Today's Tools

Each morning after I've prepared lunches, fed breakfast to my children and had my coffee, I sit down for a few minutes before the mad rush and read a couple of blogs featured on my sidebar.  Off and on by the end of the day I get through most of them.

This morning I am supremely grateful that I read Zen Habits' post on Savor Discipline:  Merge the Interests of your Present and Future Selves.  If you are conscious of the argument taking place inside your mind when you are craving something unhealthy, then this is a good little post to read.  My takeaway was an ah-ha about the many, many future selves that are impacted by my immediate choices.  Leo Babauta beautifully proposes a new way to view your immediate choices, sometimes allowing your present self to enjoy the treat, necessitating your future selves to choose the carrot or healthy option.  Most times, though, we can forego immediate pleasure and seek and find pleasure in the healthy foods that will support a healthy and fit life.  Bingo!  This is what I'm seeking to do more of in my life.  Experiencing the pleasure in a bowl of ripe berries.

When I completed the full fast and was reintroducing food, I can't tell you how much pleasure I felt in eating a beautiful salad, a strawberry, or an avocado.  It was incredible to enjoy chewing and tasting the subtle flavors of these healthy foods.

Truthfully, there have been a couple of times since the fast when the donut looked good, and I had one.  I'll be honest and say that the grease tasted terrible.  My memory of eating donuts was much happier than than the pleasure of the present experience eating it.  It is important to make note of that.  It's just food, after all, and if I can develop new pleasurable memories associated with healthy foods, then I think it will pave the way for a healthier life without feeling like I'm sacrificing anything.   I think those new memories will come from repeated mindful experiences enjoying those foods.  I'll work on it.

Changes in Attitudes

After an indulgent 24 hours celebrating my son's birthday, and taking bites of unhealthy sweets and chips, I'm finally over it and back on track.

Texas Chocolate Sheet Cake - our official family birthday cake.

I've read many times that you can't out-exercise a bad diet.  That may be true, but I have now experienced a few occasions, when my food choices were not good, I forced myself to get out there and exercise.  I have to say that those workouts weren't really about burning the extra calories.  It was about what it did ABOVE my shoulders.  Exercise hits the re-set button that switches me away from my "old place" of overeating that used to spiral out of control and transitions to my current, healthy, athletic self that is taking control and choosing wisely.

As I jogged one of my favorite beautiful trails today I was thankful for my healthier body.  I enjoyed the feeling of being able to run up hills, and breathe the fresh air.  Today my attitude changed from someone who was eating sugar and feeling tired and unmotivated, to someone who said "no excuses, get out there."  It felt wonderful and was one of my best runs.

Some friends and I have joined together to run/walk 2015 miles in 2015.  I'm ending January with 64.8 miles logged!  I'm also ending the month with sore muscles from strength training.  2015 is going okay so far, and I'll keep challenging myself to make healthy diet and exercise choices so that I can enjoy this active life for as long as possible.

On another note, I've been thinking about changing the name of my blog to something that reflects my new healthy lifestyle and challenges.  I'm very proud of my success using Optifast products, but as I move forward, my reflections have been more than about weight loss.  I haven't come up with a new name, it's just an idea that I'm toying with.  If I do switch, I'll be adding Formerly, Optifast Adventurer so that readers and searchers will know that it's me.

Week 40 of Optifast - More Non-Scale Victories

156 lbs.

I've had a busy week but wanted to check in on the blog.  Last week brought some great news and a huge non-scale victory for me.  After I left my job in May, I had to give up my work-supported life insurance policy.  Since I've been getting healthier, and haven't been this healthy in many years, I decided to apply for my own life insurance.  After going through all of the questions and blood work, last week I found out that I was approved!  This was huge for me.  My policy isn't very expensive, but I feel so much better knowing that if anything happened to me, that my family will have some financial support.  I never thought I'd be healthy enough to get my own policy, so this is a big deal for me.

I also headed to Arizona to attend my high school centennial celebration and homecoming.  It has been 29 years since I graduated and I've never been back for one of these events.  It was such a positive experience seeing old friends and reconnecting with my roots.  I lived in my city at a very unique time, when there was only one high school, so all the kids from all parts of town funneled into one place.  I have literally grown up with a good number of people from my home town, and we came from all walks of life.  It was a very special experience, and with Facebook keeping us in touch, we have remained pretty close.

