Diet Hardball and Happy Hiking

During the past few days I have slowly gotten my groove back.  I am in the process of getting back into ketosis, and getting my workouts in.  I'm trying to approach this with a spirit of enthusiasm.

There have been a number of positive influences on me in the past week.  A number of my blogger friends have posted about food addiction and eating.  Here is a great post by my friend Wendy at Fitter At Fourtyish "A New Dietary Paradigm", and one from Gwen at The Sunny Coconut "My Observations on Deprivation in Maintenance." 

Wendy reported on a recent Low Carb/High Fat Summit held in Cape Town, South Africa this week.  Scientists and physicians from all over the world met to discuss their new findings and issue a call for further research on a LCHF diet to treat obesity.  Yes!  I think the research is starting to trickle in and it looks promising.  It is a nice read if you get the chance.

Gwen took the time to address the reality that for some, moderation just isn't going to work.  For many of us, myself included, we just can't eat certain foods that are triggers for our food addiction.  This is something that I've been giving serious self-reflection time to.  I know in my heart, at this time, that there are certain foods that trigger a flood of overeating.  Foods that I keep going back to.  I liked Gwen's "put your big kid pants on" approach to making food choices.  Ultimately we are all responsible for making the choices that we we know to be the most healthy for us.  Sometimes those choices are hard, but that's life.

I gave some thought to both of those issues.  I know that by and large, I need to decrease my carbs.  Bread, peanut butter and cereal are trigger foods for me.  I want them, and when I eat them, I can't stop myself.  It is a scientific fact that carbs, especially refined carbs, cause insulin spikes that lead to weight gain.  Barbara Berkeley, in her book "Refuse to Regain"  saw this time and again with her formerly obese patients.  A body that has lost lots of weight wants to regain that weight and is very receptive to insulin spikes.  So I have to put my big girl pants on, and if I love living a healthy, active, slim life, I need to abstain from certain foods. It is what it is, even though I might go through times trying to justify "trying moderation".  Nope, I can't do that, and really, it's not the end of the world.  It's not like I won't find other wonderful foods to enjoy in my life.  As many have said, the longer you live without something, the less you want it.  I look forward to feeling that way, but I'm in the withdrawal phase right now.  Another great blogger who has a steel spine when it comes to abstinence is Karen at Garden Girl.  She just finished two interesting posts on food addiction.  You should take a peek at her story if you need to bolster your resolve.

Sometimes when I'm feeling low and out of control with regard to my diet, I watch "My 600 Pound Life."  This week I watched an episode (while jogging in place to get some exercise - LOL), and watched in admiration when someone with unimaginable obstacles managed to own up to the fact that they are going to have strong cravings for foods, but they just won't be able to eat them anymore.  Some of the people featured on that show achieve, in my mind, miraculous life changes - not just physical, but emotional.

Sometime though, there are people who have such deeply entrenched denial that they have convinced themselves that they aren't overeating, and are surprised at why they can't lose weight.  I recognize that behavior in me sometimes.  Since I began this journey, I have been better able to call myself on that bullshit.  It's a hopeful sign when I can own up to my behavioral resistance, and forgive and move on in a more positive but firm mindset. In the past, I'd spend far too much time feeling shame, and getting stuck in those behaviors.

So those are my ramblings about my diet these days.  You are a saint for reading this far.

Now on to exercise.

I am blessed to live in a mild climate, so while much of the country is socked in with snow, I've been able to exercise outside.  I've had several lovely hikes that really blew me away.  They were TOUGH, but totally worth it.  My hiking buddy, Mary and I try and hit a trail each week.  Here are some photos from two wonderful hikes.

On the way up to the top of Mt. Woodson and Potato Chip Rock.   Steep, straight-up hike that was about 4 miles round trip (due to parking farther away).  But beautiful and totally worth it!

I collect heart-shaped rocks, and found this on the trail.  The pic was taken at the top of Iron Mountain.  A six mile hike with beautiful terrain, wildflowers and vistas.  A great workout, too. 

I've also been strength training and challenging myself on the treadmill at the gym.  I am finally able to run 2 miles without walking.  Yay for progress!  Thank God for kick-ass music lists that literally carry me on my walking/running workouts, and make me feel like some kind of athletic goddess in my own mind.  I love it!

That's all for me.  I'm still in the game and I'll keep you posted about my journey into ketosis.  I'll post my weight next time -- I'm up about 5 pounds, unfortunately.  

Today's Tools

Each morning after I've prepared lunches, fed breakfast to my children and had my coffee, I sit down for a few minutes before the mad rush and read a couple of blogs featured on my sidebar.  Off and on by the end of the day I get through most of them.

This morning I am supremely grateful that I read Zen Habits' post on Savor Discipline:  Merge the Interests of your Present and Future Selves.  If you are conscious of the argument taking place inside your mind when you are craving something unhealthy, then this is a good little post to read.  My takeaway was an ah-ha about the many, many future selves that are impacted by my immediate choices.  Leo Babauta beautifully proposes a new way to view your immediate choices, sometimes allowing your present self to enjoy the treat, necessitating your future selves to choose the carrot or healthy option.  Most times, though, we can forego immediate pleasure and seek and find pleasure in the healthy foods that will support a healthy and fit life.  Bingo!  This is what I'm seeking to do more of in my life.  Experiencing the pleasure in a bowl of ripe berries.

When I completed the full fast and was reintroducing food, I can't tell you how much pleasure I felt in eating a beautiful salad, a strawberry, or an avocado.  It was incredible to enjoy chewing and tasting the subtle flavors of these healthy foods.

Truthfully, there have been a couple of times since the fast when the donut looked good, and I had one.  I'll be honest and say that the grease tasted terrible.  My memory of eating donuts was much happier than than the pleasure of the present experience eating it.  It is important to make note of that.  It's just food, after all, and if I can develop new pleasurable memories associated with healthy foods, then I think it will pave the way for a healthier life without feeling like I'm sacrificing anything.   I think those new memories will come from repeated mindful experiences enjoying those foods.  I'll work on it.

