Saturday, August 30, 2014

My Fragile Transition To Food

Since starting my Progressive Food Encounters (PFE's) I have discovered that my old impulses were only dormant during the fast, and are still present.  I realize that this week was literally the Perfect Storm for triggering old hurts and having old reactions resurface, and it unfortunately landed when I was planning to and really wanted to reintroduce food.  There is nothing like a visit from a relative to touch those long-buried (and in my case, therapied) feelings, and then react to them in old familiar ways.  This week has made me realize how fragile my recovery is, and how I'm going to need to learn to be present with strong emotions in order to stave off my impulses to emotionally eat and binge, which were my old go-to coping mechanisms.

A couple of days ago, after an upsetting family encounter,  I resorted to my old comfort - food.  I was totally off program and nibbled on things leftover in the house.  Little cookies, cheese, bits of leftovers.  I didn't like what I was doing.  Alarm bells were going off.  I decided to stop myself and throw away all the foods that were tempting me. I wasn't happy with myself, but I wanted to move on and start over.

I had a good day after that.  By the book, 3 oz. of chicken and my shakes.  That was great.

Then yesterday I had a good start, but I was ruminating over my frustrations, and last night, I started eating smokehouse almonds.  Three handfuls until I threw the bag away.  Oy.

I felt very sick to my stomach last night, and I'm sure today is going to be intestinally tough.

So here I am writing about it for all the world to see.  Luckily I have my group to go to next week, and a maintenance class to start in the near future.  I'm going to need the support and I realize it.  If I've learned anything in this program, it's that support really helps me.  And writing works for me too.  This blog isn't like Facebook for me (although it has been filled with fun lately)  But it's the good, bad and ugly of this weight loss adventure I'm in the middle of.

Deep down I know that I will grow from this experience, but I am disappointed in how quickly I resorted to my old ways.  Today is a new day, and I will be mindful and take it one meal at a time.

Here are some readings I'm gaining strength and encouragement from today.  These are from the wonderful blog A Weight Loss Journey:

The Language of Letting Go
Accepting Our Best

We don't have to do it any better than we can - ever.

Do our best for the moment, and then let it go. If we have to redo it, we can do our best in another moment, later.

We can never do more or better than we are able to do at the moment. We punish ourselves and make ourselves feel crazy by expecting more than our reasonable best for now.

Striving for excellence is a positive quality.

Striving for perfection is self-defeating.

Did someone tell us or expect us to do or give or be more? Did someone always withhold approval?

There comes a time when we feel we have done our best. When that time comes, let it go.

There are days when our best is less than we hoped for. Let those times go too. Start over tomorrow. Work things through, until our best becomes better.

Empowering and complimenting ourselves will not make us lazy. It will nurture us and enable us to give, do, and be our best.

Today, I will do my best, and then let it go. God, help me stop criticizing myself so I can start appreciating how far I've come.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.


Today's thought from Hazelden is:

Defeat may serve as well as victory
To shake the soul and let the glory out.

--Edwin Markham

So life has given us some dents. So what? Dents are necessary, besides being unavoidable and painful. Each dent is a part of the process that enables us to embrace life as a creative experience and to see the world in a new way, a way of compassion and understanding. Recovery is not a matter of escaping further blows or of disguising the dents we already have. It's a matter of understanding what the dents mean and how we can work with them.

Dents are neither soft spots in our characters that should make us ashamed nor saber scars that should make us proud. They are simply evidence that we have been alive for a while. Recovery offers us the chance to learn from our dents, to accept them as new spaces for growth. When we decide to see our dents as opportunities gained rather than opportunities lost, we stand much taller in our own eyes and in the eyes of others.

Today, I will look on my difficult life experiences in a new light. Today, I will plant some seeds.

You are reading from the book:

No comments: