Thinking of the Big Picture And Accepting My Pace

After my setbacks of late, I'm finally feeling better and boy do I appreciate every pain free moment!  As soon as I could, I ditched my medication and slowly set off to walk  and keep moving.  Of course, last week was also the end of the school year for my youngest son, and there were school promotions, parties and events to attend.  Yesterday I organized a sunset beach picnic for friends and kids, and we welcomed the summer Southern California style with a chilly evening at the beach.  I left very early in the morning to stake out a nice spot on the sand and at the picnic tables.  I love the beach, especially before the people arrive.

I had the beach all to myself early in the morning.  Only seagull prints were in the sand.

Diet and RMR Testing

After Monday's humiliating weigh-in, I have been extra, extra conscientious with my diet.  I've followed the clinic eating plan perfectly this week, and am also losing the water weight that I had gained while on medications.  I've only weighed in once this week, and was down a couple of pounds.  I have no doubt that this was some excess water weight.  It will be interesting to watch my weight over the next few weeks, because I average very few calories - usually 1200 or below - on this eating plan. This would normally seem low to me, but I'm wondering if this is my reality.  If I really don't need very many calories to live my life, then that's what it will be.

My clinic recently replaced their machine which tests resting metabolic rate, and so I set up an appointment to be tested in a couple of weeks.  I'm super excited to get this next batch of data.  I'm almost a year into eating food again, so my body has had a decent amount of time to adjust.   Plus I'm so much more active than I was back then and have built muscle in the process.  I can't wait to find out what my baseline/resting calorie needs are.

I think I can accept and feel fine about my diet if the scale moves in the expected direction, even if it's slowly, and even if it fluctuates a little bit on the way down.  I don't need to lose my extra weight quickly, I just need to learn the right way to intervene when it starts to climb, and feel confident in my interventions.  This is my ultimate goal.

Interventions That Are Apparently Working So Far

• Eating a low carb, very nutritionally specific diet:  Exacts amounts of proteins, vegetables, dairy, fats and fruits.  Higher protein than any other macronutrient.
• Eating fewer calories, and not adding calories from exercise.
• Conscientiously drinking tea, water, and avoiding diet drinks.  I add lemon, which makes it delicious.
• Abstaining from alcohol.  This is the most difficult, of course, but it will be my strategy while I'm trying to lose weight.  It is not part of my long-term plan, though :-)  I want to try and add a drink or two when I am maintaining a healthy weight range.

All this may sound pretty dull and basic, but this is what I'm doing, and I'm making the best of it, with delicious, healthy dishes.  

I hope all of you are feeling healthy and enjoying the new season!

The Half Marathon Prep and Playlist

166 lbs. (moving in the right direction)

I'm a little scared, but getting excited about running my first half marathon next weekend.  I've been training to run/walk in equal intervals, and have been maintaining a pace that will help me finish before my goal of 3:30.  Of course, since it's my first big race, I'm not sure how I'll do given the unfamiliar course, and my own well being on the race day.  13.1 miles will be my longest distance, even in training.  I plan to have my last long run tomorrow and will make it 11 miles, then I'm going to rest and only do a couple of short walks to keep moving.  I admit that I'm not doing this according to a training schedule.  I'm committed to changing that for future races, and will be more disciplined.

My diet has been mostly on target, with a couple of off-days.  I'm happy to see my weight move down, and I'll continue to add in some low calorie meal replacements to help spur further weight loss.  It would be nice to be down another pound or two before the race.

The Playlist

When I discovered the power of music on my mental focus and physical performance, it was a game-changer for me.  Right from the start of my weight loss journey, I made playlists and listened to them one or more times per day as a means of staying focused on my diet/health or increasing my exercise stamina.  I've written about it here and here.  Making a self-reflective and encouraging playlist was probably one of my top tools on this journey.  Some people may have a mantra that they repeat every day, but for me, when I hear this music in the car, or when I'm walking, I'm reminded of the day that I began my weight loss, and I focus on that mindset.

I've created playlists for my exercise as well.  When I subscribed to the FitRadio app, my walking tempo increased dramatically, and then I found myself starting to jog in spots.  That is when I started to love exercising.  Recently I learned about the Amazon Prime Music App, which gives Prime members access to an incredible amount of free music that can be downloaded onto your phone, and does not require data to access.  I found lots of "Cardio Workout" music and culled the internet for recommendations on favorite workout songs.  I've found some excellent music that I never would have found otherwise.  It's not all music that I listen to for pleasure, but it has 138-150 bpm, which keeps me walking or jogging 4.0-5mph, and I admit, it kind of kicks up the endorphins!