Facing the Music is Always Good

I want to do a quick check-in after my "turn-around day" yesterday.  It was a great day and I want to share what I learned.

Last night I did my personal "walk of shame" and headed to the center for a Booster meeting.  I listened to my original music playlist, which immediately put my mind in a humble and open place around my weight.  The weigh in was brutal for me (late in the evening, you do the math) but since I had made peace with the increase, I didn't let it get to me.  I felt proud of myself for facing the music.

I was pleasantly surprised by a very meaningful and helpful meeting.  There were just two of us and the leader so we were really able to get to the heart of our anxiety and struggles around eating and maintaining.  The focus of the group was "Simplicity" and we talked about what that word means to us.  She shared the idea of viewing food as a "less is more" proposition, and encouraged us to focus on making beautiful, high quality, healthy choices, displayed creatively.

One of my take aways from the evening was the sense of how important my attitude is in this whole process.  If I am thankful and happy with the beautiful nourishing food before me, then I tend to be satisfied.  I know this about myself, and when I'm in a positive frame of mind about what I'm doing (with anything in life) I am more successful.

When I was on the full fast (treatment phase of this program), I viewed the shakes as a tool to keep me alive and to treat the symptoms of my obesity.  For the longest time, I stayed very true to the program with that positive focus, and it worked very well for me.  When I started thinking about what I was missing, I strayed towards the end.

My personal challenge with this new lifestyle is to keep a positive and thankful view of food.  It is neither the enemy, nor my savior.  It is nourishment, and can be a pleasant experience if I plan it that way.

Interestingly, after my instructor listened to my story and concerns, she picked up right away on how helpful it would be for me to plan out my meals ahead of time.  I know this is a common tool, but she expressed the suggestion as more of a way to plan for good things to eat, even nights out.  Make it a creative, and pleasant experience, and something to look forward to.

So my strategy will be to pre-plan with MyFitnessPal and do this with a positive outlook and look forward to the meals that I have planned.  This worked like a charm yesterday, but today I will do it with a smile on my face, and a grateful heart.

The moral of the story is that good things can happen when I put aside my self-imposed fear and shame and open myself up for help.  Weight is just a number, but ultimately I'm here to learn how to balance food and activity to support a healthy life and weight.  This is the life that I want for my future, so I'm going to keep positively focused on living it each day.

Thoughtful Posts this "Diet Season"

Today is a great day.  I can and I will.

Like many people, I'm struggling to regain my footing after the temptations of the holiday season.  I have good meals and bad meals, good snacks and bad snacks.  I can't say that I blow the whole day, but I have chosen meals or snacks that I know don't fit into my food template.  This is something I want to change, and I will change.

Although I rarely get to watch award shows (living in a house full of men), I was able to watch the Golden Globes a few days ago.  Many of the speeches were wonderful, but there was one that has had a lasting impact on me.  Gina Rodriguez, who won a Best Actress award, recounted a mantra that her father taught her.  "Today is a great day.  I can and I will."

What a powerful mindset in which to start your day.  This phrase really speaks to me with regard to facing my diet challenges.  I CAN see that off-program food, and I WILL say "no" to the inner voice that wants to eat it.  I choose to be a strong, healthy woman.

I read a wonderful, spot-on post today by Diane Carbonell over at Fit to the Finish.  In What To Do When That Food Calls Your Name, Diane gives a voice to those food items that we want to eat, even when we know they are unhealthy for us, or not in alignment with our health goals.  "You need me."  "You deserve me."  "You love me."  I don't know about you, but I sure have heard those voices when faced with unhealthy foods and unfortunately, recently I have caved in.  Diane speaks clearly and honestly about how we feel after caving in.  If you have the chance, please read the full blogpost.

Since the reintroduction of food after my full fast using Optifast 70 products, I've chosen to restrict my carbohydrate intake.   Admittedly, giving up cookies and sweets has been the most difficult part of this, but I also know that I needn't give up sweet treats altogether, as there are a number of low carb desserts and treats to choose from if I get a craving.  I read another great blogpost from the Low Carb Dietician, Five Tips for Achieving Low Carb Weight Loss Success in 2015.  She provided some science-based clarification on approaching a sustainable low carb diet and addressed the issue of high fat, low carb (something to not go too crazy with because of high calories), as well as tips for dining out and eating when you're sick.  It's a great read, and my resolve was bolstered by it.

If you're starting out on your weight loss journey, I wish you the best.  It can be done.  You can and you will.   It doesn't end there, though.  Losing weight is just the start of a lifelong awareness of being healthy and making choices to stay healthy.  It's sometimes discouraging, and right now for me, it is often frightening because I want to feel like I have a handle on it, as an insurance policy against weight gain and going back to how things were.  I want to know that if I follow that "Recipe for Success" to a "T" that I'll be fine.  But I know that for me it's more complicated than that.  My body system is complicated and my mind sometimes fights against me.

This will probably be the last post before I head to Phoenix for the Rock 'n' Roll Half Marathon.  I am under-prepared, but hopeful that I'll finish without injury.  I'm sure it will be an amazing experience.  I will also meet up with some virtual friends who have helped me and inspired me on my weight loss journey.  That means a lot to me!  I'll post photos for sure.

When I was 257 pounds it was intimidating to start exercise and to be seen in a bathing suit or out sweating on the gym machines. It took a great deal of humility and determination to say "to heck with it" and just do what I know was good for my body.  It also didn't take long for me to see positive results -- being stronger, more flexible, going faster for longer periods of time.  Yesterday a friend posted this awesome video that completely inspired me to keep moving and finding my athletic self.   I'll end my post with it and hope that it inspires all of you women with some "jiggle" to keep on going and never look back.  It's like one of those bad-ass Nike videos for us real women.  Enjoy!

Looking Ahead On Weight and Fitness

I have gotten swept up in the end of the year chaos and holiday events, so I wanted to just touch base on my health happenings.

