Diet and Exercise: Musing on the Adjustment

160 lbs. (scream weight!)

Warning:  This post is a bit of a ramble about my diet.

Since I returned from vacation, I've experienced a few changes that keep me thinking about the connection between diet and exercise (and the tweaking of food intake for optimal nutrition).  I'm also thinking about the blurred line between eating optimally for fuel, and eating for other pleasurable reasons.

Over the past few weeks, with my increase in exercise, I've slowly increased my calories.  When I increased my calories a few weeks ago, I was able to maintain my weight pretty well.  This told me that my metabolism was continuing to increase and recover from almost 40 weeks of a very low calorie diet.

But things have changed both behaviorally and perhaps metabolically for me the past few days.  This week I found myself eating a couple of extra servings of cottage cheese as a snack, I've been adding to my daily lunch salad some protein, dried cranberries, avocado and sprinkles of Gorgonzola and sunflower seeds, too.  All of these little add-ons (that also make my salad a decadent treat) have lots of calories.  At first, I was eating because I was famished on the days that I have my strength training class.  Those days had me hungry and scrambling for food throughout the day.  But now I wonder if I'm overdoing it by adding these treats daily.  Am I unconsciously adding in those treats as a reward for exercise?

When does a logical eating strategy turn into a pathway for old behaviors?

Well, I guess when I start justifying daily consumption of foods that I LOVE, such as cheese and dried cranberries!  I'm probably going to have to throw in cottage cheese as well, since I have gotten into the habit of adding a little Splenda and cocoa power for a sweet treat.

Where does exercise fit into this equation?  Well, here's where I might get myself turned around sometimes.  I've done some reading, and I'm learning in my maintenance class that it is beneficial to eat very soon after lifting and also it's important to have some carbs with that snack.  I'd been avoiding grains for the most part, but for the past week or so I started having a piece or two of whole wheat bread with natural peanut butter (yummy and also high calorie!)  I'm pairing my carb with a fat or protein just like my class suggested, but I wonder if that yummy combination of a carb and peanut butter might be too much of a trigger food for me.

Maintenance is a learning experience for sure.

I have to call myself out when I see certain snacking and eating behaviors creep back into my life and when the result is an uptick in the scale.  Eating whole wheat bread and natural peanut butter (and measuring and logging the calories) may not seem like an issue to many people.  For those who subscribe to the notion that a calorie = a calorie, they would look at my diet and say "she's eating too many calories for her energy needs, so of course she's gaining weight."  They would be partially right, of course.  But I think our bodies are more complex.

What I've learned about myself in the weight loss process is that I DO experience emotional reactions to foods that make me want to eat more (perhaps those are even hormonally triggered and can be managed with food choices.)  I don't know the answers yet.  I'm just now truthfully trying to identify those foods and deciding how I'm going to handle it.  Whether it's through abstinence, mindfulness, distraction techniques, or other ways of moving away from food when I'm not hungry, I'm going to try and be honest with myself and figure out the best way to manage my "head" issues around food.

I also realize that I'm still healing from my fast, and that it may take some time for my body to adjust to the ups and downs of exercise, hormones, new foods, etc.  So I'm trying not to have too much of a knee-jerk response to all of this.  I have to look at it objectively, scientifically, and with a long-term view that this is a process that I may be wrestling with forever.  That's fine with me, as long as I can successfully switch gears and get back down to a healthy weight when it starts creeping up.

Food for Thought and the "Screech to a Halt" Weight

I'm still working on and struggling with this transition back to food.  Even though I've never lost THIS much weight before (and I'm thrilled about it!), I've been yoyo-ing long enough to know how quickly weight comes back on relative to how long it takes to lose it.  I've traveled that road many times.  It is a terrible route to take and the scenery is ugly and unpleasant.

Last night I stepped on the scale before bedtime and it read 160 lbs.  This, my friends, is my "scream weight" or "screech to a halt" weight.  Whatever you want to call it, this is the weight that I said would be the red line that I never wanted to cross.  So, you might ask, "Christy, what the heck is happening?"