My beautiful high school.

In truth, I never would have attended something like this 100 pounds ago.  For my 10 and 20 year reunions, I was lucky to be living on the East coast, far away from Arizona, so I had some cover.  Now I am so much more comfortable in my skin, and felt self-confident.  I guess this is one of the many perks of getting healthier.  I don't pass up special opportunities anymore.  I think this event falls solidly in the "have more fun" category of why I was motivated to lose weight.  Admittedly, it was great to look better too :-)

All of my friends were very supportive of my weight loss.  I had a great conversation with the husband of a friend who has maintained a 200 pound weight loss (he had gastric bypass surgery 4 years ago).  They have established an active lifestyle - participating in cycling races and long weekend rides.  I am always very happy to meet people who have managed to keep their weight off.  It really inspires me to know that it can be done and is being done by people all the time.

Saturday morning I met two of my friends for a beautiful desert hike.  I'm still amazed when I can do things like this without pain or extreme exertion.  Each time I push myself to do more, my confidence rises when I don't keel over from the activity!  I managed to eat pretty well over the weekend, except for Saturday evening and 3 big glasses of wine, which I enjoyed after helping my niece move (in a torrential rain storm, I might add).

Beautiful sunrise hike in the desert.

Before I left for the trip I measured out several 2oz packets of beef jerky, 1oz packets of almonds, and packed veggies, an apple and cheese sticks.  I had a cooler with the food as well as waters and diet soda.  It worked great and I wasn't tempted one bit to indulge in fast food or junk food during my road stops.  It also made logging my foods much easier.  While I was away I had a couple of treats, but mostly stuck with my plan.  A one pound variation in my weight didn't set off any alarm bells.  Today I'm back to eating less salty protein choices and drinking lots of water.  I feel in control and balanced in all of this.  But it still feels like new territory to me.

I'm hiking farther and faster, and progressing with my C25K program.  I also started weight lifting last week and will try a group strength class on Thursday.  I'm looking forward to that because I wasn't really happy with my new gym's weight machines, to be honest.  But I know that building muscle is very important to building my metabolism and will really help in maintaining my weight.

That's it for now.  Lots of busy stuff with life and kids and whatnot, but as far as my health and choices, I'm still on track.  Hope you all have a great week!

Working the Zoom Button

I'm at a point in my Optifast program, where I need to focus on each moment, keep my eyes looking forward, and keep walking through the headwinds of staying on program, facing temptation and reaching my weight goal.  At the same time, I'm also also looking at each moment as it fits into the bigger picture of the healthy life I'm building that will extend well beyond this initial weight loss period and form the life that will allow me to maintain a healthy weight.  Right now, the experience can be dizzying.

My mind is really working that "Zoom" button.  On one hand, I have to manage my life choices and eating on a minute by minute basis.  I'm faced with moments of temptation, smells, people around me eating, getting caught feeling hungry, and emotional stress that pulls me in the direction of my old sources of comfort.  Then I zoom out and think about how I will manage all of this to sustain my healthy life with a healthy body, after the fast and when I'm choosing and eating food.  What will I grab when I'm hungry for a snack?  What will I take with me when I leave the house to run errands or go to meetings?  What will be good to keep around the house that will be both healthy, and also palatable to my kids and friends when I have company over or when neighbors drop in?  What intervention has been effective when I want to turn to food for comfort?  I'm constantly zooming in and out during these experiences.

My task to stay on program, drink my shakes, exercise and make it to the first goal is extremely important to me.  It is just a milestone on this healthy life adventure that I decided to begin.  Right now it is also taking much more effort than it did before, even though I am currently experiencing the positive results of my past dedication - cute clothes, less pain, more energy and feelings of vitality.