I'm still seeking balance with my weight.  I find myself eating back my exercise calories so I'm glad that I lowered my overall calorie goal.  Unfortunately, I'm not seeing the scale go down any farther.  That tells me something right there, so I will really try and regain my diet discipline.   Today is a new day!  I'm going to weigh and measure more, to achieve accuracy.

I wasn't able to get in to have my RMR checked before Thanksgiving, but I'm going to call today and try to get it scheduled in the next few days.  It will give me more data that will help me set my calorie goals in MyFitnessPal.  It is another piece of the maintenance mystery.

I'm pushing myself farther and steeper on my hikes, and I've stepped up my running frequency to almost daily.  I find myself taking about 1 day off per week.  I never thought I'd find myself wanting to jog in the rain, but it happened a couple of days ago.  It was a misty rain, so it felt peaceful, and I wasn't soaked through to the bone or anything.  Maybe this is the mythical runners high, but I do feel uplifted when I start and finish my jog/walks (that pesky middle part isn't too bad, until it's bad - LOL).  As of now, I run twice as far as a walk.  I either time myself or use visual markers, so it's nothing too scientific, yet, but I have an app, and I'm tracking my pace.  It would be nice to work up to 3min/1min intervals.

Yesterday I signed up to run the Rock 'n Roll Half Marathon in Phoenix, which will be in January.  I'm super excited that I'll get to meet up with Martha (aka OptifastMom) on the day that we pick up our bibs.  I was inspired to to try running through her blog.  Thanks, chica!

So now I have to train in earnest.  I've set a very modest goal for this race -- basically I want to finish it before they sweep up the stragglers.  I have 4 hours before that happens, but I think I can do it in about 3 hours if I keep training and if I can stick fairly closely to my 2min/1min, run/walk intervals (but I'm aiming to work up to 3min/1min for most of it).  The music should be a huge boost as well. There will be live music playing throughout, but The Wallflowers are playing a concert after the race, and I love them.  It should be a fun party.  Music is one of my greatest joys.

I think a long and winding race is a very fitting way to celebrate the 1 year anniversary of starting my weight loss adventure.  It has been challenging in spots, and I wasn't sure I'd reach the "finish line" to a normal weight.  But I did it, and it has been one of the greatest things I've ever done for myself.

You never really finish the weight race because of the maintenance part of the equation.  I've settled in on the realization that this awareness will be a part of my life forever.  I don't expect to arrive at the stage where I "don't even have to think about my diet anymore" anytime soon.  Hopefully I will get there in the future, but as of now, I don't consider this stage a "timed" race.  I merely have to get through to the finish line each day, and keep tweaking my diet when necessary.

So Much To Be Thankful For

159 lbs.  (back in the safe zone!)

In the United States we will be celebrating the Thanksgiving holiday on Thursday.  I will be preparing a big turkey dinner for family and then joining friends for dessert.  Recently I have been reading about how people are approaching their food choices around the holidays.  I thought I'd write a bit about my strategy.

All of my thoughts on eating during the holidays are colored by my recent weight loss and new lifestyle.  Over the past several months, and 99 pounds later, I've learned that my relationship with food is tricky.  I have psychological and physical cravings, as well as a long-standing (but thankfully, fading) urge to eat for emotional reasons.  Part of my recovery from obesity has been to stay mindful of triggers and stay accountable for the food that I eat by logging my foods and trying to stay within a calorie range. I've also decreased dramatically my intake of processed carbs and sugar.  This has made a huge difference for me.

I've had some ups and downs in Maintenance, but I'm getting better control over weight fluctuations.  It feels wonderful to have lost a couple of pounds recently, after exceeding my safe weight zone.  All of this is new, though.  I'm still insecure about my ability, through decreased calories, to lose unwanted weight.  When I was 100 pounds heavier, calorie counting seemed like an impossible route.  I hadn't had much success with it or any other method of weight loss.  I felt like I would never get a handle on my weight.  Now I've proven to myself that with smaller weight fluctuations, I AM able to do it, and will continue to monitor my weight and take action when it creeps up.

Last year at this time I knew that I would be embarking on this Optifast Adventure.  I had had my initial intake appointment and would be starting the classes and product in January.  At the time, I didn't want to overeat too much since I'd already had my initial weigh-in.  I didn't want to arrive in class with a huge gain from the holidays.  I ate everything in moderation (for me), but didn't hold back too much.

Fast forward to this year.  I have a whole new mindset and a new understanding of why I eat, and what foods may be triggers for binge eating.  I have been logging my foods on MyFitnessPal for 304 days straight.  In this time of figuring out maintenance, the data has been invaluable, and it has helped me to adjust my calories for weight loss.

People on the diet boards come with varying opinions on holiday eating.  Some will try and cook healthier versions of their favorite dishes; others say that they plan to enjoy the day and take a break from their diets.  It's only one day, after all.

But would it be only one day for me?  I'm not certain of it.

I'm the cook, the leftovers will be in my fridge.  In all my life it has never been just one day of feasting.

This year I don't feel comfortable just letting it all go for the day.  Logging food is a reminder that my weight and health are a significant priority in my life.  It isn't a chore for me to log, and at least for me, it has been a motivator to make better choices.  My plan will be to cook smaller portions of the carb-heavy sides and eat smaller portions.  My supportive family is cool with that.  They don't need mashed potatoes and stuffing for days.  Turkey is something I am happy to have left over.   I will also not feel deprived having been able to load up on turkey, salad and green beans and just have very small portions of stuffing, mashed potatoes and cranberry.  I will do my best to log ALL of it and if I end up in the red zone, so be it.  But what and how much I eat will be a conscious choice.

For a food addict, Thanksgiving is a tricky time.  It is a whole holiday centered around food and memories of times with family.  Sometimes family can be stressful, and some of you might find yourself vulnerable to emotional eating or drinking.  For me, my parents and in-laws have all passed away, so we forge our own traditions and keep our parents close to our hearts.  I always try to channel my mom's spirit when I'm preparing stuffing!  My mother-in-law was an expert with cranberry sauce.  I enjoy remembering them while I'm cooking those dishes.