Here are the gory details.  For the past 3 weeks I thought I was smarter than my clinic, and unlike the thousands of clients who have gone through the program before me, the rules of transition didn't really apply to me.   I mean, avocados are healthy, and having a half of one on my daily salad can't be a bad thing.  It's a superfood.  Then there is the cheese.  It's dairy, right?  I can count it as a dairy if it's low fat- but 1 2/3 cups in one day? Not that portion.  Roasted pumpkin seeds -- not on the list, even if I do measure them out and count them on MyFitnessPal.  Then the Redi Whip that is in the fridge.  We use it to give my son some meds that he takes on a daily basis.  I was able to look past it all during the fast, but a few times recently I rationalized a few tablespoons.  Some foods are healthy and will eventually work their way back into my diet, but just not right now.  Some foods I'll have to evaluate and see if they can be kept around.

Then there was the Saturday afternoon at home watching a chick flick.  Hubby is out of town.  I went into my garage to get a Diet Coke.  A bag tipped over, and in it were leftover beach snacks from the birthday bonfire.  A box of Trader Joe's Ginger Snaps.  MMmm.  Nooooooooo!  Okay, maybe a couple.  That turned into 15 cookies, and yes, if you give a girl a cookie, she's gonna want a glass of milk, right?

I didn't give the full weight (pun intended) to my behavior until I ate the cookies last night.  I felt that old shame cycle starting to creep up again and knew that I needed to put a stop to it quickly.  First, I walked the cookies and cheese out to the dumpster.  Cheese has been calling out to me for a couple of months now, and I just can't have it around.    I would say that it's a "trigger" food and is something I crave without good willpower.  The mozzarella sticks don't seem to tempt me, just the cheddar and fancy stuff.  So I kept the sticks.

Then I laced up my shoes and enlisted a kid to come with me while I went on a walk/jog at the park.  That was what I needed.  My stomach felt full and almost bursting, but I told myself that I would just put on my bad ass music and walk.  It wasn't long before I took some jogging intervals, and then suddenly the obese Christy was fading away again, and the athletic Christy was stepping up to the plate.  I was feeling stronger and my head was feeling clearer.  I wasn't castigating myself in my mind over the food, but my mind was going to a very positive, strong place.

So which Christy is the one I'm going to feed and impart power?  I'm voting for bad ass running Christy.  I may have to throw out more food in the future, but I am not going back to out-of-breath, unhappy, embarrassed, pained, unhealthy Christy.  Bless her heart, she was trying her best to live, but it was really, really hard and NOT too much fun.  That woman is still there beneath the surface, her memory is still very fresh and her habits are, too.

I don't hate that person I used to be.  I understand the impulses that led to a lifetime of obesity, and I've learned to see them earlier in me now, and take notice and action.  I see that particular part of me as someone I want to keep dormant and as quiet as possible.  I understand that this is going to take time for me, and she may live within me always, even if I am able to silence her the majority of the time.

I know I posted this meme before, but it sure comes to mind today as I reflect on my transition to food.




So today I am back to making healthy, mindful choices.  I've had a few of these, and I'm pleased with each day I'm able to keep to my program.  It's not just a giant freak-out fest over here.  I'm just doing my best today, and I'll do my best tomorrow as well.  I think I'll have the most success with that if I honestly face my actions, talk about them, and then come up with new strategies.

I hope this blog doesn't begin to sound like a broken record every time I come here and process my food behaviors.  If it does, I'm sorry.  I may have to put a disclaimer up at the top.

Warning:  Rehashing the same familiar food behaviors, and trying like crazy to get better.

Edit (9/15):  Today there was an excellent post on Fit to the Finish about Scale Creep.  It provides encouragement to take action when the numbers creep up.  

Week 36 Weigh-In: Setting Healthy Boundaries

155 lbs. (FYI, the MFP ticker to the right represents my morning weight - this one is 6pm at the clinic)

A good chunk of last night's Optifast meeting focused on me.  This was the first time my issues took up much of the spotlight, but it seems the theme of my struggles resonated with many in my group.  They were able to give me some perspective and some really good suggestions as well.

I shared some past and current painful experiences with my older sister, including my binge that followed her recent visit.  I've been to therapy about this relationship, but this past visit had a situation that involved my son, and I think it brought back a flood of negative memories and feelings from when I was his age.