These struggles could be the result of seasonal/environmental conditions (my kids are home from school, I'm traveling more and visiting friends and family, I'm working from home and am cooking and around food most of the day.)  The challenges are also part of the normal struggles associated with any big behavioral change. On an hourly basis I am reminded that by choosing to take the "healthy highway," the sites, experiences and scenery are new to me.  The culture is new to me, and I'll need to patiently learn new ways of living.  The hazards and seasons will always be there, but I will be handling them differently in this "new place."

Am I travelling the road perfectly?  No.  I've had some bites and had to get back on track.  When I first chose to take a bite, I was filled with disappointment and self-doubt.  That was a reaction rooted in the moment, however when I zoom out and look at the bigger picture, these small transgressions have taught me how to live life as an imperfect person.  I won't lie to you - it has been scary for me - certainly not because I have ever been able to attain perfection, but because I am now trying to be comfortable with and not give too much power to, my diet pitfalls.

Every time I overcome a cheat or better yet, say "no" to myself, I am building a little more confidence that I'll be able to handle the flat tires and obstacles that are a normal part of any trip.

These will be the challenges of a lifetime, and I feel like I'm just at the beginning of learning how to handle them in a healthy way.  I'm thankful for the "Zoom" right now.  It's a helpful little tool.

Week 29 Weigh-In: No Longer Obese

169 lbs.

I hit a very nice milestone tonight - I am no longer in the Obese BMI range.  That one feels very, very good.  Those labels of "obese" and "morbidly obese" have been dogging me for many years, and worrying me, too.  As I traverse the BMI table, I feel a tremendous sense of relief.  When I look at the Overweight and Normal ranges, I think those levels are pretty interchangeable sometimes.  At my current weight, I feel like if I kept exercising and adopted a healthy diet, I'd be a very healthy person for the rest of my life, even if the table tells me I'm overweight.  I intend to have a weight range that I keep to, and that will call me into action when necessary, but we will see where it falls on the official table.

For now, I'm determined to reach my goal weight, which happens to be the topmost weight for the Normal BMI range for my height.  For me, reaching that number is more about actually accomplishing a weight loss goal.  I have only done this one other time in my life, when I was in my teens.  This is more competitive than contemplative, and I feel a little shallow even admitting it.  But that's my plan for now.

Changing the subject for a bit, my class tonight was one of the best I've gone to.  Our leader led us on a discussion of how feelings were treated in our families, and led us through remembering both a negative and a positive emotional experience in our lives.

Some of us come from families where it was considered "weak" to show emotion, especially negative emotions.  Some people couldn't summon up those times or put them into words.  It's a safe place for all of us, no matter what we were able to do and talk about.  The takeaway was to stop and think about what we are feeling, especially when we are turning to food for something other than nourishment. This is what we were to remember:

• Identify the feeling we are having and name it
• Look at what is causing the feeling
• Validate the normalcy of our emotional response to whatever is happening.  Allow ourselves some time to feel the feeling without regrets or guilt.
• Look for the origin of how we are feeling under those circumstances (was it a childhood experience?  Did we have a past trauma that is being conjured up in this particular instance?)

  It's difficult for me walk through negative feelings without a detour to the refrigerator.  This fast has removed my food crutch, so I've been reading some Buddhist writings on negative feelings, and have found it helpful to view them as teachers and as avenues toward developing greater humility.  I'm fond of the writings of Pema Chodron, an American Buddhist nun.  Here are some of her thoughts:

“Rather than letting our negativity get the better of us, we could acknowledge that right now we feel like a piece of shit and not be squeamish about taking a good look.” 
― Pema Chödrön, When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times



“Once there was a young warrior. Her teacher told her that she had to do battle with fear. She didn’t want to do that. It seemed too aggressive; it was scary; it seemed unfriendly. But the teacher said she had to do it and gave her the instructions for the battle. The day arrived. The student warrior stood on one side, and fear stood on the other. The warrior was feeling very small, and fear was looking big and wrathful. They both had their weapons. The young warrior roused herself and went toward fear, prostrated three times, and asked, "May I have permission to go into battle with you?" Fear said, "Thank you for showing me so much respect that you ask permission." Then the young warrior said, "How can I defeat you?" Fear replied, "My weapons are that I talk fast, and I get very close to your face. Then you get completely unnerved, and you do whatever I say. If you don’t do what I tell you, I have no power. You can listen to me, and you can have respect for me. You can even be convinced by me. But if you don’t do what I say, I have no power." In that way, the student warrior learned how to defeat fear. ” 
― Pema Chödrön, When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times