If you're in the U.S. and celebrating the holiday, I wish you a wonderful holiday.  No matter what your eating strategy will be, let's be so very thankful for the loving, wonderful people in our lives (past, present and virtual).  I am also thankful for my healthy new life.  Thankful and happy!

Post Race Bliss

Just wanted to give a quick update on my very fun 10 mile walk this morning!  I completed the Silver Strand 10 miler and earned my first race medal.  Yippee!

It was a beautiful California morning and I had great views of the beach on both sides of the course.  I did the walk with my sister and brother-in-law so the time passed quickly as we chatted about our holiday plans and engaged in general silliness.  Before I knew it, it was done.

My first two races (Color Run and Silver Strand) were more social experiences.  I enjoyed sharing the experiences with my family and  friends, but I have to admit that I have the bug to do a race and go all out for my best time.  I think I'll be searching for one to go solo on and we will see how that goes.  I'm just thrilled to be able to go out there and participate.  I've come a very long way.

I know I'll be signing up for both social and personal races in the future.  It is just a wonderful way to stay in shape, have a goal and end with a party!  Plus, I admit to feeling just a little bad-ass athletic, which is something I admired in others when I was sitting on the sidelines as an overweight person.  It is awesome to know that a person like me can go from the sidelines to the race course in a matter of months!  If you are reading this in the middle of your weight loss journey, you'll be there too!

Here are some sights from this morning:

Looking like a giant, walking tall before the race.

The morning was flawless here at the starting line.

At the finish line with my first racing medal!  It felt great.

Healthy Halloween!!

This year's Halloween was quite different from years past.  We didn't have candy around the house until an hour before trick or treat time (and since we don't get many kids, it was a very small amount); I hadn't dug into any candy before Halloween, when it is abundant in the stores for weeks; and I decided to reach for a milestone this year.

Yesterday morning after dropping the kids off at school, my friend and I trekked off to hike to the top of a nearby mountain -- and we made it!

I was feeling the burn in my legs and butt, especially since I had my strength class the day before, but I was fit enough to keep the steady uphill climb.  It was an eight-miler round trip!

Picture at the summit - still smiling and all downhill from here!

My friend is a breast cancer survivor, so we both felt blessed to have our health and be able to experience and appreciate these beautiful views.  At times like these I am reminded of how much richer life is, now that I'm healthy and can do more.

We were surprised and delighted to find a metal box at the top containing notebooks signed by people who had also hiked to the top.  It was fun reading the entries, and then adding our own comments.

This morning I'm a little sore, but still feeling great about yesterday's fun.  Last night, I attended a Halloween party, drank a bit of wine, abstained from the pizza, but had a small slice of a lemon cake.  I'm mindful of food now, even if I don't always make the perfect choices.  Today I will drink lots of water, and keep to protein and veggies.  My weight is still up a little so I need to really focus on my diet and return to what worked for me a few weeks ago.

Hope you all had a successful Halloween, and if not, it's okay.  Today is a reset.

Weekend Update - Parties Everywhere!

155 lbs.  (yay!)

This was a busy and fun weekend for me, and it offered opportunities to test my mettle in social situations, now that I am eating food.

Saturday was a gathering of my closest former work buddies, on the boat of a friend.  Immediately I was offered a margarita.  I was caught off guard, and had this fleeting realization that I am now in a spot to make choices.  I decided to accept the offer.  It was sweet, but not as good as I remembered them tasting.  I don't think I'll feel compelled to have one of those again.  I'm still trying to keep to below 100g of carbs per day, and sweet alcohol drinks are not the way I want to get those in - I'm most satisfied with a nice glass of red wine.

After taking the drink, I was able to pass on crackers and bread, but did take a couple of small bites of the chocolate cake, and participated in a champagne toast. Overall, I'd give myself a B- for making choices that were largely healthy, but also recognizing what I might choose differently next time.  Facing all of these choices - to eat/drink certain things, or to not take them - was a strangely new experience for me.  I've been so used to saying "no" to everything, that it was strange to have to think about my eating philosophy as I traversed my social life.  It felt okay though, and I have to say that it was very nice to be able to blend in at a party and snack on veggies and small portions of meat.  I brought a delicious appetizer of roasted asparagus wrapped in thin roast beef slices.  It went over very well, and gave me something substantial to eat.

Since I'd imbibed for three days straight, I knew that I had to draw the line somewhere, so at my book group last night, I passed on the alcohol, and on the birthday cupcakes.  That felt balanced and good.  In hind sight, I might anticipate weekend parties a little better and plan my diet so that I can have a treat during the parties.  But hey, I'm learning.  Sometimes I have to decline what is being offered.  Just like when I was only drinking shakes, people don't usually give my food and drink participation much thought.

I went on two fantastic long hikes this weekend with the hubby.  Having him as an exercise buddy is wonderful!  If our kids hadn't been feeling a little sick, we would have taken them along with us, but we are blissfully at a stage in our parenting that both boys can be left at home alone.  The exercise gives us a chance to bond as a couple.  With both of us at home now, we are able to have those opportunities daily, and it is very nice, I must say.

So this week I will start my strength training at the gym.  I'm going to take an aqua aerobics class with a friend today, and I'll sign up to meet with a trainer who can show me how to use the weight machines.  I'm excited about getting my muscles burning and revving my metabolism.

I'm now eating approximately 1200 kcals per day, and still maintaining, so I think that my metabolism is bouncing back a little more.  My activity level remains high and that appears to be helping.

That's the scoop for me.  I hope you all have a great week!

Food for Thought and the "Screech to a Halt" Weight

I'm still working on and struggling with this transition back to food.  Even though I've never lost THIS much weight before (and I'm thrilled about it!), I've been yoyo-ing long enough to know how quickly weight comes back on relative to how long it takes to lose it.  I've traveled that road many times.  It is a terrible route to take and the scenery is ugly and unpleasant.

