Food for Thought and the "Screech to a Halt" Weight

I'm still working on and struggling with this transition back to food.  Even though I've never lost THIS much weight before (and I'm thrilled about it!), I've been yoyo-ing long enough to know how quickly weight comes back on relative to how long it takes to lose it.  I've traveled that road many times.  It is a terrible route to take and the scenery is ugly and unpleasant.

Last night I stepped on the scale before bedtime and it read 160 lbs.  This, my friends, is my "scream weight" or "screech to a halt" weight.  Whatever you want to call it, this is the weight that I said would be the red line that I never wanted to cross.  So, you might ask, "Christy, what the heck is happening?"

Here are the gory details.  For the past 3 weeks I thought I was smarter than my clinic, and unlike the thousands of clients who have gone through the program before me, the rules of transition didn't really apply to me.   I mean, avocados are healthy, and having a half of one on my daily salad can't be a bad thing.  It's a superfood.  Then there is the cheese.  It's dairy, right?  I can count it as a dairy if it's low fat- but 1 2/3 cups in one day? Not that portion.  Roasted pumpkin seeds -- not on the list, even if I do measure them out and count them on MyFitnessPal.  Then the Redi Whip that is in the fridge.  We use it to give my son some meds that he takes on a daily basis.  I was able to look past it all during the fast, but a few times recently I rationalized a few tablespoons.  Some foods are healthy and will eventually work their way back into my diet, but just not right now.  Some foods I'll have to evaluate and see if they can be kept around.

Then there was the Saturday afternoon at home watching a chick flick.  Hubby is out of town.  I went into my garage to get a Diet Coke.  A bag tipped over, and in it were leftover beach snacks from the birthday bonfire.  A box of Trader Joe's Ginger Snaps.  MMmm.  Nooooooooo!  Okay, maybe a couple.  That turned into 15 cookies, and yes, if you give a girl a cookie, she's gonna want a glass of milk, right?

I didn't give the full weight (pun intended) to my behavior until I ate the cookies last night.  I felt that old shame cycle starting to creep up again and knew that I needed to put a stop to it quickly.  First, I walked the cookies and cheese out to the dumpster.  Cheese has been calling out to me for a couple of months now, and I just can't have it around.    I would say that it's a "trigger" food and is something I crave without good willpower.  The mozzarella sticks don't seem to tempt me, just the cheddar and fancy stuff.  So I kept the sticks.

Then I laced up my shoes and enlisted a kid to come with me while I went on a walk/jog at the park.  That was what I needed.  My stomach felt full and almost bursting, but I told myself that I would just put on my bad ass music and walk.  It wasn't long before I took some jogging intervals, and then suddenly the obese Christy was fading away again, and the athletic Christy was stepping up to the plate.  I was feeling stronger and my head was feeling clearer.  I wasn't castigating myself in my mind over the food, but my mind was going to a very positive, strong place.

So which Christy is the one I'm going to feed and impart power?  I'm voting for bad ass running Christy.  I may have to throw out more food in the future, but I am not going back to out-of-breath, unhappy, embarrassed, pained, unhealthy Christy.  Bless her heart, she was trying her best to live, but it was really, really hard and NOT too much fun.  That woman is still there beneath the surface, her memory is still very fresh and her habits are, too.

I don't hate that person I used to be.  I understand the impulses that led to a lifetime of obesity, and I've learned to see them earlier in me now, and take notice and action.  I see that particular part of me as someone I want to keep dormant and as quiet as possible.  I understand that this is going to take time for me, and she may live within me always, even if I am able to silence her the majority of the time.

I know I posted this meme before, but it sure comes to mind today as I reflect on my transition to food.




So today I am back to making healthy, mindful choices.  I've had a few of these, and I'm pleased with each day I'm able to keep to my program.  It's not just a giant freak-out fest over here.  I'm just doing my best today, and I'll do my best tomorrow as well.  I think I'll have the most success with that if I honestly face my actions, talk about them, and then come up with new strategies.

I hope this blog doesn't begin to sound like a broken record every time I come here and process my food behaviors.  If it does, I'm sorry.  I may have to put a disclaimer up at the top.

Warning:  Rehashing the same familiar food behaviors, and trying like crazy to get better.

Edit (9/15):  Today there was an excellent post on Fit to the Finish about Scale Creep.  It provides encouragement to take action when the numbers creep up.  

A Chink In My Armour

I'm almost 25 weeks into my fast, and I have to confess that I couldn't stay completely strong.  Here's the deal.  I've been thinking about food (a lot.)  Thinking about my life after the fast (a lot).  My life has been stressful, and old currents are pushing up against me.  I didn't binge or anything, but I started tasting my kids' food as I cook. I've done this a couple of times -- a zucchini slice here, a morsel of taco meat there.  I don't think this is earth-shattering or anything, but I see it as a sign of a familiar slippery slope that I need to push back on and investigate.

Regardless of how "on program" I've been in the past.  Here and now, I'm making choices that aren't "on program".  It reminds me of all of my past attempts at dieting.  It starts with a rationalization, and I can hear my voice saying "I've been so good, and this one time won't hurt.  It looks SO delicious!"  I have to ask myself now if those rationalizations got me to my goal or derailed me.  They derailed me for sure, because I didn't stop and analyze them and their cumulative impact on my future health.  It's not about the amount of food, but it's about the pattern of behavior.

Since I'm farther ahead in my weight loss than I've been in recent memory, am I afraid of weight loss success?  I'm noticing more looks and a slight difference in how people interact with me, and I have to ask myself if this is something that is upsetting me on some level.  Those thoughts have crossed my mind.  Am I unconsciously sabotaging my efforts?  Maybe on all of it, or maybe this is an experience and lesson that I need to learn from.  Since my weight has been an issue almost all of my life, there are some challenges and crossroads that keep emerging, and I think this is one of those opportunities.  I need to make different choices to bring on a different result, and I need to have an honest conversation with myself about my goals.

I feel like as I get to be a more "normal" size, my focus is wavering.  But truth is, I'm still at least 35 pounds from my goal.  So close yet so far away.  And once I get to my goal weight, there will be the challenge of maintaining.  It's not the size of the transgression, it's about the action.  As I face these daily choices, my goal is to choose the option that supports my health and well being.  I don't want to feel like that decision is earth-shattering every time it presents itself.  I would love for that choice to come naturally, without ominous music playing in the background.  Perhaps that will take some time, so I'd better just accept the ominous music and "what will she do next?" plot twist for now.  With practice, maybe it will smooth out.  It is what it is.

So far today has gone well.  Cooking seems to be my downfall lately, so maybe today I'll take a break from it and try and regroup.  Walk away from the temptation without falling.  I think just by writing about this experience, I'm feeling better.  My hope for this blog is to chronicle my weight loss experience in all of it's ups and downs.  This is one of those challenging times.