My Fragile Transition To Food

Since starting my Progressive Food Encounters (PFE's) I have discovered that my old impulses were only dormant during the fast, and are still present.  I realize that this week was literally the Perfect Storm for triggering old hurts and having old reactions resurface, and it unfortunately landed when I was planning to and really wanted to reintroduce food.  There is nothing like a visit from a relative to touch those long-buried (and in my case, therapied) feelings, and then react to them in old familiar ways.  This week has made me realize how fragile my recovery is, and how I'm going to need to learn to be present with strong emotions in order to stave off my impulses to emotionally eat and binge, which were my old go-to coping mechanisms.

A couple of days ago, after an upsetting family encounter,  I resorted to my old comfort - food.  I was totally off program and nibbled on things leftover in the house.  Little cookies, cheese, bits of leftovers.  I didn't like what I was doing.  Alarm bells were going off.  I decided to stop myself and throw away all the foods that were tempting me. I wasn't happy with myself, but I wanted to move on and start over.

I had a good day after that.  By the book, 3 oz. of chicken and my shakes.  That was great.

Then yesterday I had a good start, but I was ruminating over my frustrations, and last night, I started eating smokehouse almonds.  Three handfuls until I threw the bag away.  Oy.

I felt very sick to my stomach last night, and I'm sure today is going to be intestinally tough.

So here I am writing about it for all the world to see.  Luckily I have my group to go to next week, and a maintenance class to start in the near future.  I'm going to need the support and I realize it.  If I've learned anything in this program, it's that support really helps me.  And writing works for me too.  This blog isn't like Facebook for me (although it has been filled with fun lately)  But it's the good, bad and ugly of this weight loss adventure I'm in the middle of.

Deep down I know that I will grow from this experience, but I am disappointed in how quickly I resorted to my old ways.  Today is a new day, and I will be mindful and take it one meal at a time.

Here are some readings I'm gaining strength and encouragement from today.  These are from the wonderful blog A Weight Loss Journey:

The Language of Letting Go

Accepting Our Best

We don't have to do it any better than we can - ever.

Do our best for the moment, and then let it go. If we have to redo it, we can do our best in another moment, later.

We can never do more or better than we are able to do at the moment. We punish ourselves and make ourselves feel crazy by expecting more than our reasonable best for now.

Striving for excellence is a positive quality.

Striving for perfection is self-defeating.

Did someone tell us or expect us to do or give or be more? Did someone always withhold approval?

There comes a time when we feel we have done our best. When that time comes, let it go.

There are days when our best is less than we hoped for. Let those times go too. Start over tomorrow. Work things through, until our best becomes better.

Empowering and complimenting ourselves will not make us lazy. It will nurture us and enable us to give, do, and be our best.

Today, I will do my best, and then let it go. God, help me stop criticizing myself so I can start appreciating how far I've come.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.

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Today's thought from Hazelden is:

Defeat may serve as well as victory
To shake the soul and let the glory out.
--Edwin Markham

So life has given us some dents. So what? Dents are necessary, besides being unavoidable and painful. Each dent is a part of the process that enables us to embrace life as a creative experience and to see the world in a new way, a way of compassion and understanding. Recovery is not a matter of escaping further blows or of disguising the dents we already have. It's a matter of understanding what the dents mean and how we can work with them.

Dents are neither soft spots in our characters that should make us ashamed nor saber scars that should make us proud. They are simply evidence that we have been alive for a while. Recovery offers us the chance to learn from our dents, to accept them as new spaces for growth. When we decide to see our dents as opportunities gained rather than opportunities lost, we stand much taller in our own eyes and in the eyes of others.

Today, I will look on my difficult life experiences in a new light. Today, I will plant some seeds.

You are reading from the book:

Days of Healing, Days of Joy by Earnie Larsen and Carol Larsen Hegarty

Big Milestones in Two Jam-Packed Fun Weeks

157 lbs - One Hundred Pounds Down

This is one of those blog posts where I have so much to write about that I don't even know where to begin.  I'll start at the beginning.