Last night I stepped on the scale before bedtime and it read 160 lbs.  This, my friends, is my "scream weight" or "screech to a halt" weight.  Whatever you want to call it, this is the weight that I said would be the red line that I never wanted to cross.  So, you might ask, "Christy, what the heck is happening?"

Here are the gory details.  For the past 3 weeks I thought I was smarter than my clinic, and unlike the thousands of clients who have gone through the program before me, the rules of transition didn't really apply to me.   I mean, avocados are healthy, and having a half of one on my daily salad can't be a bad thing.  It's a superfood.  Then there is the cheese.  It's dairy, right?  I can count it as a dairy if it's low fat- but 1 2/3 cups in one day? Not that portion.  Roasted pumpkin seeds -- not on the list, even if I do measure them out and count them on MyFitnessPal.  Then the Redi Whip that is in the fridge.  We use it to give my son some meds that he takes on a daily basis.  I was able to look past it all during the fast, but a few times recently I rationalized a few tablespoons.  Some foods are healthy and will eventually work their way back into my diet, but just not right now.  Some foods I'll have to evaluate and see if they can be kept around.

Then there was the Saturday afternoon at home watching a chick flick.  Hubby is out of town.  I went into my garage to get a Diet Coke.  A bag tipped over, and in it were leftover beach snacks from the birthday bonfire.  A box of Trader Joe's Ginger Snaps.  MMmm.  Nooooooooo!  Okay, maybe a couple.  That turned into 15 cookies, and yes, if you give a girl a cookie, she's gonna want a glass of milk, right?

I didn't give the full weight (pun intended) to my behavior until I ate the cookies last night.  I felt that old shame cycle starting to creep up again and knew that I needed to put a stop to it quickly.  First, I walked the cookies and cheese out to the dumpster.  Cheese has been calling out to me for a couple of months now, and I just can't have it around.    I would say that it's a "trigger" food and is something I crave without good willpower.  The mozzarella sticks don't seem to tempt me, just the cheddar and fancy stuff.  So I kept the sticks.

Then I laced up my shoes and enlisted a kid to come with me while I went on a walk/jog at the park.  That was what I needed.  My stomach felt full and almost bursting, but I told myself that I would just put on my bad ass music and walk.  It wasn't long before I took some jogging intervals, and then suddenly the obese Christy was fading away again, and the athletic Christy was stepping up to the plate.  I was feeling stronger and my head was feeling clearer.  I wasn't castigating myself in my mind over the food, but my mind was going to a very positive, strong place.

So which Christy is the one I'm going to feed and impart power?  I'm voting for bad ass running Christy.  I may have to throw out more food in the future, but I am not going back to out-of-breath, unhappy, embarrassed, pained, unhealthy Christy.  Bless her heart, she was trying her best to live, but it was really, really hard and NOT too much fun.  That woman is still there beneath the surface, her memory is still very fresh and her habits are, too.

I don't hate that person I used to be.  I understand the impulses that led to a lifetime of obesity, and I've learned to see them earlier in me now, and take notice and action.  I see that particular part of me as someone I want to keep dormant and as quiet as possible.  I understand that this is going to take time for me, and she may live within me always, even if I am able to silence her the majority of the time.

I know I posted this meme before, but it sure comes to mind today as I reflect on my transition to food.




So today I am back to making healthy, mindful choices.  I've had a few of these, and I'm pleased with each day I'm able to keep to my program.  It's not just a giant freak-out fest over here.  I'm just doing my best today, and I'll do my best tomorrow as well.  I think I'll have the most success with that if I honestly face my actions, talk about them, and then come up with new strategies.

I hope this blog doesn't begin to sound like a broken record every time I come here and process my food behaviors.  If it does, I'm sorry.  I may have to put a disclaimer up at the top.

Warning:  Rehashing the same familiar food behaviors, and trying like crazy to get better.

Edit (9/15):  Today there was an excellent post on Fit to the Finish about Scale Creep.  It provides encouragement to take action when the numbers creep up.  

Moving Forward on Getting In Shape

I'm turning the page on my recent eating struggles and have stabilized myself, eating on program.  It feels great to be on program, and it feels great to find success getting myself BACK on program.  I know I sound like a broken record, but short of not making those off-program choices, I believe my future long-term success at maintenance hinges, in part, on being able to recover and get back on track.  I'm concentrating on ditching my "all or nothing" outlook.  As Stuart Smally said in the hilarious movie Stuart Saves His Family (video Prozac for me!)  "It's progress, not perfection."

I've been reading a lot about people who successfully maintain their weight loss, and there are a few strategies that they generally employ:

 - They have a 5-10 pound weight range that they maintain.  When reaching the upper end they watch their diets more closely, and when they go above the range, the employ weight loss measures.  Most weigh themselves at least once a week, if not daily.

-  They experiment to find a calorie range that maintains their weight in that range, neither gaining nor losing.  After their weight loss, they gradually add back in calories in 100-calorie increments until they are stable.  They add a few more if they increase their activity level.

-  Most of them log their food daily to keep track of calories, and a good number mentioned measuring and weighing food to ensure accuracy.

-  They move!  Every day on a regular basis they get some exercise and it is a part of their routine.

Where I Am Today

Since I've started introducing food and I'm feeling more energetic, I made a few positive steps recently that are helping me to keep motivated and moving forward.

- I've started the C25K program (Couch to 5K running app), and have enjoyed including some jogging in my workouts.  It feels great!  My body wants to move!

-  I signed up for the Silver Strand 10 Miler, that will take place in early November.  I plan to run/walk it with my sister, niece and a good friend.  I'm jazzed to be training for this beautiful race that is relatively flat and runs along beautiful Coronado Island.  It will also add some structure and a goal to my workouts.

