What followed was an examination of how her troubling delusions, along with her husband's inability to be a supportive leader in a new healthy life, kept her from successfully achieving her dreams. Her lies to herself and others-- about following the prescribed diet, about her efforts to become mobile were both painful to watch, yet struck a somewhat familiar chord for me. Since I have had a lifetime of being overweight and trying to change, I can see how I have harbored my own delusions about how hard I try or how faithfully I follow a healthy eating plan. Then when I step on the scale, I am faced with a disappointing outcome. This has happened over and over.
It's never comfortable to confront the lies we tell ourselves. When I think back, I know that an evening of lasagna, wine, bread and dessert, NOT followed by more activity will result in weight gain. But it was so easy for me to go on the next day, not willing or motivated to move my butt - ignoring the truth. Time after time of this has resulted in where I am today. This is exactly why I feel that weight loss is so much more than following a healthy eating plan. Almost as importantly, we need psychological support to help us through the process.
Many chat boards, doctors and even the family and friends in our lives are puzzled by why we can't just eat less and move more to lose weight. In the face of so much judgement from everyone, I have felt paralyzed by my own shame in not being able to follow through with what is necessary for me to become healthy. So now with my Optifast group, while not a traditional group therapy class, at least I am exploring what is necessary in the company of others who are in the same struggle. I don't have to have my defenses up, and can know that I'm not alone in this journey, and that I'm not an outlier in my behaviors.
Even as I write this, I'm not sure that I'll be able to re-enter the world of eating and be empowered to do it differently. This scares me and is why I enjoy reading the blogs of people who have lost a lot of weight and are continuing the healthy lifestyle. I'm going to keep reading and keep this in my consciousness as I go along with the journey.
I will keep on this Optifast Adventure and explore new issues that I come upon. I will seek new strategies that will support ways of thinking that are truthful and that reinforce the strength that I know resides inside of me. I know that this will nurture the thoughts and actions congruent with the life I desire.