Sunday, June 22, 2014

Weekend Check-in and Tough Love

I'm sure if you've been reading my blog for the last few weeks, you've noticed that I've been struggling with food obsession and wanting to eat.  I wrote about tasting and recognizing it as a slippery slope.   Despite processing through all of this, and making some positive strides in the exercise department, I had my worst cheat ever on Saturday.  I ate a meatball and I ate a about 1/4 cup of shredded cheese.  I logged them on MyFitnessPal. What was I feeling when I ate?  I was feeling selfish, and just wanted to eat after fasting for so long.  It smelled good, it looked good and I've been craving them.  People have been complimenting me on my weight loss, and I'm feeling so much better about myself, and my resolve for sticking to it was weak.

I consider this a wake-up call and low point.  I wouldn't dare justify it because I made a commitment to this journey and this goes against that commitment. I'm not at the finish line yet.

This is what I have have done in the past when I failed at weight loss.  I got within an inch of a weight loss milestone or goal, then bailed before the finish line. THERE IS NO WAY I AM GOING TO DO THAT THIS TIME. 

Everything about this weight loss adventure has been different.  I have engaged my mind and heart in looking at past behaviors and triggers, and I really feel like I've grown stronger as a person.  Although I am new to this awareness, I'm not going to ignore what I've learned so far.  This time it's not about ignoring "conventional wisdom" or something outside of myself.  It is about ignoring ME and my own accumulated wisdom. This is where the rubber hits the road, and I need to pass the test.  So today is a no-cheat day and I'm starting fresh with that same no-nonsense approach that I used for the first 5 months of my program.  I know that I can do this.

On a very positive note, I found some FUN workout stations on Pandora that are going to rejuvenate my walks and keep me pumped through the start of the C25K (Couch to 5K) app.  Yes, I'm going to give it a go, if my achilles tendon will let me.  I'm also signed up to walk the Silver Strand Half Marathon with my sisters and friend in November, so the training will begin and I have a bad-ass athletic goal to train for  (heehee).  I'm going to start very slowly, because I'm still only eating 420 calories per day, and I don't want to start working out hard and run the risk of slowing my weight loss progress.

Achieving my weight loss goal is my number one objective and I will reach that finish line first, and modify my behavior and exercise goals to make sure that I get there this time.

Thanks to everyone for your good thoughts and cyber-support.  I am very touched and it means a lot to me.

I will edit this post at the end of the day to report back on my no-cheat progress.

First Edit**:  I just published this blog post, then read a wonderful entry on A Weight Loss Journey (see side bar for link).  It really spoke to me with my current challenges.  Here is an excerpt:
Each Day a New Beginning
I want to do it because I want to do it. Women must try to do things as men have tried. When they fail, their failure must be but a challenge to others.
  —Amelia Earhart

Fear of failure plagues many women, not just those who get into trouble with drugs, alcohol, food. Those of us in this recovery program may still fear failure. Halting our addiction doesn't solve all our problems, but it does allow us to realistically take stock of our assets. Knowing our assets and accepting them provides the confidence we need to attempt a project, to strive for a goal.

Another plus of this recovery program is the help available from our groups and our higher power. All things become possible when we understand we are not alone. Seeing other women strive and succeed or strive, fail, and strive again, undefeated, creates an energy flow that can spur us on, if we choose. Feeling good about others' accomplishments can motivate each of us.

Today, I will pay particular attention to the accomplishments of other women, those close to me and those I read or hear about. I will believe their example and feel the forward push. 
From Each Day a New Beginning: Daily Meditations for Women by Karen Casey © 1982, 1991 by Hazelden Foundation.

Second Edit:  Ended the day in full compliance and with a nice walk under my belt.  Feeling much more confident and at peace.


Anonymous said...

I hope that you will be very forgiving of yourself and not consider that a "cheat". It was a "choice", as my doc says, and you made a decision that you needed to eat some real food. I think one meatball and 1/4 c. of cheese is a pretty small amount of food and you should be proud that you stopped it there. Obviously, it can be a slippery slope and you have some history with sabotage, but you are processing your feelings and learning about your behaviors this time around and I hope you can just move on. So glad to hear that your day ended well and that you are "at peace" - yay!
And I'm so happy to hear that you are working on some exercise goals! Your very low calorie diet (you must be on Optifast 70?) could affect your ability to train for the 5K - or at least at the pace the C25K wants you to progress. It starts out fairly easy but can ramp up quickly and you may not be able to keep up at first. Please, please, please don't let that discourage you! Your calorie intake alone can account for that plus it can just be challenging even to those eating 2000+ calories. Repeat weeks on the program if you need to.

Kathy said...

Hugs to you! You did a fantastic job of catching yourself before it was too late and especially noticing how different things are in your life in comparison to where they were before. This is a tough road but you're doing fantastic :-)

happyinca said...

Martha and Kathy thanks so much for stopping by and offering your encouragement! Martha, I think just getting started on C25K, even if I have to repeat the first part will be fun. Yep, I'm on Optifast 70. I'm going to talk to my counselor on Thursday to see if she has any suggestions. I was wondering if craving and "needing" food more is something that happens to long-timers like me, and if there is a protocol in place for it. I'll let her know what I've been feeling and see what she says. It could also just be head hunger and something I need to work through. Either way, I'm learning from the experience from a behavior standpoint. You're right Martha, it's a choice.

Thanks ladies, and I hope you have a great week.