-  On that note, I just invested in a pair of real running shoes.  I actually went to our local running store, had them do all kinds of tests on my feet and the way I walk, and then they helped me pick out the perfect pair of shoes.  I tried several on and these felt right almost immediately.

My new beauties - Brooks Ghost 7s

I feel really positive today and excited to move forward, creating a life that will sustain my weight loss and hopefully even lose the last 10 pounds so I can reach my goal.

I also updated my Progress Pictures to document my current weight, since it had been a while.  I noticed the difference in my upper body the most this time.  My neck is elongated and my collar bones are showing.  I've gone from a pants size 26 to a size 8/10 depending on the cut.  I went from a XXL t-shirt to a Medium.

So this is the my update and progress.  I hope all of you are working your programs as well.  Let's not get discouraged with setbacks, but let's move forward and keep making small, positive changes.

Thoughts on Challenging Old Assumptions

I've been thinking about how through this weight loss process, I have had to be more bold about challenging old assumptions of what I am capable of doing through my choices and through my physical activity.  In this part of the program, the weight loss portion, I've had to stay committed to my eating plan and follow it precisely.  It hasn't been easy, and it forced me to stand out from the crowd, which is something I was never comfortable doing, especially as an obese person.  Not eating or drinking when everyone else is, was very challenging for me when I first began my Optifast program, but I stuck to my guns and followed through on my commitment.

Week after week my body changed very drastically and quickly.  In subtle ways, life became less painful.  I first noticed that my sciatica suddenly vanished, and that I wasn't as stiff when I got out of bed in the morning.  I could bend over and balance on one foot.  Then my Achilles tendinitis started fading away, and I noticed that I could walk farther and faster without pain.  Each of those "feats" were a tiny secret delight.  They helped me to stay committed.

Each of these milestones were a surprise to me.  When I worried about pushing myself too hard while on the shakes, I would be surprised that I felt okay after walking or hiking for a long period of time.  Over time, I'm starting to trust myself enough to push farther and faster when working out.  Each of those challenges brings greater confidence.

I've been also thinking about this process in terms of the next phase of my program, when food will slowly be reintroduced.  I will continue to feel concern about my capabilities to follow through and to develop a new, healthy way of eating.  Fortunately I will still have the support of my clinic, and of my maintenance class.  I'll continue to learn new things, and will examine food triggers in real time, as I live my life among the "eating".  Even today, having not yet achieved my "goal", I do feel like I've achieved more confidence in my ability to make positive choices to support my healthy body.  Just like when I started my program 7 months ago, I didn't know that I could lose weight, I'll need to prove to myself again that I am capable of maintaining a healthy weight. It will be completely new territory for me.

This is what was going through my mind today, and it's part of the learning process as I get to know my new self.

Working the Zoom Button

I'm at a point in my Optifast program, where I need to focus on each moment, keep my eyes looking forward, and keep walking through the headwinds of staying on program, facing temptation and reaching my weight goal.  At the same time, I'm also also looking at each moment as it fits into the bigger picture of the healthy life I'm building that will extend well beyond this initial weight loss period and form the life that will allow me to maintain a healthy weight.  Right now, the experience can be dizzying.

My mind is really working that "Zoom" button.  On one hand, I have to manage my life choices and eating on a minute by minute basis.  I'm faced with moments of temptation, smells, people around me eating, getting caught feeling hungry, and emotional stress that pulls me in the direction of my old sources of comfort.  Then I zoom out and think about how I will manage all of this to sustain my healthy life with a healthy body, after the fast and when I'm choosing and eating food.  What will I grab when I'm hungry for a snack?  What will I take with me when I leave the house to run errands or go to meetings?  What will be good to keep around the house that will be both healthy, and also palatable to my kids and friends when I have company over or when neighbors drop in?  What intervention has been effective when I want to turn to food for comfort?  I'm constantly zooming in and out during these experiences.

My task to stay on program, drink my shakes, exercise and make it to the first goal is extremely important to me.  It is just a milestone on this healthy life adventure that I decided to begin.  Right now it is also taking much more effort than it did before, even though I am currently experiencing the positive results of my past dedication - cute clothes, less pain, more energy and feelings of vitality.

These struggles could be the result of seasonal/environmental conditions (my kids are home from school, I'm traveling more and visiting friends and family, I'm working from home and am cooking and around food most of the day.)  The challenges are also part of the normal struggles associated with any big behavioral change. On an hourly basis I am reminded that by choosing to take the "healthy highway," the sites, experiences and scenery are new to me.  The culture is new to me, and I'll need to patiently learn new ways of living.  The hazards and seasons will always be there, but I will be handling them differently in this "new place."

Am I travelling the road perfectly?  No.  I've had some bites and had to get back on track.  When I first chose to take a bite, I was filled with disappointment and self-doubt.  That was a reaction rooted in the moment, however when I zoom out and look at the bigger picture, these small transgressions have taught me how to live life as an imperfect person.  I won't lie to you - it has been scary for me - certainly not because I have ever been able to attain perfection, but because I am now trying to be comfortable with and not give too much power to, my diet pitfalls.

Every time I overcome a cheat or better yet, say "no" to myself, I am building a little more confidence that I'll be able to handle the flat tires and obstacles that are a normal part of any trip.

These will be the challenges of a lifetime, and I feel like I'm just at the beginning of learning how to handle them in a healthy way.  I'm thankful for the "Zoom" right now.  It's a helpful little tool.

Page One of a New Chapter

Today is my first official day as a self-employed person!  I left my job so that I could pursue my own private practice and have a more flexible schedule to accommodate my family and just feel less stressed.  I don't think that it has hit me yet, but I'm sure I'll get used to this pretty quickly!