“…feelings like disappointment, embarrassment, irritation, resentment, anger, jealousy, and fear, instead of being bad news, are actually very clear moments that teach us where it is that we’re holding back. They teach us to perk up and lean in when we feel we’d rather collapse and back away. They’re like messengers that show us, with terrifying clarity, exactly where we’re stuck. This very moment is the perfect teacher, and, lucky for us, it’s with us wherever we are.” 
― Pema Chödrön

“Life is glorious, but life is also wretched. It is both. Appreciating the gloriousness inspires us, encourages us, cheers us up, gives us a bigger perspective, energizes us. We feel connected. But if that's all that's happening, we get arrogant and start to look down on others, and there is a sense of making ourselves a big deal and being really serious about it, wanting it to be like that forever. The gloriousness becomes tinged by craving and addiction. On the other hand, wretchedness--life's painful aspect--softens us up considerably. Knowing pain is a very important ingredient of being there for another person. When you are feeling a lot of grief, you can look right into somebody's eyes because you feel you haven't got anything to lose--you're just there. The wretchedness humbles us and softens us, but if we were only wretched, we would all just go down the tubes. We'd be so depressed, discouraged, and hopeless that we wouldn't have enough energy to eat an apple. Gloriousness and wretchedness need each other. One inspires us, the other softens us. They go together.” 
― Pema Chödrön, Start Where You Are: A Guide to Compassionate Living

I realize that these are a lot of quotes from one wise woman, but I have found her writing to be very thought-provoking, and I'm trying to learn some of these skills.  I think what my leader was talking about today is exactly what Pema was suggesting.  When we fear an emotion, and our instinct is to soften it with food, or run away from it.  Sitting and staring at it, making sense of it, takes away some of the power that it holds.

I'm hoping that with practice I'm able to do this, more and more.  I think I have experienced a little bit of improvement in trying this.

I hope all of you are doing well on your programs, and feeling healthier and more confident as a result.  I wish you all the very best and I'm sending you good wishes right now.

Week 26 Weigh-In: Just Keep Turning the Page

176.5 lbs.

Sometimes the universe provides!  In my Optifast group tonight we talked about moving past our negative choices.  It was comforting to hear (re-hear) this lesson about having more (self) compassion when I choose a path that isn't aligned with my health goals.  I consider this to be a very important issue for me, personally.  In my past attempts to lose weight, I would lose a few pounds, fall off the wagon, and then rationalize a delay in re-starting my program.  By the time "Monday" would roll around I would have several days off the wagon and a whole pile of guilt.   At that point, it would be extremely difficult for me to get back to the healthy eating program.  This is the wonderful thing about attending a support group.  You have a safe place to discuss your challenges among people who can relate and offer insights.



I'm happy that after my last transgression I was able to return to my eating plan and move on.  I think that the reason I'm nervous about those off-program choices I made is because in my mind I don't trust myself yet.  Despite 23 weeks of following Optifast perfectly, I look at my recent bites and immediately forget how strong I am, as evidenced by my ability to lose over 80 pounds so far.  I now see this as absurd thinking.  It isn't that I'm suddenly a bad person because I made a mistake.  I am strong to have gotten this far and I am able to begin again and keep moving towards my goals.

Speaking of goals, I've been enjoying my evening walks and goal to complete at least one mile per day (I'm almost at a two mile mark during the time that my son is in karate class). It's wonderful to to feel physically stronger and more athletic, and it has taken my mind off of food.  It's a stress buster too.

On the family front, we are doing well with our business, and my hubby has a conference call with another company next week.  I'm keeping my fingers crossed for him because it is a direction in his career that he would be excited to pursue.  It would be great for our family as well.  I'm keeping hopeful and positive.