Here's the list I made for my half marathon training and race (I shuffle it).  Some of the songs I have in my playlist more than once because they have such a positive effect on me, or they have the perfect tempo.  I'm still adding to it!

Days Go By, The Offspring
Be Good to Yourself, Journey
New Shoes, Paolo Nutini
Gangsta's Paradise, Coolio
Give Love, MC Yogi
Cup of Life, Ricky Martin
Let's Go, Calvin Harris
Under African Skies, Paul Simon
The Obvious Child, Paul Simon
Live Your Life, T.I.
Just the Way You Are, Cardio Workout
Further to Fly, Paul Simon
Firework, Katie Perry
Just Like Heaven, The Cure
Mrs. Robinson, The Lemonheads
Stuck in a Moment, U2
Beautiful Day, U2
Veronica, Elvis Costello
Mambo No. 5, Lou Bega
The Distance, Cake
Remember the Name, Fort Minor
Shine Like a New Pin, Camera Obscura
Such Great Heights, The Postal Service
Friday I'm In Love, The Cure
Lo Boob Oscillator, Stereolab
Viva la Vida, Coldplay
Evangeline, Los Lobos
Industrial Disease, Dire Straits
If You Want Blood, AC/DC
Temptation, New Order
Get Ur Freak On, Missy Elliott
Runaway Baby, Bruno Mars
C'Mon, Tiesto & Diplo
Music, Darude
Feel the Beat, Darude
I Ran, Darude
Born at the Right Time, Paul Simon

My First Glimpse of Onederland!

Even though my blog weight comes from my Optifast weigh-in (tonight), I just had to share my elation when I stepped on the scale this morning (undies only, of course) and saw the most beautiful number:  199.8 lbs.  The last time I was at this weight was before I became pregnant with my first son in 1998!

I have to say that the last time I saw this weight, I wasn't happy.  I was at the doorstep of 200 lbs., and a frantic burn-out of Weight Watchers (exchanges, not points), Nutri System (in the clinic), Slim Fast (powder, of course).  Susan Powter (remember the screaming woman with short spiky hair?) was on the tube screaming that I could eat a laundry basket full of bread and as long as I didn't put butter on them, I would still lose weight - Fat Makes You Fat!  Richard Simmons was Sweatin' to the Oldies and Dealing A Meal.  Those were the days, my friend.

But here I am today, older and hopefully wiser. Happy as I can be to see a "1" in the first digit, if only for a fleeting moment.  In this moment I am very thankful that I didn't give up and decide to quit trying to lose weight.  I tried many more programs after the ones listed above, and I can't predict that what I'm doing now is going to last forever.  The point is, I only know this moment in time, and I'm going to take a second to smile, thank God, and feel hopeful.

One Month Into It

Today marks one-month since I started on the Optifast shakes.  I can't believe it because it seems like I've been on it for much longer! (haha)  I have been very happy with my results so far - 23ish pounds down and counting!  I feel it in my body -- it's less achy in the morning, I can reach things better, and fit into some of my smaller old wardrobe items.  I'm getting a bit of a waist!

I've never been part of a program that showed results so quickly, and it is very, very motivating for me.  When I've had 3 pound weight losses the past couple of weeks, I couldn't help but remember the million or so times that I tried Weight Watchers and would be doing cartwheels at a 3 pound loss.  That would be more of a "first week" weight loss in the olden days.

I don't do anything differently from week to week., now.  I exercise about 3 or 4 times per week, drink my water and take my shakes and sometimes broth.  I don't know why I would have a different result, but I'm relaxed knowing that I will probably have some sort of loss each week.  God help me if ever I don't!  I have heard that it happens every now and then.

Today I logged my food for the first time on MyFitnessPal.com, and I was surprised when it said at this rate I would weigh 213 lbs in 5 weeks.  We will see about that!  It sure would be fun, though.  Even though I feel like the rate of weight loss is largely out of my control, I do harbor a fantasy.  It would be the best birthday present in the world, if at the end of April, I could be in Onderland - even if it's first thing in the morning, completely naked.  I will cry tears of joy when that day arrives because it has been 15 years since I've been there.  I always stop short, but not this time!

Between drinking lots of water and exercising -- I wonder if anyone out there has added something to their Optifast program that was helpful in promoting greater weight loss.  If you have any ideas, I'd love to hear them!  Thanks everyone and have a terrific week!

Fooling Myself

A few of the blogs that I follow brought the program "My 600 Pound Life" to my attention.  I watched an episode yesterday that broke my heart on many levels, but also got me thinking about my own issues related to weight.  The woman they featured, named Penny, was bed-ridden.  Her husband cares for her 24/7 and they have a 6 year old son.  She expressed a strong desire to be able to live for their son, and that was her inspiration for getting weight loss surgery.