Last summer I joined the YMCA near my work, and arranged my schedule to leave the house every morning at 5:30am, drive the 40 minutes to the gym (without the stress of rush hour!) and work out before work.  There is a water aerobics class at 6:20am so this was perfect timing and the perfect exercise for my low calorie intake.  It was a win-win situation on all levels.  I really noticed that exercise helped me cope with my job pressures, and I no longer had to sit in traffic and worry about arriving to work on time.  It was wonderful!  When I gave my notice in January, one of  my immediate concerns was getting out of my newly-established exercise routine.  I immediately got online and looked up gyms near my home, and specifically, near my oldest son's high school.  I learned that my local YMCA has water aerobics as well as Restorative Yoga at just the perfect time after I drop the last kid off at school.

I've envisioned this plan for the last 5 months, and today I put it into practice.  I dropped my son off, then headed to the Y.  I would be the "new kid" again, emphasis on the kid, since I'm usually the youngest person in these classes.  I tried deep water aerobics today and LOVED IT!!  There is something wonderful about exercising in the water, and especially in deep water with a flotation belt.  The ladies are sassy, the music was tuned in to a radio station that I listen to all the time, so it was '80's all the way through.  I feel like I'm off to a good start in this transition, but I'll have to keep it up so that it get's established.  I have been slacking off exercise for the last 2 weeks, so getting back to it felt really urgent to me.  I could feel myself slipping back to a place that I didn't want to go.  I feel very aware that my diet and exercise require vigilance and commitment if I'm going to make a real lifestyle change.  I'm still a "noob" as my son would say, when it comes to this weight loss and switch to a healthier life.

That's my story for now.   My youngest son smiled at me this morning and said "now you get to be in the garden all day!"  He knows that this is my happiest place.  I've got a cucumber and a zucchini to pick, and some housework to do, but I'm going to take some time to breathe today, and embrace this new direction for my life.  I am very, very thankful.

Observations of the Eating Habits of Fit People in the Wild

Since beginning my fast in early January, I've had a lot of time on my hands to watch people eat.  I've sat with people at restaurants, happy hours, family gatherings and house dinner parties.  It has been very interesting to observe what and how "normal" weight people eat.  Here are a few observations:

• My friends who do not have weight problems seem to eat little snacks throughout the day, and do not particularly eat large portions at a meal.  One of my colleagues whips out hummus and veggies at 10am, or eats some sort of small snack in the morning.  She then has lunch and fruit for a snack later.
• They bring water bottles with them EVERYWHERE and drink water all day
• The healthy eaters are making healthy choices most of the time.  I watch what they bring in for lunch, and many times it is a salad.  Sometimes, it is a healthy leftover from dinner.  They aren't angels -- I've been with them at happy hour, and they eat cheese and meat and more decadent   choices - but they are small portions.
• Many of my colleagues shy away from refined carbohydrates, and tend to go with meat and vegetable choices.  They leave most of the rice on their plates.  I can understand this as the arguments against simple carbohydrates become more mainstream.
• They are not compelled to eat what is in front of them - such as a basket of chips, an appetizer or cookies

Happy, healthy choices.

As someone with a food addiction, I can see where I might have a difficult time with adopting some of these lifestyle habits, while others I feel are completely within reason.  Here's what I think I can do, with some practice:

• Optifast (and Medifast for that matter) taught me the wisdom of eating every three hours.  I feel terrific with this steady level of blood sugar.  I will have to see what will be best for the between-meal snacks -- perhaps a protein shake or other protein-rich snack.  Personally, I think I will avoid anything with sugar or carbohydrates as I know that it has a biochemical affect on me and often leads to cravings.  I'm going to have to test fruit with this in mind.
• I love my water bottles now, and I don't see myself changing that habit!
• I will aim to eat well 90% of the time, and record my meals on MyFitnessPal.  Given my past tendency to eat mindlessly, I think that logging foods will keep me accountable, and even when I splurge on wine or something special to eat, I will have evidence of my regular good choices, and will be less likely to "fall off the wagon" with a bad bout of eating too much of the wrong things
• I will keep the mental image of myself as a thinner person saying "no" when I want to grab one more stuffed mushroom or tortilla chip (didn't I agree to give chips up anyway??)  I admire my friends who can chat away without thinking about the food in front of them.  I have become one of those people now that I'm on Optifast.  I would love to continue to be able to do this when I resume eating, but it may be a struggle based on past experience.  At least I've proven to myself that I'm capable of making healthy choices and pushing back on my cravings - yay Optifast program!  
• Given the huge portion sizes served in the United States, I will count on only eating half of what is served to me in a restaurant and taking the rest home.  Some people ask the waiter for smaller portions when they order.  I don't know anyone who has actually tried this.  Have any of you ever done this?
• I've given a lot of thought to the way I'd like to eat when I return to food.  My verdict is that a diet low in simple carbohydrates will probably make me feel better and lead to fewer cravings.

A girl has to do something while she sits around sipping her tea!  Even though I dearly miss the social experience of eating, I'm still content with drinking shakes and watching my body shrink.  I have a long way to go, but hopefully when the time comes to eat, I will be stronger for having had this prolonged experience without eating solid food and observing and learning from the habits of the healthy.

Week 10 Weigh In: Holding Steady

223 lbs.

I have been underground this week handling a few crazy life challenges that have popped up.  My husband has been traveling a lot, and this week's trip coincided with a busy time at my work and some busy events with my kids - requiring me to do some frenetic juggling to meet all of my obligations.  Any working parent out there will be able to relate to these cycles of chaos.  Heck we all have those times in our own ways.  I also received word that my Uncle died, so I'll be flying out to Kansas City this weekend for the funeral.  All day between work, soccer games, and my Optifast meeting I was receiving texts from my siblings, trying to coordinate flights (we all live in the West).  My husband has been a wonderful help with all of this coordination (especially while I was away for 3 hours at my meeting tonight).  So I was thinking tonight that weeks like these would have triggered massive amounts of stress eating if I weren't currently on a strict program.  Thank goodness for that.