Weekend Check-in and Tough Love

I'm sure if you've been reading my blog for the last few weeks, you've noticed that I've been struggling with food obsession and wanting to eat.  I wrote about tasting and recognizing it as a slippery slope.   Despite processing through all of this, and making some positive strides in the exercise department, I had my worst cheat ever on Saturday.  I ate a meatball and I ate a about 1/4 cup of shredded cheese.  I logged them on MyFitnessPal. What was I feeling when I ate?  I was feeling selfish, and just wanted to eat after fasting for so long.  It smelled good, it looked good and I've been craving them.  People have been complimenting me on my weight loss, and I'm feeling so much better about myself, and my resolve for sticking to it was weak.

I consider this a wake-up call and low point.  I wouldn't dare justify it because I made a commitment to this journey and this goes against that commitment. I'm not at the finish line yet.

This is what I have have done in the past when I failed at weight loss.  I got within an inch of a weight loss milestone or goal, then bailed before the finish line. THERE IS NO WAY I AM GOING TO DO THAT THIS TIME. 

Everything about this weight loss adventure has been different.  I have engaged my mind and heart in looking at past behaviors and triggers, and I really feel like I've grown stronger as a person.  Although I am new to this awareness, I'm not going to ignore what I've learned so far.  This time it's not about ignoring "conventional wisdom" or something outside of myself.  It is about ignoring ME and my own accumulated wisdom. This is where the rubber hits the road, and I need to pass the test.  So today is a no-cheat day and I'm starting fresh with that same no-nonsense approach that I used for the first 5 months of my program.  I know that I can do this.

On a very positive note, I found some FUN workout stations on Pandora that are going to rejuvenate my walks and keep me pumped through the start of the C25K (Couch to 5K) app.  Yes, I'm going to give it a go, if my achilles tendon will let me.  I'm also signed up to walk the Silver Strand Half Marathon with my sisters and friend in November, so the training will begin and I have a bad-ass athletic goal to train for  (heehee).  I'm going to start very slowly, because I'm still only eating 420 calories per day, and I don't want to start working out hard and run the risk of slowing my weight loss progress.

Achieving my weight loss goal is my number one objective and I will reach that finish line first, and modify my behavior and exercise goals to make sure that I get there this time.

Thanks to everyone for your good thoughts and cyber-support.  I am very touched and it means a lot to me.

I will edit this post at the end of the day to report back on my no-cheat progress.

First Edit**:  I just published this blog post, then read a wonderful entry on A Weight Loss Journey (see side bar for link).  It really spoke to me with my current challenges.  Here is an excerpt:

Each Day a New Beginning

I want to do it because I want to do it. Women must try to do things as men have tried. When they fail, their failure must be but a challenge to others.
  —Amelia Earhart

Fear of failure plagues many women, not just those who get into trouble with drugs, alcohol, food. Those of us in this recovery program may still fear failure. Halting our addiction doesn't solve all our problems, but it does allow us to realistically take stock of our assets. Knowing our assets and accepting them provides the confidence we need to attempt a project, to strive for a goal.

Another plus of this recovery program is the help available from our groups and our higher power. All things become possible when we understand we are not alone. Seeing other women strive and succeed or strive, fail, and strive again, undefeated, creates an energy flow that can spur us on, if we choose. Feeling good about others' accomplishments can motivate each of us.

Today, I will pay particular attention to the accomplishments of other women, those close to me and those I read or hear about. I will believe their example and feel the forward push. 

From Each Day a New Beginning: Daily Meditations for Women by Karen Casey © 1982, 1991 by Hazelden Foundation.

Second Edit:  Ended the day in full compliance and with a nice walk under my belt.  Feeling much more confident and at peace.

Week 25 Weigh In - Focus and Goals

179 lbs.

Another week of Optifast down, and God only knows how many more to go :-)  I'm not complaining, I'm committed to the ride, and I'm so thankful for this journey.  But the experience is different now.  In the earlier weeks it was easier to stay focused.  I had more milestones to look forward to and accomplish.  I'm starting to tick them off of the milestone chart now and the list is happily getting shorter.  But some of the biggies are still left to accomplish!  Despite this, though, I realize that I need to find something more to focus on, instead of the day that I can start eating again, and I think the next logical step would be for me to rededicate myself to establishing an exercise routine.  Today in our Optifast class we were visited by an exercise physiologist who talked about the importance of resistance training/weight lifting.  I admit that I've been avoiding this because I'm pretty naturally muscular and am able to build muscle easily.  I didn't want to stall my weight loss since this is my primary focus.  The exercise physiologist changed my mind, though.  I realize that now that I'm in the home stretch, I should start to not only tone my muscles, but more importantly, incorporate weight lifting into my routine.

