Wednesday, June 11, 2014

A Chink In My Armour

I'm almost 25 weeks into my fast, and I have to confess that I couldn't stay completely strong.  Here's the deal.  I've been thinking about food (a lot.)  Thinking about my life after the fast (a lot).  My life has been stressful, and old currents are pushing up against me.  I didn't binge or anything, but I started tasting my kids' food as I cook. I've done this a couple of times -- a zucchini slice here, a morsel of taco meat there.  I don't think this is earth-shattering or anything, but I see it as a sign of a familiar slippery slope that I need to push back on and investigate.

Regardless of how "on program" I've been in the past.  Here and now, I'm making choices that aren't "on program".  It reminds me of all of my past attempts at dieting.  It starts with a rationalization, and I can hear my voice saying "I've been so good, and this one time won't hurt.  It looks SO delicious!"  I have to ask myself now if those rationalizations got me to my goal or derailed me.  They derailed me for sure, because I didn't stop and analyze them and their cumulative impact on my future health.  It's not about the amount of food, but it's about the pattern of behavior.

Since I'm farther ahead in my weight loss than I've been in recent memory, am I afraid of weight loss success?  I'm noticing more looks and a slight difference in how people interact with me, and I have to ask myself if this is something that is upsetting me on some level.  Those thoughts have crossed my mind.  Am I unconsciously sabotaging my efforts?  Maybe on all of it, or maybe this is an experience and lesson that I need to learn from.  Since my weight has been an issue almost all of my life, there are some challenges and crossroads that keep emerging, and I think this is one of those opportunities.  I need to make different choices to bring on a different result, and I need to have an honest conversation with myself about my goals.

I feel like as I get to be a more "normal" size, my focus is wavering.  But truth is, I'm still at least 35 pounds from my goal.  So close yet so far away.  And once I get to my goal weight, there will be the challenge of maintaining.  It's not the size of the transgression, it's about the action.  As I face these daily choices, my goal is to choose the option that supports my health and well being.  I don't want to feel like that decision is earth-shattering every time it presents itself.  I would love for that choice to come naturally, without ominous music playing in the background.  Perhaps that will take some time, so I'd better just accept the ominous music and "what will she do next?" plot twist for now.  With practice, maybe it will smooth out.  It is what it is.

So far today has gone well.  Cooking seems to be my downfall lately, so maybe today I'll take a break from it and try and regroup.  Walk away from the temptation without falling.  I think just by writing about this experience, I'm feeling better.  My hope for this blog is to chronicle my weight loss experience in all of it's ups and downs.  This is one of those challenging times.

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