Although I found it difficult to fully focus during my meeting tonight, it was a pretty good one and gave me something to think about.  We discussed our public "mask" vs. our private inner-life.  I may project a confident, positive, professional and happy person on the outside, but when I'm in private, I feel the stress of my life, suffer from disorganization, feel rushed and often inadequate.  Feeling stressed and rushed has often been the trigger for my overeating, and I indulge in it while in private or in my home.  So which is the real me?  Maybe both?  I left the meeting feeling like it is possible to let the two sides of my persona interact with one another and maybe strengthen my ability to manage my life and emotions, and make a healthy decision not to eat when I am hyped up on stress.  After all, the one thing I AM able to control is my eating, and I can learn to feel confident in my ability to stave off that impulse.  I can perhaps come home feeling more positive that I can tackle that pile of school papers and find that permission slip that got buried.  Maybe even take a few minutes to think of a better system of organizing those things when they come into the house.

In my outside "got it under control" persona, maybe I can learn to make better choices that will lessen the stress an disorganization that trickles down into my private life.  I'm starting to do that more, I must admit, and have taken more vacation time to do ordinary things and just rest.  But I'm sure there are better logistical decisions I can make that will also help and I'll need to keep working on that.  I need to keep practicing this type of self care.

Maybe some of you in the Kaiser Optifast program have some better examples, so feel free to share them in the comments section.

Back to my weekend plans, I will get to test my mettle for staying on the program while traveling.  I'll pack my blender bottle, powder, water bottle and my favorite tea.  I'm going to set my phone alarm to remind me to drink.  My main focus will be to stick to my eating program.  Wish me luck.

Week 6 Weigh-In

234.5 lbs

Now that I'm pretty much on auto-pilot with my Optifast shakes, my anxiety about life after the safe cocoon of fixed meals is starting to emerge in my thoughts and dreams.  Last night I had a strange problem-solving dream.  I was at a family gathering, sitting around a backyard table, with a basket of tortilla chips and bowl of guacamole in front of me.  I was thinking about how I have always had a hard time controlling myself with chips.  I just never developed an "off " button. What was I going to do now that I've worked so hard to lose this weight?  I remember telling myself that at future gatherings I will need to bring a veggie tray to put in front of me, if there isn't one out already.  Anticipating these scenarios is getting to me.

Coincidentally, my group tonight had us write down 3 parts of our life that we love, and 3 parts of our life that we don't love.  Then we marked whether these had a positive or negative influence on our weight.  The exercise was meant to get us thinking of small changes that we can make to help us cope with challenges to our weight management.  It was helpful.  With my dream in mind, I thought about taking charge and planning to bring foods that are healthy to gatherings.  Another intervention is to become more organized around the house.  I get stressed when piles develop and when I miss events or assignments for my children due to my disorganization.  It makes me feel guilty and fills me with anxiety, and I eat.  If I put my mind to it, I know I can develop a system of organizing these important papers and then I don't have to be facing this anxiety.  I can take charge of this, and when I do, I'll let you know.

I also know that I didn't become obese just from social gatherings.  My next challenge will be to figure out a motivation so strong that I'll be able to keep my daily portions and food choices under control.  Planning to pack healthy lunches with me, and snacking every three hours.  Right now it's just a dream and hope to me because I'm in the middle of the fast.  I'm just going to have to trust that with enough time and thought, my mind will re-set and I'll be able to approach eating with a new sense of calm and confidence.

On another note, I am LOVING that I can wear smaller sizes now.  This week I was able to fit into two pairs of pants and a very pretty sweater that I couldn't wear before.  I loved it and felt so attractive!  All of this, in addition to being 23 lbs lighter, is excellent motivation for keeping on the path!  

Setting Myself Up For Success Means Making New Choices

I made a pretty big decision over the weekend, and it goes along with my goal of making healthy choices to achieve good health and well being.

It all started when I began a new workout routine before work.  This was 6 months ago.  Now I may seem like a mild-mannered university administrator, but my job involves event planning, individual counseling sessions with hundreds of students, presentations to large and small groups, and maneuvering and surfing the politics and pettiness that exist in every workplace, mine included.  I built my department, and it has turned out to be very strategically important for the school.  My bosses have been very appreciative of my work, and it felt great.  So I have been given more and more responsibility, and very little additional personnel to help. We run on a shoe string. I have been so thankful that I started working out, because it has helped me manage the physical and mental ramifications of my work stress.  That was BIG LESSON #1  and an ah-ha moment.

When I decided to make a serious commitment to my weight loss and health in November, I felt a shift occur inside my mind.  No longer was I willing to sacrifice my health and time with my family in order to keep growing my department at work.  I began to scale back my operation a little bit and really look at the things that are most stressful and try and figure out different ways of approaching the task.  I think this has been a great learning experience  -- slowly shifting my priorities so that I can achieve not only wellness but well being.  I'm beginning to understand that even small changes can make a big difference.  BIG LESSON #2.

I also scheduled some vacation time little by little each month.  Instead of charging through the worst of it without taking a break for months, I put in for one or two days per month until the end of the semester.  My anniversary, the days my kids have off of school (that was always stressing me out to find care for them), my birthday.  Addressing those things that give me stress, while also taking some time to recharge.  It isn't my employer's fault that I haven't been doing that - it's mine.  It's my choice to try and make my life happier on a more regular basis.  BIG LESSON #3.

So back to my big decision.  I've decided to leave my job at the end of the term.  We can financially swing for me to have some time to regroup and see what my next adventure is.  I have a couple of business ideas that I can develop, or the universe may open some doors, now that my eyes and heart are also open.

I know that everyone encounters workplace stress, and that it's tough to be a working parent.  I have the world's best husband who has given more than his share of time to help keep this family running.  We are a good team.  But perhaps I can find an opportunity closer to home (instead of 40 minutes away).  It's the little things that add up and if I can reduce a few, I know I will be healthier for it.  I've already scoped out a Y near my son's school so that I can continue my morning exercise routine.

As a career counselor, I've broken a few rules here.  You're never supposed to quit a job unless you have another one.  Well, it's okay.  At least I know how to look for a job  or maybe even create one for myself.  Thanks for listening.