What followed was an examination of how her troubling delusions, along with her husband's inability to be a supportive leader in a new healthy life, kept her from successfully achieving her dreams.  Her lies to herself and others-- about following the prescribed diet, about her efforts to become mobile were both painful to watch, yet struck a somewhat familiar chord for me.  Since I have had a lifetime of being overweight and trying to change, I can see how I have harbored my own delusions about how hard I try or how faithfully I follow a healthy eating plan.  Then when I step on the scale, I am faced with a disappointing outcome.  This has happened over and over.

It's never comfortable to confront the lies we tell ourselves.  When I think back, I know that an evening of lasagna, wine, bread and dessert, NOT followed by more activity will result in weight gain.  But it was so easy for me to go on the next day, not willing or motivated to move my butt - ignoring the truth.  Time after time of this has resulted in where I am today.  This is exactly why I feel that weight loss is so much more than following a healthy eating plan.  Almost as importantly, we need psychological support to help us through the process.

Many chat boards, doctors and even the family and friends in our lives are puzzled by why we can't just eat less and move more to lose weight.  In the face of so much judgement from everyone, I have felt paralyzed by my own shame in not being able to follow through with what is necessary for me to become healthy.  So now with my Optifast group, while not a traditional group therapy class, at least I am exploring what is necessary in the company of others who are in the same struggle.  I don't have to have my defenses up, and can know that I'm not alone in this journey, and that I'm not an outlier in my behaviors.

Even as I write this, I'm not sure that I'll be able to re-enter the world of eating and be empowered to do it differently.  This scares me and is why I enjoy reading the blogs of people who have lost a lot of weight and are continuing the healthy lifestyle.  I'm going to keep reading and keep this in my consciousness as I go along with the journey.

So I think of Penny, not with loathing and anger, but with compassion for someone who hasn't quite gotten all the help she needs yet.  Her husband needs the same level of psychological care as well.  We are all a part of a family system, and if one person is out of whack, then it's difficult for all of the others in the group.  But with the right help, things can eventually change.  I believe that.

I will keep on this Optifast Adventure and explore new issues that I come upon.  I will seek new strategies that will support ways of thinking that are truthful and that reinforce the strength that I know resides inside of me.  I know that this will nurture the thoughts and actions congruent with the life I desire.

Week 4 Weigh-In

241 lbs

Down six pounds for the week!  I feel like my body and mind are moving in the right direction, and I'm going to take a moment to enjoy this feeling because I know that I have been through times of frustration and uncertainty and will probably experience these again.

Tonight in my group we learned about using relaxation and visualization during times of cravings.  I enjoyed the sensation of breathing and will try this for sure. Now it's time to visualize sleep :-)

Resistance

I haven't even started fasting yet, but I'm already struggling with resistance.  My only Optifast job this week is to log my meals. It's a familiar feeling for me -  I know what I'm suppose to do but just keep putting it off.  Then that feeling of dread is mixed with guilt.  It reminds me of the Switchfoot song that talks about the war between "how it is and how it should be" and "who you are and who you could be".
Why do I do it?  I wonder if I'm afraid to acknowledge and take ownership of my diet, or if I'm resisting for other reasons.  It is something I need to think about over the course of the next few months.  There is also the issue of integrating a new habit and discipline into my life.  It is almost a "before" and "after" maintenance challenge.  Hopefully when I'm through with the fast, I will have worked out this self-imposed obstacle.

Time to get focused and get caught up.  If I'm going to be successful, I need to jump all of these hurdles and stay on track without falling on my face.  Resistance is futile.  I want to push through it and not let it derail my goals and dreams.  I'm thinking about kayaking, cute clothes, lower cholesterol, more energy, outdoor fun, fitting comfortably into an airplane seat. Okay, now it is time to get off of this computer and face the music.

Week 1 - First Group Meeting - Off I Go

257 lbs.

I had my first Optifast group meeting last night.  I had been counting down the days for this program to begin and now I'm officially started on this journey.  It had that "first day in a new school" feeling, knowing that I would be getting to know these people very well over the next 20 weeks.  There is also the fun of knowing that most of us are going to look very differently in a few weeks.  That's cool.

A few of the members were veterans of a previous 20 weeks, looking slim, but for them, needing to lose a few more pounds.  They shared their tips - Torani Sugar Free Syrup is a must- and reassured us that this phase of the program is do-able.  Their number one tip -- never, ever take that first bite while on the fast.  It will always lead to more, and will make it very difficult to re-commit to the program.  When I think about it, this is the most risky proposition for me.  I'm sure I will be tempted and tested many times.  I just hope I can stay strong when the time comes.