I'm not going to go into details here, but the gist of my discussions with the group involved writing and speaking aloud my negative experiences (which I did), and setting up appropriate boundaries around the relationship (which I'm developing a plan for, and think I have a strategy for future encounters.)

It is not in my family's tradition to cut someone off fully, but I do feel like I can create a life with fewer interactions, and be direct about keeping boundaries when they are being breached.

My husband and I have a trip planned close to where she lives, and I've made the decision to only make arrangements to pop by to see her on the way to the airport, if we have time.  I'm not going to make an effort to carve out time in this precious trip that we are taking, to visit with her.  This may sound harsh, but it is important for me to honor my feelings and experiences and minimize exposure to someone who causes me emotional harm.  She also has a history of spending lots of time working during family gatherings, so I know it won't be completely out of left field for us to not be able to get together when I'm nearby.

Someday it may be important for me to speak to her directly about how her behavior in the past and present is hurtful to me, but in truth, I know that she is incapable of processing the information and it would only be for my benefit.  I'll probably know if the time is right to do this.

Lots of my classmates are showing their bravery in family situations and standing up for their healthy best interest.  Speaking up for ourselves is important on a psychological level, and whether the person we are speaking to agrees with us or not, we are entitled to our perspective and to make the choices that are best for us.  The more I learn to do this on a regular basis, the less likely I will be to stuff down my feelings with food.  I'm going to need to practice awareness and figure out what to do with myself when I want to run to the fridge.

On the food front, I'm feeling terrific as I've added protein, vegetables and salad to my daily diet.  I love the extra energy and more vigorous workouts.  My oldest son is doing the C25K app with me and it's really wonderful to share the experience with him.  Two of the days we run are in the evening, and I feel much safer running with him at our nearby park.  It's also a great bonding experience to have with my 15 year old introvert.  It warms my heart knowing that he is enjoying it too.

My husband and I will also be taking long walks/hikes together a couple of times per week which is going to be nice.   He works from home now and our plan to is to head to the trails right after we drop off our kids at their schools.

I'm going to be speeding up my weaning off the shakes, and am on course to be completely off of them in two weeks.  At that time I'll be qualified to transfer into the next Maintenance Class, and will be spending some time building up my metabolism and slowly increasing my calories from the 1000 calorie level (post-shakes).  I'm looking forward to it and believe that this will take me to my goal weight and then I can work up to a maintenance level of calories.  I don't know exactly how it will work, but I'll figure it out with the help of the clinic counselors.

Practicing Peace in Times of War

I just read this wonderful quote by Pema Chodron, taken from her book Practicing Peace in Times of War and quoted from the Shambhala Blog)

When you’re like a keg of dynamite just about to go off, patience means just slowing down at that point—just pausing—instead of immediately acting on your usual, habitual response. You refrain from acting, you stop talking to yourself, and then you connect with the soft spot. But at the same time you are completely and totally honest with yourself about what you are feeling. You’re not suppressing anything; patience has nothing to do with suppression. In fact, it has everything to do with a gentle, honest relationship with yourself. If you wait and don’t fuel the rage with your thoughts, you can be very honest about the fact that you long for revenge; nevertheless you keep interrupting the torturous story line and stay with the underlying vulnerability. That frustration, that uneasiness and vulnerability, is nothing solid. And yet it is painful to experience. Still, just wait and be patient with your anguish and with the discomfort of it. This means relaxing with that restless, hot energy—knowing that it’s the only way to find peace for ourselves or the world.

This mindfulness practice has been very helpful to me as I work through the uncertainties of my life, and the stresses caused by sudden change.  I won't lie to you - I've been drawn to food.  I've felt like I was moving against a familiar and dangerous current trying to sweep me away.  My old unhealthy coping strategies are pushing against the new direction and momentum I've developed these past few months.  This has been a good test.  I'm choosing to feel the feelings, talk about them and write about them, and I can't believe that it's helping.  I'm strong enough to move through the current and get to safety.

Life isn't all rage and anguish.  We're figuring things out and some of it is very exciting.  And I still have the daily pleasures of a kind husband, sweet kids, a growing garden, a smaller/healthier body, my first private practice client, and the peacefulness of walking during a pale pink sunset.

