morning, and I did 20 brisk minutes.  Later that day, I learned that another cousin taught a Restorative Yoga class, and she invited a bunch of family members to take the class.  I was worried.  This was my first time trying Yoga.  I can't tell you how special it was.  My cousin is a peaceful, gentle soul, and her calm supportive approach to the class made me feel perfectly capable.  I had been very reluctant to try Yoga due to my size and extreme inflexibility, but this type of Yoga is really wonderful, and I highly recommend it no matter what size you are.  This is the second time the I've tried something new (see Jumping for Valentines) and realized that I never needed to wait to be thinner to try these enjoyable activities.  I could have done them from the start.  So what else am I not doing that I can try right now?  I'll have to think about it.

Although the occasion of my visit was very sad and touching, being forced into this challenging situation taught me that I can get through this phase of my health quest, and that I do have the resolve to make it, and learn from it.

One Month Into It

Today marks one-month since I started on the Optifast shakes.  I can't believe it because it seems like I've been on it for much longer! (haha)  I have been very happy with my results so far - 23ish pounds down and counting!  I feel it in my body -- it's less achy in the morning, I can reach things better, and fit into some of my smaller old wardrobe items.  I'm getting a bit of a waist!

I've never been part of a program that showed results so quickly, and it is very, very motivating for me.  When I've had 3 pound weight losses the past couple of weeks, I couldn't help but remember the million or so times that I tried Weight Watchers and would be doing cartwheels at a 3 pound loss.  That would be more of a "first week" weight loss in the olden days.

I don't do anything differently from week to week., now.  I exercise about 3 or 4 times per week, drink my water and take my shakes and sometimes broth.  I don't know why I would have a different result, but I'm relaxed knowing that I will probably have some sort of loss each week.  God help me if ever I don't!  I have heard that it happens every now and then.

Today I logged my food for the first time on MyFitnessPal.com, and I was surprised when it said at this rate I would weigh 213 lbs in 5 weeks.  We will see about that!  It sure would be fun, though.  Even though I feel like the rate of weight loss is largely out of my control, I do harbor a fantasy.  It would be the best birthday present in the world, if at the end of April, I could be in Onderland - even if it's first thing in the morning, completely naked.  I will cry tears of joy when that day arrives because it has been 15 years since I've been there.  I always stop short, but not this time!

Between drinking lots of water and exercising -- I wonder if anyone out there has added something to their Optifast program that was helpful in promoting greater weight loss.  If you have any ideas, I'd love to hear them!  Thanks everyone and have a terrific week!

Weight loss Progress and Milestones to be Reached

WEIGHT LOSS PROGRESS

1/3/14:  257 lbs. (Starting Weight)

1/9/14:  252.5 lbs. (-4.5)  started product on 1/10/14

1/16/14:  247 lbs.  (-5.5)

1/23/14:  241 lbs.  (-6)

1/30/14:  238 lbs.  (-3)

2/6/14:  234.5 lbs. (-3.5)
2/13/14: 230.5 lbs. (-4)
2/20/14: 226.5 lbs. (-4)
2/27/14: 225.5 lbs. (-1)
3/6/14:   223 lbs.  (-2.5)
3/13/14: 219 lbs. (-4)
3/20/14:  214.5 lbs (-4.5)
3/27/14:  214.5 lbs (0, zippo, bupkis)
4/4/14:  210 lbs. (-4.5) - I'm in the "countdown" to onederland!
4/10/14:  207.5 lbs.  (-2.5)
4/17/14:  202.5 lbs.  (-5)
4/24/14:  200.5 lbs.  (-2)
5/1/14:  199 lbs.  (-1.5)  ONEDERLAND!
5/8/14:  197 lbs . (-2)
5/15/14:  193 lbs. (-4)
5/22/14:  192 lbs. (-1)
5/29/14:  188 lbs. (-4)
6/5/14:   183.5 lbs. (-4.5)
6/12/14:  182 lbs. (-1.5)
6/19/14:  179 lbs. (-3)
6/26/14:  176.5 lbs. (-2.5)
7/2/14:  174 lbs (-2.5)  Early weigh-in due to holiday vacation.
7/10/14: 172 lbs (-2)
7/17/14: 169 lbs. (-3)
7/24/14: 167 lbs. (-2)
7/31/14: 164 lbs. (-3)
8/7/14:  162.5 lbs. (-1.5) - lots of travel until next weigh-in
8/20/14:  157 lbs.   (-5.5)  100 pounds down!
9/4/14:  155 lbs.  (-2)  GOAL!
9/18/14:  156.5 lbs (+1.5)
10/5/14:  153 lbs (-2.5)

MILESTONES

• 10 pounds down - Achieved 1/16/2014!
• Wedding ring not tight anymore - Achieved 2/17/14
• Saying "no" to food at a big social situation- Achieved: 1/19/14, 1/25/14, 2/1/14
• 20 pounds down- Achieved 2/6/14!
• Saying "no" to myself when I really, really, really want to cheat   Yes - 5/14/14 
• Losing 10% of my initial weight- Achieved 2/13/14
• First change in pant size - Achieved:  1/27/14 (size 22);  2/4 ( size 20)
• More changes in sizes - size 14 (5/26), size 12 (6/24)
• Fit into my new, cool watch - Achieved 3/21/14
• First time someone notices weight loss:  Achieved:  1/24/14  co-worker
• 30 pounds down:  Achieved 2/20/14
• First time my youngest son can hug me with arms all the way around:  Achieved 2/21/14
• 50 pounds down  Achieved 4/17/14
• Riding on an amusement park ride:  6/27/14 Walked around in a bathing suit all day at a waterpark, swam and played with my son.  Unbelievable - not a hint of self-consciousness.
• No need for seat belt extender when flying.  Feeling more comfortable in seat. Achieved 3/7/14
• Onederland!  First a.m. sighting 4/17/14!  Evening weigh-in 5/1/14
• Fit into original wedding band  Did it!  5/23/14
• Buying first piece of clothing at the normal size section:  Achieved 3/1/14  (XL and L shirts!)
• Wear shirt tucked in:  7/17/14
• Wear a belt:  8/4/14.  My skirt was too big and I got to use a new cute belt.  I was amazed that my stomach looked okay/"normal".  I love feeling "normal sized"
• 75 pounds down - Yay!!!  6/12/14
• Reaching  below 170 lbs and the "Overweight" BMI :  7/17/14 
• Wearing something sleeveless in public - Yes!  6/5/14
• Wear a sundress - Yes!  6/5/14
• 100 pounds down! - 8/20/14!!!!!
• Start PFEs (Progressive Food Encounters):  8/25/14  at 155 lbs. morning weight :-)
• 155 lbs. Gooooooooooaaaaaalllllll!!!  9/4/14
• Overcoming a cheat during transition:  During the fast 6/22, during transition 8/30
• Completing full Optifast Program from beginning to end - big reward for this one.