So now I will be recording my foods and feelings this week.  My official starting weight now, on last night's scale is 257 lbs.   So that's what I will consider the beginning weight going forward.

Cultivating the Soil - The Playlist

I feel like I've been cultivating the soil in anticipation of starting my Optifast program.  Tonight is the big night -- my first meeting with my group.  I get to meet the people I will go through this adventure with, and I'm sure we will get to know each other very well over the course of the next few months.  This is exciting!

When I joined the Y near my workplace and started working out every morning before work, I created an inspirational playlist on my iPhone that has really carried me and kept me on track.  It's not upbeat workout music, but rather more on the "music therapy" spectrum. When I listened to it on my way to the gym this morning, I wondered how the words of the songs might mean something different to me as I begin to confront my addictive eating and take on that challenge.  Here is the playlist in case it's of interest (I usually shuffle it):

• It's My Life - Bon Jovi
• Right Now - Van Halen
• Dare You to Move - Switchfoot 
• Star - Bryan Adams
• Working on a Dream - Bruce Springsteen
• The Rising - Bruce Springsteen
• Where the River Flows - Collective Soul
• True Colors - Cyndi Lauper
• The Age of Worry - John Mayer
• Learn How to Fall - Paul Simon
• Learned My Lessons - Jenny O.
• Shadow Days - John Mayer

I learned about the Switchfoot song when I Googled "Inspirational Playlists" and this is THE SONG that I think captures my journey the best.  I have no idea what else this group sings, but they nailed it with this one.

So this week I'll be recording my foods, drinking lots of water and basically getting ready for the fast that will follow in another week.  I'm scared, but ready.

Anticipation and worry...normal, right?

I've never blogged before, but after combing the web for personal experiences on Optifast, I decided that I would try and chronicle my Optifast adventure in hopes that I will find support, and even be able to offer support to others who embark on this adventure in the future.

On Thursday, Jaunary 2nd, 2014 I will attend my first support group meeting at Positive Choices in San Diego (through Kaiser Permanente).  My starting weight is 255 lbs. and I would like to lose about 115lbs to get to a weight that is in the healthy range for my height.  I've come to the decision to start Optifast out of a strong desire to live the second half of my life in a more fun and healthy way.  I'm middle aged and know that if I don't change things, some nasty health conditions might be on the horizon.  I'm tired of being uncomfortable in airplane seats, of worrying about the strength of chairs in public places.  I'd love to feel good at the beach and to engage in sports with my kids - wouldn't it be fun to be a surfing and kayaking mama?!  I envision more life in my years as the old saying goes.

I've also tried literally every diet out there.  Some have been successful (multiple times), and some were maddeningly slow and I eventually became discouraged and quit.  Some of you might be able to relate to this.  I thought my next step would surely be surgery, but after research and talking to some people, I've decided to postpone that decision and give Optifast a try first.  This is a pretty drastic step in an of itself.

Why Optifast.

Well, what gives me hope about this program is the intensive support and the collaboration with all of my doctors.  This is a very low calorie diet (VLCD), and requires monitoring weekly and blood work every two weeks.  There is also mandatory participation in weekly group support sessions.  These aren't the usual complaining-fests and discussions of ways to get around the diet.  It is my understanding that we will explore our addiction and examine our behaviors that lead to over-eating.  This is the aspect of the program that gives me the most hope, actually, and what I think makes this program a real contender to help me on a more permanent basis.

I'm nervous.

At this stage, a few days out, I'm nervous about whether I'll be able to live on 450 calories and still function as a mom and a professional.  On Optifast 70, I'll be drinking 5 shakes and that's it.  I'll also be allowed some broth twice a day.  Everything I've read online gives me hope that I won't be hungry on this diet phase, so I just need to have faith.  For the first week, I'll be eating regular food, but recording my food in a journal to go over with the dietitian. Then the following week I will begin the shakes.  After 20 weeks, if I haven't gotten within a few pounds of my goal (most likely) I will extend that phase and continue with the shakes until I get near my goal weight.  Then I transition back onto regular food for 6 weeks and then do maintenance for another 8 weeks.  So this is going to be an exciting, adventurous year for me!  I'm going to learn a lot, hopefully reprogram my brain a bit and develop new habits with a deeper understanding of why I overeat.

I'm very excited to start and am priming myself with visions of wearing cute clothes and being active and healthy with my family.  The unknown is scary for me, but I have to have faith.  I've told my family, closest friends and my closest co-worker, and have wonderful support from everyone, especially my sweet husband. It has been really touching to see all of them express their love and support.  I'm very lucky. Tomorrow, New Year's Eve, I'm going to clean out the house of unhealthy foods and start 2014 poised to make this journey a successful one.