I haven't fully reestablished my exercise routine since I left my job at the end of May.  Summer kicked in, the kids are home from school, I'm at home for the first time in close to 10 years, and I've started working more on a side business (due to my husband's impending exit from his job).  There is a steep learning curve with this as well.  I'm spending more time on the computer.  And I confess that it's not all business -- I enjoy checking MyFitnessPal, and reading and discovering new fitness blogs. The time suck happens in a blink of an eye.

These are excuses, and I completely realize that I have time to work out.  This is how unexpected life changes (and the resulting paralysis, stress or depression), if I let them suck all of my attention, take over and distract me from my health goals.  I've done this countless times.  Starting a new job, having a baby, moving, injuries, kids activities...the list goes on... and will continue to go on for the rest of my life.  I think this is a good time to stop and recognize what is happening and learn how to deal with change, and prioritize my health and wellness.  This is why I'm treating this experience as so much more than a "diet".  If I want to make this wonderful progress last, I need to stay vigilant and disciplined and focused on my new healthy priorities.  The rest of my life needs to accommodate THOSE things.  Not the other way around.

It all comes down to why I started in the first place.  I want to have more fun and more joy in my life, and being healthy is the only way for me to achieve this (especially the kind of fun I'm thinking of!).   I think now is the prefect time to re-post my vision board and remember why I'm seeking this change.


I hope you all are staying strong and feeling good.  If you're not, keep going anyway and don't give up. We're in this thing together.

Week 24 Weigh-In: Overcoming Obstacles and Getting Stronger

182 lbs. - 75 pounds down!!

I am happy for a loss this week and pleased with my decision and actions to stay on course after I had a few bites.  I was able to pull myself together the last couple of days and stay true blue on my program.  I do feel a shift happening in my awareness about my eating habits and I am willing to fight for this new path in a way that I never fought before in previous attempts.

There was an interesting blog post on Mark's Daily Apple entitled Do You Really Believe You Can Change?  I found it to be very timely and thought-provoking, so if you have the chance, it's worth reading.    It was largely about the concept of self-efficacy in changing health behaviors (as defined by psychologist Albert Bandura).  Basically (and you should read this for yourself), it comes down to our belief in our ability to be successful.  Believing that we can do it.  Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. said "If you believe you can achieve."  This concept resonated with me.  I'm finding it to be true as I strive to challenge my old ways of thinking and enjoy the results of my new commitment to getting healthy.  It's not to say that I don't stumble, but I've come to realize that this is an important part of the learning process.  If I didn't feel challenged and pulled off track, and if I didn't overcome stumbles, then how would I ever develop the resolve, skills and self confidence to make healthy choices a natural part of my life?  I'm starting to realize that this is par for the course!  I am going to try and make these slips fewer and far between, but I will learn to analyze them and get back to it.   I can't fall into an "all or nothing" approach to weight loss.  This hasn't worked in the past.

I'll mention another very helpful blog post from the same website called Mastering the Art of Self-Negotiation which goes hand in hand with the above post.  There are a million ways to rationalize behaviors that aren't in alignment with our health goals.  If we can catch ourselves entertaining those thoughts, then let them float by without giving them time and attention, we can prevent them from taking hold and turning into actions that we will regret later.  We are just making excuses, and there are NO valid excuses for getting off track.

I am so thankful for the many bloggers who share their thoughts and who have inspired me to keep going on my own path.  Reading blogs has been a major source of knowledge and inspiration and I've made it a daily practice to check in with them and get great insights and advice.  The more I read on a daily basis, the stronger I become, because I'm making this journey a very conscious process.

This is such a humbling experience isn't it?  We are smacked down and faced with our shadow side, but we also experience our light and strength which gives us new hope.