I don't take those good things for granted.

I hope you all are doing well on your own healthy adventures, and I wish you the very best.

Week 21 Weigh-In and a Quick Status

192 lbs

I had a small loss this week, but I have to say that it wasn't my best self-care week overall.  For several days now (since the fires), I haven't slept very well.  On Monday my youngest son had a sudden seizure and we were in the ER for quite some time, and it was very stressful.  He had a seizure a couple of years ago, so when it happened again, I recognized what was going on and I remained calm.  Unfortunately my husband was travelling and so all of this happened when I was flying solo.  Luckily my little guy is doing better, and he will go in for tests next week.  I hope that they find out what is going on this time around.

Since last week's fires, I also haven't been back to the gym.  I know this isn't good, and I'm feeling the effects of the stress without that wonderful physical outlet (developed a wicked cold sore on my lip.)   I did join the YMCA near my home, so this weekend, my goal is to get one workout in, and then start working out next week at least 3 times.  The good news is that my last day of work is tomorrow -- yippee!  So now I have a clean slate to establish a new exercise routine.

It's precisely during these life changes and ups and downs when I need to get really, really focused on my health goals.  I'm seeing how easy it is to let exercise fall by the wayside in the face of fatigue, stress and changes in routine.  For some reason, my water intake tapered off as well.  These are duly noted behavior changes.  I'm just going to get back into the swing of things.

Finally, I started a new Optifast group tonight, and they seem like a nice bunch.  I look forward to getting to know them, and learning from their experiences too.  Some of the class might be a repeat of what I did last time, but I'm changing on the inside as well as the outside, and I'm sure my way of approaching challenges and memories have evolved.

Week 20 Weigh-In: "Red Flag" Behavior and Deciding to Stop It

193 lbs

This has been a very stressful week for me, and I've really been faced with my demons.  We have been dealing with an unbelievable number of fires in my community, and even as I type this, my house is on the edge of an evacuation zone and we have the car packed in case we need to leave fast.  All week the weather has been hot, dry and windy -- the worst possible scenario for fires.  This isn't my first experience with fire (they are common here), but last time there was a major fire event, we lost our home.  So I was faced with a range of emotions -- the rational side of me didn't want to freak out or over-react as I'm trying to stay calm for my kids.  However inside, I feel extremely anxious, churned up and hyper vigilant.  Yesterday, when 9 fires broke out across the city, I did something that was instantly recognizable as a "red flag" behavior (bad pun, I know).  I walked to the fridge and opened it.  Simple as that.  I was instantly aware that I was doing this because in that moment I was feeling anxious, helpless and overwhelmed.  I surprised myself when a stronger feeling of dedication to my weight loss prevailed.  I talked myself out of eating in that moment.  I knew this was a destructive behavior that, unless curtailed, would get in the way of weight loss, future weight maintenance, and the life that I want to lead with a leaner body.

In addition to these fires, I'm also experiencing stress at work.  My departure coincided with a reorganization, and this is causing some stress among my staff.  I know that I didn't cause it - they would have reorganized if I had stayed, but because I'm on my way out it makes me feel sad that I can't advocate for them.  Power playing is taking place, and some micro-managing and controlling personalities have moved in during this transition.  I wasn't involved or consulted in the decision making -- in fact they stepped in with the new supervisory measures today while I was home with my kids, who had school cancellations.  I feel sad for my staff, and all I could do during texts and phone calls today was to be as encouraging as possible.

As I write this, I think I'm seeing a pattern.  In the face of personal stress and emotion, I have stifled my feelings in order to help others feel better.  I'm not sure that's a bad thing all the time (cooler heads must prevail sometimes), but this time I'm getting my feelings out by writing about them in this blog and acknowledging them.

Life happens, no doubt about it.  I'm going to have struggles with my family, random natural disasters, loss, hormone spikes (haha), and stress.  Whatever.  I just need to keep swimming and be aware of my feelings.  If my core desire is to be healthy, I'm going to try very very hard to recall that vision for myself in those moments that I want to feed my feelings instead of getting them out. Maybe all those times I was looking to feed them, all I really needed to do was to bring them out and pay attention to them.   I may not succeed 100% of the time with this.  The real test will be to see how I manage to get back on the right path immediately following the unhealthy behavior.

I'll take this recent test as a good first step toward self-awareness.

Week 10 Weigh In: Holding Steady

223 lbs.

I have been underground this week handling a few crazy life challenges that have popped up.  My husband has been traveling a lot, and this week's trip coincided with a busy time at my work and some busy events with my kids - requiring me to do some frenetic juggling to meet all of my obligations.  Any working parent out there will be able to relate to these cycles of chaos.  Heck we all have those times in our own ways.  I also received word that my Uncle died, so I'll be flying out to Kansas City this weekend for the funeral.  All day between work, soccer games, and my Optifast meeting I was receiving texts from my siblings, trying to coordinate flights (we all live in the West).  My husband has been a wonderful help with all of this coordination (especially while I was away for 3 hours at my meeting tonight).  So I was thinking tonight that weeks like these would have triggered massive amounts of stress eating if I weren't currently on a strict program.  Thank goodness for that.

Although I found it difficult to fully focus during my meeting tonight, it was a pretty good one and gave me something to think about.  We discussed our public "mask" vs. our private inner-life.  I may project a confident, positive, professional and happy person on the outside, but when I'm in private, I feel the stress of my life, suffer from disorganization, feel rushed and often inadequate.  Feeling stressed and rushed has often been the trigger for my overeating, and I indulge in it while in private or in my home.  So which is the real me?  Maybe both?  I left the meeting feeling like it is possible to let the two sides of my persona interact with one another and maybe strengthen my ability to manage my life and emotions, and make a healthy decision not to eat when I am hyped up on stress.  After all, the one thing I AM able to control is my eating, and I can learn to feel confident in my ability to stave off that impulse.  I can perhaps come home feeling more positive that I can tackle that pile of school papers and find that permission slip that got buried.  Maybe even take a few minutes to think of a better system of organizing those things when they come into the house.

In my outside "got it under control" persona, maybe I can learn to make better choices that will lessen the stress an disorganization that trickles down into my private life.  I'm starting to do that more, I must admit, and have taken more vacation time to do ordinary things and just rest.  But I'm sure there are better logistical decisions I can make that will also help and I'll need to keep working on that.  I need to keep practicing this type of self care.

Maybe some of you in the Kaiser Optifast program have some better examples, so feel free to share them in the comments section.

Back to my weekend plans, I will get to test my mettle for staying on the program while traveling.  I'll pack my blender bottle, powder, water bottle and my favorite tea.  I'm going to set my phone alarm to remind me to drink.  My main focus will be to stick to my eating program.  Wish me luck.

Week 8 Weigh In

226.5

Officially 30.5 pounds down baby!

Tonight in our class, I wrote a break-up letter to a food that I find irresistible -- chips.  Acknowledging that chips are a food that I can't control myself around, I had been thinking of this break-up for a while.  I could have chosen a number of foods for this exercise.  Why not cookies, caramel popcorn, M&Ms and the like?  But I think I chose chips unconsciously because in my mind I can come up with a "plan B" around them.  Bring veggie trays everywhere and don't sit next to the chip bowl - sounds like a strategy. It's a great exercise, but I certainly couldn't give up every food that I compulsively overeat.  If I'm going to be able to maintain weight loss, I'm going to have to get down to the root of my compulsive overeating.  Yes there are trigger foods to avoid, but I also need to quit using those foods to make me feel good.  Food addiction is complicated since we can't just give it all up forever cold turkey.  I've given it up now for an important reason, and this break is giving me the space to explore my cravings, impulses and feelings around food.  But at some point I'll be forging a new relationship with food and face the temptations head-on.

Some people in the group couldn't bring themselves to write the letter.  Their food was connected to powerful memories of people they loved or gatherings that they enjoy.  Rejection of the food feels like a rejection of the person/memory.

I'm humbled by how emotional and complicated this journey is.  I'm thankful that I'm able gain deeper insights into my own feelings and issues by listening to my colleagues.  I appreciate this village of people who are being honest together.