Facing the Music is Always Good

I want to do a quick check-in after my "turn-around day" yesterday.  It was a great day and I want to share what I learned.

Last night I did my personal "walk of shame" and headed to the center for a Booster meeting.  I listened to my original music playlist, which immediately put my mind in a humble and open place around my weight.  The weigh in was brutal for me (late in the evening, you do the math) but since I had made peace with the increase, I didn't let it get to me.  I felt proud of myself for facing the music.

I was pleasantly surprised by a very meaningful and helpful meeting.  There were just two of us and the leader so we were really able to get to the heart of our anxiety and struggles around eating and maintaining.  The focus of the group was "Simplicity" and we talked about what that word means to us.  She shared the idea of viewing food as a "less is more" proposition, and encouraged us to focus on making beautiful, high quality, healthy choices, displayed creatively.

One of my take aways from the evening was the sense of how important my attitude is in this whole process.  If I am thankful and happy with the beautiful nourishing food before me, then I tend to be satisfied.  I know this about myself, and when I'm in a positive frame of mind about what I'm doing (with anything in life) I am more successful.

When I was on the full fast (treatment phase of this program), I viewed the shakes as a tool to keep me alive and to treat the symptoms of my obesity.  For the longest time, I stayed very true to the program with that positive focus, and it worked very well for me.  When I started thinking about what I was missing, I strayed towards the end.

My personal challenge with this new lifestyle is to keep a positive and thankful view of food.  It is neither the enemy, nor my savior.  It is nourishment, and can be a pleasant experience if I plan it that way.

Interestingly, after my instructor listened to my story and concerns, she picked up right away on how helpful it would be for me to plan out my meals ahead of time.  I know this is a common tool, but she expressed the suggestion as more of a way to plan for good things to eat, even nights out.  Make it a creative, and pleasant experience, and something to look forward to.

So my strategy will be to pre-plan with MyFitnessPal and do this with a positive outlook and look forward to the meals that I have planned.  This worked like a charm yesterday, but today I will do it with a smile on my face, and a grateful heart.

The moral of the story is that good things can happen when I put aside my self-imposed fear and shame and open myself up for help.  Weight is just a number, but ultimately I'm here to learn how to balance food and activity to support a healthy life and weight.  This is the life that I want for my future, so I'm going to keep positively focused on living it each day.

Diet and Exercise: Musing on the Adjustment

160 lbs. (scream weight!)

Warning:  This post is a bit of a ramble about my diet.

Since I returned from vacation, I've experienced a few changes that keep me thinking about the connection between diet and exercise (and the tweaking of food intake for optimal nutrition).  I'm also thinking about the blurred line between eating optimally for fuel, and eating for other pleasurable reasons.

Over the past few weeks, with my increase in exercise, I've slowly increased my calories.  When I increased my calories a few weeks ago, I was able to maintain my weight pretty well.  This told me that my metabolism was continuing to increase and recover from almost 40 weeks of a very low calorie diet.

But things have changed both behaviorally and perhaps metabolically for me the past few days.  This week I found myself eating a couple of extra servings of cottage cheese as a snack, I've been adding to my daily lunch salad some protein, dried cranberries, avocado and sprinkles of Gorgonzola and sunflower seeds, too.  All of these little add-ons (that also make my salad a decadent treat) have lots of calories.  At first, I was eating because I was famished on the days that I have my strength training class.  Those days had me hungry and scrambling for food throughout the day.  But now I wonder if I'm overdoing it by adding these treats daily.  Am I unconsciously adding in those treats as a reward for exercise?

When does a logical eating strategy turn into a pathway for old behaviors?

Well, I guess when I start justifying daily consumption of foods that I LOVE, such as cheese and dried cranberries!  I'm probably going to have to throw in cottage cheese as well, since I have gotten into the habit of adding a little Splenda and cocoa power for a sweet treat.

Where does exercise fit into this equation?  Well, here's where I might get myself turned around sometimes.  I've done some reading, and I'm learning in my maintenance class that it is beneficial to eat very soon after lifting and also it's important to have some carbs with that snack.  I'd been avoiding grains for the most part, but for the past week or so I started having a piece or two of whole wheat bread with natural peanut butter (yummy and also high calorie!)  I'm pairing my carb with a fat or protein just like my class suggested, but I wonder if that yummy combination of a carb and peanut butter might be too much of a trigger food for me.

Maintenance is a learning experience for sure.

I have to call myself out when I see certain snacking and eating behaviors creep back into my life and when the result is an uptick in the scale.  Eating whole wheat bread and natural peanut butter (and measuring and logging the calories) may not seem like an issue to many people.  For those who subscribe to the notion that a calorie = a calorie, they would look at my diet and say "she's eating too many calories for her energy needs, so of course she's gaining weight."  They would be partially right, of course.  But I think our bodies are more complex.

What I've learned about myself in the weight loss process is that I DO experience emotional reactions to foods that make me want to eat more (perhaps those are even hormonally triggered and can be managed with food choices.)  I don't know the answers yet.  I'm just now truthfully trying to identify those foods and deciding how I'm going to handle it.  Whether it's through abstinence, mindfulness, distraction techniques, or other ways of moving away from food when I'm not hungry, I'm going to try and be honest with myself and figure out the best way to manage my "head" issues around food.

I also realize that I'm still healing from my fast, and that it may take some time for my body to adjust to the ups and downs of exercise, hormones, new foods, etc.  So I'm trying not to have too much of a knee-jerk response to all of this.  I have to look at it objectively, scientifically, and with a long-term view that this is a process that I may be wrestling with forever.  That's fine with me, as long as I can successfully switch gears and get back down to a healthy weight when it starts creeping up.

Resistance

I haven't even started fasting yet, but I'm already struggling with resistance.  My only Optifast job this week is to log my meals. It's a familiar feeling for me -  I know what I'm suppose to do but just keep putting it off.  Then that feeling of dread is mixed with guilt.  It reminds me of the Switchfoot song that talks about the war between "how it is and how it should be" and "who you are and who you could be".
Why do I do it?  I wonder if I'm afraid to acknowledge and take ownership of my diet, or if I'm resisting for other reasons.  It is something I need to think about over the course of the next few months.  There is also the issue of integrating a new habit and discipline into my life.  It is almost a "before" and "after" maintenance challenge.  Hopefully when I'm through with the fast, I will have worked out this self-imposed obstacle.

Time to get focused and get caught up.  If I'm going to be successful, I need to jump all of these hurdles and stay on track without falling on my face.  Resistance is futile.  I want to push through it and not let it derail my goals and dreams.  I'm thinking about kayaking, cute clothes, lower cholesterol, more energy, outdoor fun, fitting comfortably into an airplane seat. Okay, now it is time to get off of this computer and face the music.