Recent Events

This was an unusually busy and fun summer for me, and it all culminated in hosting a huge family party and reunion that took place at my house last weekend.  It has been two weeks of company, travelling and keeping everyone in clean sheets and towels and food.

After spending many weeks cleaning and organizing the house, when my sister the birthday girl, came out, it was purely for some pre-party fun.  We traveled by train up the coast of California to go hiking on Anacapa Island in the Channel Islands National Park.

Hiking on beautiful Anacapa Island

We took the train back down and stopped off in Los Angeles and visited historic Olvera Street as well as Chinatown.

Looking out onto Olvera Street, eating lunch.

LA's Chinatown

When we got home, we had planned to do ziplining and stand-up paddleboarding, but circumstances (busted water pipe in my house) and weather (a freak lightening storm in San Diego) got in the way of our plans.  I will look forward to trying these sometime in the future.  But with all the great times, they weren't missed on this trip.

So I managed repair people and we started decorating my backyard with party lights.  Most of the guests started arriving last Thursday.  All beds and couches were occupied at that point, and I really couldn't have been happier to be surrounded by all of my family at once.

On Friday night we had a big bonfire party at a local beach.

Starting the bonfire at sunset.

My sister's and brother- all five of us together!

I have four siblings, and all five of us were able to come from different states to be there.  This has been an extraordinary summer since I've had the chance to see each of my siblings  in the last couple of months.  When we are all together in one place, I always feel a magical energy and feeling of belonging to a special group.  Our parents have passed away, so I'm really blessed that we have managed to stay close and even all get together once a year at least.

This party was an extra special celebration.  Five years ago we almost lost my sister Nancy when she suddenly had a complication from surgery.  It was fitting for all of us to gather under happy circumstances to celebrate her 60th birthday this year.

This is a fraction of what I passed up at this wonderful party!

Some of the part guest eating up!  I'm wisely behind the camera.

Important Weight and Diet Milestones

Hitting the Century Mark

While all this was going on, I hit the 100 pound weight loss mark.  When I saw 157 on the scale during my first morning weigh-in, I think I was almost too busy to feel the full impact of that milestone.  But it was really cool to quietly share it with my family, and THEY were incredibly excited.  That was a very nice way to celebrate a big weight loss number.  This big party was the first big gathering since my weight loss, so many people were surprised and supportive.   Sometimes it's nice for me to think back to just a few short months ago.  I would ask myself, "Can you imaging losing 100 pounds?"  I know my answer would have been "we'll see". In reality I never believed that I would get my weight down to a more normal level.  It was literally inconceivable to me and such a far-off dream.  This is one of the most gratifying parts of doing this on Optifast.  If you can make the shakes a normal part of nourishing your body every day, you will eventually get there.  I never fought it, I just accepted it, and the people around me accepted it when I didn't eat with them.

Starting Food

I was planning to start my Progressive Food Encounters (PFE's) tomorrow, after the last of my company is gone.  Last night, however, my sister steamed some crab legs and we made a beautiful Caprese salad, and I just decided that I wanted to eat something.  I had a little bit of everything, even a small piece of bread and butter.  This isn't the way the clinic wants us to do it, but I decided that I wanted to eat this meal.  I passed up all the catering and cake at the party, and all the the food preceding the event, and just decided that this would be my first real meal.  I enjoyed it.

So tonight I'll measure out my 3oz of chicken, and begin my PFE's in earnest, and according to plan.  It has been tough being around all the carbs, sweets, and delicious food.  I have already thrown away lots of muffins and chips.  After tonight, when my last sister leaves, we will purge the house completely, except for what we feed the kids for their lunches.  It will feel good to create my new "normal" healthy household food inventory.

On Thursday I'll head back to my meeting just like usual, and I am excited about continuing this program and reaching my weight loss goal eventually.  As of now, if I didn't lose another pound, I think I would feel great, but it would still be nice to reach the normal BMI, so that's what I'm shooting for.  Then there is the lifelong focus on maintaining a normal weight in the midst of hopefully many more celebrations and special times.  I'm taking it one day, one meal at a time for now.